Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

Yes, it’s the child maintenance service. It’s literally what they are therefore, to prevent this kind of thing

Do you often misinterpret the written word?

If people choose to have a child, they should pay for them. If you mean he's planning to get back together with you and share finances, fine, but if not, he should be paying anyway. Whose job does he think it is to pay for the kid?

"Getting it sorted" would mean paying what he owes, not trying to wriggle out of his commitments now and in the future. Please don’t be a mug. He can see his son if he wants to and you allow it - that has nothing to do with the money he owes and should be paying.

I take less of it now there's been time apart, I'm more confident and brave to disagree and to hang up the phone when I need to 💪🏼
I know there's things my child could benefit from with a man around, I have no men in my life so I think it'll be important to have him around honestly, I'm not blind to the whole picture Infront of me it's just hard to be in my thoughts only

It could be that they’ve tracked a source of money or gone for a court order

Just remember that no men is better than bad men.

Get a good hobby for him, with dads and coaches around who he can see interacting. Things like cricket when he is older could be a good one, lots of dads around that and it takes a long time so builds a network of people.

Good male role models will appear through his life

Not back together. I guess be "friends" again for the children. Because we did have a good one, and it's very easy for us to get on. Just when he was bitter he took it out on our son which I can't forgive but to ask me to forgive and forget the past 2 years isnt easy, but I could physically do it for the better of the relationship moving forward

Child maintenance and parental contact are two completely different things. It's not pay per view.

Keep the CMS going because you are entitled to it and it will benefit your child. Whether he has a relationship with the child and is in the child's life is a completely separate issue.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush: i.e. the actual money from child maintenance is better than some vague promise of more money in the future.

Don’t do it.

Any decent man would pay for his child.

He will disappear as soon as you let him off the financial hook.

My dad did this to my mum for years and years and years basically until my sister and I turned 18.

He was so resentful of the fact the CMS would look into his life and so on and always promised to pay my mum directly. The thing is when he did pay directly he would stop paying at random and this would result in her benefits getting cut and then she was absolutely screwed with no money at all to care for two small children. My grandparents basically had to send a credit card for my mum to use for food shopping until this got sorted out.

I only learnt years and years later that the entire reason she was so skint in the first place was that when they were divorced he was ordered to pay a bunch of money to her from the sale of their house, and he never fucking did. So I don't know WTF he was on about complaining about the bloody CMS when he had brought the entire ridiculous problem on himself.

Your ex saying he doesn't want to "pay you a wage" needs to pull his head out of his arse, seriously. These men. I don't know.

Don't reply to him really, because it just fuels arguments and that won't help. Leave it all up to the CMS. But I would want to say I'm sorry, a wage? Do you think that children come with their own food, a bedroom, clothing etc? Does he not think that the maintenance might help pay towards those things? A WAGE??? You are not his staff member. It's not money he's paying TO you, it's money he's paying towards the upkeep of his child. Which you are currently funding 100%. If anything, he is actually repaying a debt to you because you have been covering all these costs which he should have been paying 50% of since the child was born.

And if he wants to talk wages, I imagine the maintenance is a hell of a lot cheaper than a full-time nanny would be for 12 hours a day every single day. I mean seriously you have to wonder WTF even goes through their heads.

But yeah... just let the CMS deal with the money. If he wants to have contact with his child then discuss arrangements for that, but refuse to discuss anything relating to maintenance. Just keep saying "That's nothing to do with me, it's between you and the CMS" if he asks.

I've been doing that, I try to be a good mother, everything football, rugby, gymnastics ect...class is paid by me and my savings. We planned to home school, our child only eat organic fruits and vegetables, things we talked about. Also they can I guess tell or smell that I'm a single mother coming to classes I've been chatted up so many times, I don't lie and say I have a man around because why wouldnt he be coming to these things...

Any documentation your ex signs, isn't worth the paper it's written on. It's not legally binding. He could easily go to Court for access to see his child, regardless of what he may have signed. Removing parental responsibility has to be done by a Court, and if he's not interested in doing so, it can't be forced.

Your ex has only contacted you because he wants you to stop the CMS claim. There's no other reason. He's promising all sorts at the moment, to try and ensure you do as he wants.

If your ex truly had his child's best interests at heart, he'd want to be involved with his upbringing and contribute to the costs of supporting his child.

As it stands, all you have are a few promises from your ex, and not much more. Don't cancel the CMS claim!

Just be careful. I do hope you meet someone nice and they are kinder to you than your ex has been. But a lot of men will sniff around single mothers because they think there is some kind of chance of a "free house" or because they want mothering themselves, they are a drag, don't be pulled into it.

Abso-fucking-lutely do not cancel CMS. He’s just trying to manipulate you into cancelling it. He’s an absent, feckless father who will disappear again. If he asks you again laugh in his face if he thinks you’re going to fall for it.

I wouldn’t entertain contact with him either until he starts becoming more reliable and willing to support his child.

Such a helpful comment, I've read it twice and I'll read it 5 times more I'm sure. I appreciate the time spent to write that and to tell a little about yourself ✨
Your last comment was very helpful and I'll be doing exactly that, I did tell him I didn't want to discus it on the phone anymore mostly because he speaks so much and id rather a trail especially as I don't remember things in stressfull situations.
And if he trys to sneak it into a conversation I need to stop it because at the begining of it I was listening, then I started to respond and then couple of days ago it got really heated I broke and finally said everything I've been feeling and then also texted it 😅

No, for the sake of your child don't cancel. He's only turned up now because he's thinking he may have to pay something. Use whatever money you get to make a better life. You owe it to your child, you owe nothing to this man.

That's a good point, I should stop allll the communication untill he agrees to pay? Or pay something, he'll call me money hungry when I don't " need " it I've managed and even managed to save for our son on my own, would just be a nice chunk to add to that, should I maybe just refuse phone calls ATM.. he's very manipulative not that he'll sucker me in but he can talk and not give you time to think

No...he's scamming you. Stick to your guns.

I have no intentions to do that honestly I'd have to entertain something for that to happen, only to benefit my child would I in the future if I needed to. My mother also never dated after my father left, it didn't feel right to her having girls in the house and now me I don't think that would everrrr be appropriate, but I get the gesture behind it we all deserve to be loved ♥️

He needs to be there + pay maintenance. Not either or

He’s in a way blackmailing you into this. Basically, I’ll do more and see my kid more if you cancel the CM. What a tosser! Don’t fall for it. He has zero intention of stepping up.

Absolutely this, with bells on. If this guy won’t show up for your child unless you give in to his blackmail by dropping a claim for money your child needs and deserves and is entitled to, is this a man who is really going to make your child’s life better?!?

No need to stop communication. You can communicate AND he can pay maintenance. It's not a deal you're making. Both are needed for your child. Do not let him off the hook!!!

You hit the nail on the head, he's interested right now in the hopes of child maintenance being cancelled, I just hope that if I was the cancel things would get better in every way, I'm soo hopeful and believed him before then lost it, that I'm just overly hopefully my son won't be forgotten now ....especially after seeing him a couple times, but I can't read minds or predict the future, I do overly trust and hope for the best but I'm not gullible either