Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

Yes, £2500+ a week

🙄

It will feel uncomfortable or rude at first. It sounds like perhaps you have a bit of a people pleasing nature and maybe this feels even harder because you really want him to have a good impression of you and a good relationship with your child.

But really, it is OK to say that you do not want to discuss something. It's not impolite, you can even phrase it like "Could we please not discuss this? I don't feel comfortable". Or "I don't want to be rude but I can't talk about this."

It's true that he probably will sense that it's not the usual way you interact with him and he might react to that, perhaps even nastily. That says to me that he isn't being honest at all in his intentions. He thinks if he can cosy up to you and pretend to be all nice and friendly, he can get you to do what he wants and he will change the minute he realises you are not going along with that. That is not a nice experience, but at least it tells you who he truly is. Would you rather see the side of him where he is being nice and offering all sorts but it is not really true? Or would you rather see the truth and know where you stand, even if it means that he is unpleasant?

It does get easier the more that you do this. I would also suggest that if you have the option to pursue counselling, it could be really helpful for you. If you google either single parent support organisations in your local area, or domestic violence charities, you might be able to find an organisation offering counselling at a low cost or free. Even if there was no violence in the relationship, this kind of emotional manipulation is still coercive control or emotional/financial abuse, as you mentioned before, so a DV charity would probably help in terms of counselling.

It's effects your score, interesting I'm really not aware of what they can do.. I know they try to take money and I've heard of court and passports being taken

He can move forward while still paying the debt. This is just an excuse by him. He is a grown man and should take responsibility.

Don't feel sorry for him. He got himself into this position and there is no reason for you to get him out of it. It won't suddenly turn him into father of the year. If he wants to be in his son's life, he will be. You do not owe him anything at all.

He’s playing you so you get off his back and then he’ll ride off into the sunset as soon as he gets what he wants.

CMS generally only affects your credit score if there is a liability order for repeated non payment. So it could be that that’s sparked it.

It does affect mortgage calculations. So if he’s moving it could be that.

my ex desperately tried to get a private arrangement when he was going for a mortgage as the woman he was living with was unaware he had children.

CMS have a raft of powers

They very rarely use them all though (sadly)

Supposedly he earns more than £10k a month

Really Op or did you mishear?

I think your the reason I came on here today, everyone's been very helpful, the perspectives have all been pretty much the same as expected honestly but different in there own way. I once wrote on this forum 15+ years ago, when I was very young I didn't know what it was at all I saw Mum in the title and thought " surely a mum would know " I saw people asking questions and strangers answering them..I asked about some legal advice as I was a victim at the time of something and wanted to get support. Alot of mothers helped me at that time to.
I do have a couple of different types of councillingbthings I do, recently they've all been about this topic as it's on my mind every day, seeing other people point of view really helps me see what I was honestly seeing and feeling but bouncing off other people, who don't know me to judge me.

If helping people isn't apart of your daily life id be very surprised, your very aware and your able to put yourself in other shoes or maybe you once wore some similar and can see the struggle.

I will be strong, I've saved a lot of responses and will study them, be confident in myself and set some boundaries.. because they're not just for me now

£2500+ is for 5 day work week, yes.. if they work weekends and get another £1000+
This is why people go self employed, try to start businesses. 120k a year is alot to some but nothing to others

He won’t be declaring this

Maybe we just remember the same "old Mumsnet" I have also been on here over 15 years - so yes, been there done that, my ex is old news now which is a blessing in a way.

To be honest, it's been a while since I've been as involved with a thread like this writing multiple replies, I used to do it a lot, not so often any more. Perhaps we did find each other today.

Good luck with it and stay strong, I'm sure you can do it.

You need some stock answers

‘I’ll think that over and come back to you’

Never thought of it that way - i’ll come back to you

Practice in front of the mirror on your friends etc till it just falls out of your mouth.

CSN claims take months - the last thing you want is to cancel - clear the debt and then have to start over again.

As it stands - you keep it - your live is the same - you cancel it - your life is the same

At the moment the law is on your side - keep it there .

Oh wow thats so sneaky of him to do that. I wonder if I may be in the same kind of boat 🫣
There's definitely a liability order I know of and he's trying to move that's all I know, so it makes sense

He is responsible and needs to pay what he owes from the past for his child and for the future.
Ive also seen this one play out IRL.

Right! I will practice those sentences, they can be used well roundedly with him tbh, I definitely have a people pleasing complex, but as you say nothing ATM is changing regarding the choices and I need to keep the discussion on our child and when he wants to see him but I hate that choice ..my mother gave my dad that option and he'd show up whenever ... In the end it didn't feel good to us probably would have been better to have had him not there at all then whenever he wanted ...

I genuinely think he wants to see our son again and to contribute now but also to get this cm sorted is high in his priorities

no it isn't - he has had a letter and he doesn't want to pay so he is spinning you a lie and you seem to be falling for it

just say you tried and they said you can't stop, you don't know why but they said no

Still the same concept which I appreciate annomous support. And Ive been frantically trying to read and reply to people for a few hours now, I do really appreciate you taking time to respond from the heart more then you may think. I didn't think I'd get that many responses but I'll definitely reach out to this community if I have another life event I can't comprehend on my own
You've made me think straight away, and gave me some real cyber confidence to be able to take this task on.
Ill do what's right for me and my son's future

”He says he doesn’t want to pay me a wage”

Please just stop for a minute and process this sentence, OP.

What he’s really saying is he’s pissed off that he is due you money for your son. He has no intention of paying you ANYTHING.

He doesn’t even want to pay the bare minimum CMS payments. Why on earth are you going to believe that he wants to pay you MORE?

HE WONT. He wants you to wipe the debt so he can disappear again.

Your son is your priority. DO NOT CANCEL THE CLAIM.

That's a good idea, a healthy profession told me to say the same kind of things, basically 'it's above me"

Do not cancel the claim

100% he isn't I know this, I don't know how they do it.. hide funds, hidden accounts, suspicious accountant maybe?

It very much sounds like he is trying to remove the debt for his own gain.

Also, think about the comment he made about not paying you a wage. That’s an appalling sentence.

CM payments aren’t paying the other parent a wage, they’re contributing toward food, clothes, shoes, and basic essentials for your child.

He views your child as your job. Even my ex, who tried all sorts to dodge payments, was never that disrespectful. He just didn’t want to pay.

the bare minimum as a parent is that you make sure they have money to be able to eat!!! BARE MINIMUM!!! He wants to cancel that!!! What a shit!!! Just reply no that money is for your child to be able to eat and have a roof over their head and anything else they need!! Any parent would want that!!