Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

Why would you.need to cancel it, unless he starts and offers more?
He needs to prove himself to you and your child that he really is going to step up and be a father and pay for his child.

A good co parent would want to provide for his child.

Ant agreement you draw up saying he has to be involved wouldnt be worth a damned thing either.

Hes popped back up because it benefits him, and he will bugger off again just as quickly.

The way that he steps up and becomes a father for his child is to paying for his child as well as seeing him.

I cannot see what possible reason you'd have to cancel the maintenance, frankly you'd be nuts to do so.

You can't force him to be involved physically, no court in the world can enforce that, no matter what document he signs.

Claim CMS. It's for your child. He has a legal (and moral) obligation to pay for his child whether or not he's present/hands-on or fucks off (again) to the far side of beyond.

Utter scumbag asking you to cancel the claim.

Assuming you're in the UK then there's effectively no way for him to give up his legal rights. But any agreement you do sign with him regarding contact would be pretty much worthless as he could decide tomorrow not to turn up for contact and no court will force him to do so.

There is absolutely no benefit to you or your child to cancel your CM case. None at all.

Well I guessss I'm considering it for the better of the relationship moving forward, (he has asked me too) between him and my child, don't know if that's a normal way of thinking. I see alot of people complaining online that there child is older and they've still never got anything for there children so I know theres away around it all anyways ....I doesnt feel right doing it, it's not alot of money weekly ( nothing compared to what it takes ) but now it's a substantial amount. It is money owed to our child, a clear debt on they're name/ company but it's one that is forever growing which I guess would be a worry for anyone. has his own business so is able to hide direct income.

He's verbally offering to help, from now..he does not want to pay any of the owed debt.. through CM or to me direct

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS SHIT!

If this man truly wants to be a decent part of his child’s life, he will happily pay CM AND show up for his child; what good parent would want to do any different?

If you drop the CM claim, I guarantee in a couple of weeks or months he’ll disappear again, so why would you do that to yourself or your child?

Hes not interested in a relationship with your child. He juat doesnt want to pay and thats why he gor in touch. Don't be sucked in.

You’d be stupid to cancel. If the relationship will be damaged because he’s required to pay a small amount towards his child, then it’s doomed anyway.

edited to add it’s very obvious he’s got in touch to get you to drop this. Then he’ll go again.

You're thinking that if you let him off the CM case then he'd be more likely to build a relationship with your child, right?

I sympathise, I really do, but that's fantasy. What that would imply is that the only reason he's been a shit father so far is because he thinks that the LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY to provide for his own child shouldn't apply to him. Further, if he's pressured to deliver on that financial responsibility then he'll throw his toys out of the pram and refuse to see his child.

You see how that's nuts, right? Him building a relationship with his child has nothing to do with his legal responsibility to pay CM. If he wants a relationship he'll do what it takes to build that relationship. He doesn't give a shit. All he's doing is dangling the carrot of being an involved and present father to trick you into cancelling the CM case. As soon as you do that you won't see him for dust.

He said he will help from now, not through CM but hasn't helped yet.. he has the means to start now and pay more then they determined suitable on CM but it's all ATM a verbal promise. I also don't just mean just financially I'm struggling mentally and physically, mentally I'm working on but I need him to help raise our child. And if he doesn't want to still or if he choses to not in the future... That's what on my mind, also the obvious mum guilt of not having a dad around is making me want to do consider things..
I've expressed needed a commitment but I don't think that's enough because yh I guess he can still run off with no obligations

You aren’t seriously thinking of doing this?

You literally say you “don’t trust a word”!!

Please don’t be a mug. This money is for your child’s benefit. Leave it to the CMS. If he wants a relationship with the child foster it. Two separate issues. Legally he has to pay (a laughable amount when it comes to the cost of a child) and so he must.

This is insane

and actually quite concerning that you even ask this question to be honest

You are right, it's not even alot.. and I know you can make a plan to pay back what is owed however you can, I think the big round number is scary, to anyone buttt it didn't start like that and its going to get worse, he didn't feel the obligation then to provide or be here physically and I obviously have no trust in his word but ultimately I want the best life for my child

your child is not going to get the best life with him as his father and a mother who falls for his father over and over again

Honestly I feel it, but it's so hard to believe someone would do that

Do you have someone to advocate for you?

I guess Im just hopeful for my child

He's exploiting your hopefulness to save himself some money.

The most insane thing you've ever heard?

Felt like it was a safe place honestly, most comments have been nice and helpful.
Thankfully

That's how I feel

If you cancel you wont see a penny and he will disappear. I imagine he is doing just enough to get you to trust him, cancel the CMS and be gone. A good parent would want to support financially AND by being an active parent. Please do not fall for it or you are going to be left feeling really stupid.

Having to pay CMS doesnt stop him being involved in the child's life

CMS is the absolute bare minimum he should be paying and it’s unfair that you are relying on family and struggling whilst he doesn’t pay.

You can’t force him to see the child, be involved or be a good Dad, no-one can. He has shown you that he cannot be trusted.

No do not cancel the claim.