Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

Absolutely this. He has a legal obligation to help pay for the costs of raising his child. Now that CMS is involved you have absolutely no legal or moral duty to discuss it with him. That's what CMS is there for - you talk to CMS, CMS talks to him. If he wants to whine about how he thinks it's unfair then he can whine to CMS.

Do not cancel the CM! He has proven himself unreliable and he will let you down again. He will not contribute towards his child voluntarily despite what he is saying. He is financially responsible for the child even if he doesn't see the child.
Why should you and your child struggle when you dont have to?

Lady, open your eyes ffs! He doesn't want to pay for his childhood, that's it. You will get fuck all from him so leave the CMS in place and hopefully they can do something about it at some point. Why on earth you have let him walk back into your life and make a claim on your child after he walked out on you both blows my mind. Good luck for the future, I seriously think you're going to need it

He has no interest in your child darling. He only has interest in himself Soon as you cancel the CM, he will be gone as quick as he appeared.

He will say whatever is needed to convince tou to do it and going of how you type, you sound quite young and (do not take this the wrong way) naive. Please do not cancel it or fall for any story he is giving you of staying around and being a parent.

Tell him in 6 months time if he's paid his way, pulled his weight and proven he means what he says you may consider it.....and his reaction will be all you need. He will use "don't you trust me" ect. Say no. And you have every reason not to. He fked off for 2yrs and left you to do it alone and could quite easily do it again.

No you do not cancel cms claim its not you money its your childs. You never know if need extra for medical bills. He pay you 1 month privately then not bother anymore. You dont get to pick and choise when you see or pay for your child nor does he. You are picking up sole responsibility the least he can do is pay a little.

And now wants it wiped so we can all move forward basically.

We?? He wants to move forward with no debt. But the debt is upkeep, and really the bare minimum for his own child! What a pathetic excuse for a human being he is. Manipulating you to call off cms- you won't see a penny from him. You owe it to your child to NOT give up on this debt. His crap father has done nothing for him, the bare minimum is to contribute to his upkeep. It's not even 50% of what it really costs having a child so he's getting a really good deal with the cms. Twat!

Ofcourse he doesn't know what it takes as hes never bothered to do it.
The fact is that hes just trying to get out of paying what he owes as they will be getting ready to start taking it directly from his wages and/or because the debt that he owes is effecting his credit rating.
He cares nothing for you or your child otherwise he wouldn't have abandoned his child and refused to pay towards his/her care.
You have to get tough with him tell him once I will not cancel the cms claim nor will I forgive your debt and if he keeps pushing you tell him that you will go for direct payment and that will cost him an extra 20% or he can start paying what he owes and refuse to discuss it any further.

He isnt asking for a chance to be a better dad, hes asking you to remove his debt. Dont. Its not your money its your sons.

This man walked out, without backward glance once already with no care for how, or even if his son was warm, fed or entertained. And then he comes back and says oh by the way if you cancel that debt ill be really good. He won't. Hes lying. If he wont pay when the government has told him he has to why would a contract you draw up be more successful?

Also if you write a contract it has to be specific "do what he can" wont cut it. And you shouldnt accept less than CMS, the bare minimum DS is entitled to from his parent.

Explain why it makes sense he would not pay what he owes but would start paying now IF you cancel this debt..

Why would a good man suggest his ability to bond with his son would be negatively impacted by an expectation he pay his overdue child support.

I think it would be wrong to deny him access to his son while the debt is outstanding but I wouldnt cancel it. Id tell him its not owed to me and I wont refuse my sons right to support ftom both parents

So he’s basically avoided paying roughly £110 a month CMS (based on 2.5k debt) for 2 years?
just disgusting!

do not cancel your claim, he absolutely is owe this money!

being self employed for cms means money declared is less than what he actually receives (cms base it on profit from tax year) which clearly he fiddles if his cms amount is as low as it is.

stand your ground! And if he vanishes again then so be it, your little one will be better off without him

Its ok theres help out there for you. You will find good advice here and some bitching too sadly. It’s obvious you are a caring mum wanting best for your child. Never be afraid to ask for help. Maybe theres a health visitor or citzen advice that can help you.
everone telling you to stay with cms it’s because likely i have been there its the same old story the dad doesn’t fancy paying. There are rules for dads too they will only take x amount they wont let him starve.
id say they said you cant drop it and you cant get through on telephone line. Try and communicate trxt only so you have time to word your answers and dont be afraid to say i am struggling to pay for child im sure you are.
hopefully he get bored and disappear anything. Best thing my ex did let us live our lives and ive never said bad word about him as i was able to live in peace. Gave me chance to meet new husband and my child didnt see all this agg on doorstep weekly.
had 3 years before baliffs caught up with him mind you and he was paye higher earner had to be taken from wages. I got support from some cms staff as they knew he playing games as he pay on phone day before baliff/court date ir whatever it was.
sending you a hug and strength to get through.

Hes done it already.. he left you. Paid no money. Made no visits to his son.

Its not hard to believe he would because he has.

And if hes saying oh id pay more than CMS why doesn't he pay CMS and then give you more? Or why isnt he giving this more now?

He just wants the debt cancelled because once you cancel it you cant reclaim it. And once you do that you and your son wont see him again

And if hes saying ill only be a dad IF you cancel my financial responsibilities. You dont want him and neither does DS. Please dont do this to your son

He doesn't need this father in his life. He's a waste of space.

Trust this instinct

You know the easiest way for him to sort this? Pay it

He's got some pressing reason to get rid of the CMS claim hanging over his head, likely that they're looking at his income and going to take it before he gets it, or it's stopping him doing something else (i dunno the ins and outs of it but just because you haven't seen any money, doesn't mean it isn't liable to affect him financially!).

So he's telling you what he thinks will get you to drop the claim - then once you do, he will be off into the distance again.

You'd be mad to do it.

Absolutely right. OP, he hasn't suddenly magically turned into a decent person or a caring dad. He just wants to make sure he never has to pay any maintenance for his child.
Also, as other posters have said, he is probably trying to make his credit rating look better by cancelling a debt. There's nothing in it for you and DS, just for him.
Please don't let him sneak back into your life either. He will stay just long enough to use you, and probably try to convince you to cancel the CM, and to build a relationship with DS . Then he will leave again, and DS will be badly hurt.

No, bless you for considering it but this man is manipulating you. Either he is applying for a mortgage and it's come up that he has this debt or he is getting a job with paye and the cms are going to debit it but he is just protecting himself and his own self interests.....he thinks he can sweet talk you.
Make it clear he is welcome to see his Don but you need the money and will go via cms.

@Mother2All Is this really a relationship that should move forward?

Think about "When he was bitter, he took it out on our son." You have a toddler, a difficult age and they don't deserve to have a bitter person in their lives.

A bitter person who won't pay his way and absented himself for TWO YEARS when you had to really struggle on your own, even financially, is not a great male role model, the opposite in fact. He sounds abusive. Why would you want your child to spend time with him.

Go on GovUK.com and read up on CMS and what the rules are.

It is highly likely he's only back to get you to cancel and once you do, you and your son wont see him for dust.

Your friend also said this. Listen to her. Don't pretend he's still in touch to avoid awkward conversations. Its not you that's at fault. It's him. You would probably have more real life support if you let people close to you know. I'm sorry you are going through this x

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-29903435

I can't remember the last time I saw a thread with 100% of the comments all shouting to NEVER cancel the claim.
I think we all a bit worried that you are trying so hard to be a good mum that you might give in just because you want your lovely son to have a lovely dad in his life.
But this man is not the lovely dad your son deserves and is never going to be and I'm so sorry for that.
If he actually cared about a relationship with his son, he wouldn't be popping up now and trying to manipulate you out of money to pay for that son.
But your son has you and it sounds like you are doing a great job. It's so lovely you are giving him all these activities and clubs and doing it all without this waste of skin sperm donor.
You mentioned you have spoken to some health professionals about the situation. This is really sensible if you are vulnerable. Do you have any women's groups you can get support from where you live? Maybe a 1-1 support worker. Your GP might be able to put you In touch with one.

He’ll be home as soon as you cancel the claim. Do not trust him. His relationship with the child is one thing and cms another - they are not connected. He should do both but so far he’s failed at both. Your dc deserves a father who shows up AND financially supports him.

I would not cancel the cms, he should pay you using the direct pay service, going by their calculations, they can also chase the arrears. It does sound like hes contacted you as he doesnt want the hassle of the cms pestering him. I would tread carefully as hes already shown you what he is capable of. Dont cancel it amd claim the money still, its for your child.

It isn't 'helping'. It's paying to support your child. He's gaslighting you into beleiveing that he's doing you some kind of favour. I had a similar situation, only I'm owed over £15k from my ex. When he finally crawled out of the woodwork and made contact with me and his son, after 7 years, he asked me to cancel the CM with promises of paying regularly by private agreement. I refused, I think its better to let CMS handle it so that we don't have to discuss or deal with the issue. If I thought he was capable of being responsible and paying without being forced, of course I would have said yes. But I knew that I couldn't trust him so left everything in place.

Why are you entertaining this nonsense?! He’s playing you. Your child should come first but he clearly doesn’t feel like that

Don’t saddle your child with such a useless, selfish father. Step away. Sometimes no father is better - I speak from experience (from a child’s perspective).