Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

I feel the pressure, mostly to do what's best. I don't I looked into it and it could be some financially abuse/coersion but Im not sure.

It's so hard to stay out of that trap! It's really important, though. It's something I've only learned later on in life, how to hold boundaries like this. Someone like your ex can be a master at trying to wear you down with emotional warfare, basically, hoping you will explode and do something like that. It rarely helps because you often don't present your best argument when you feel emotional like that, that's why they do it because then they can easily "win".

So in fact the best way to win is just stop caring about convincing him or who is right or wrong. If you just have it in your head as a completely closed topic, it's much easier. The CMS exists so that you don't have to have the conversation, and he's proven that he's not trustworthy and won't pay unless they make him, so there's really nothing at all to gain by discussing it with him, ever. The earlier you can make that clear, the easier it will be long term.

Essentially you can develop what they call "broken record" techniques which is a repeated phrase that you always use to respond to any kind of attempt at discussion. Pick any that you like.

I'm not going to talk about that.
I won't discuss it any more.
I've said everything I am going to say.
I am not interested in discussing this.

In general, the only thing I would recommend talking to him about is contact with your child. And I would only respond to him, even on that topic. Don't start suggesting and bringing it up yourself - let him come to you and ask.

I can see it would be nice to be friendly/be friends again for your child's sake, I just don't trust that he is seeking friendship for a genuine reason. I think he is seeking "friendship" to try and emotionally manipulate you into dropping the CMS claim.

Don't cancel. CM must have threatened him with something for not paying the debt. Don't cancel. It will cost him less if he makes a relationship with his son and co parents. My ex tried that nonsense. Then went quiet 6months (he actually blocked ds1 (his own son), sil got involved and he started to see his dc again.

I didn't even think to call CM for advice,
This is really good advice thank you. It's more of how my mind was thinking, but I guess I didn't say it correctly. I wanted to give him commitments or even him tell what what he can or can't do now and in the future, and then see if he hold up to them.
Thank you for your unique perspective

Well, perception I guess. id prefer not state my exact age but had my child late 20's

Maybe, don't understand

I think the debt has, or is about to, affect his credit score. And he is a doing whatever he can to try and avoid that.

Bet he wants a mortgage...

You misconstrued my very straightforward post

Ring CMS . Tomorrow.

And don’t FGS decide to go it alone

Unfortunately again it's a line you need to draw in your own mind.

You do not and cannot have any influence over how often and whether he sees your son and what relationship he chooses to have with him, if any relationship at all.

He is manipulating you to make it feel as though you have control over this, by saying things like if you cancel it, I'll come over and help more, I'll do XYZ, everything will be better, but you could do everything he asks, and in reality it won't affect the outcome. If he wants to have a relationship with your son, he'll make it happen, and he could and probably would do that if you were being helpful or not. If he can't be bothered, then he won't. It's really as simple as that. What you do or not doesn't matter. The best thing you can do in terms of your son's and his dad's relationship is not to block it. But you literally can't MAKE him have a relationship and TBH you can't do much to prevent him from having one either. Whether he has a relationship or not is entirely his choice no matter what things he says to you or anybody else.

He might well go around saying that you don't "let him" see his son or whatever, a lot of men like this do make those claims, but they are just bullshit basically. It's not that difficult for fathers to get contact orders through the family court if their ex is really being obstructive. And you're not even being obstructive, anyway.

He is just playing games with you. You know it is not really true that everything will be better. He is dangling hope and this is really manipulative and unfair. If he wants to make things better, that is his choice to do or not. Try not to fall for his games. If you want to be optimistic, then be optimistic that he will do the right thing by his son by choosing to have a relationship with him, just don't get drawn into thinking that you can influence this because he is just lying.

If he intends on paying towards your child then why would he need to cancel the CM?

Sounds like a job opportunity is in the pipeline, he realised he won't get away with paying if he makes the switch so is back in contact to sweet talk you into dropping the claim.

You have no reason to trust this man and don't owe him any favours

Don't be a fool. Tell him to pay you what he owes! Is he working?

If you do decide on the 12 month "trial" (which I think is not a great idea, but I understand why the poster suggested it) I would not tell him you have decided this. Just wait and see on your own.

Your not for a second thinking about dropping his debt?? He's maybe wanting to go for a mortgage and needs to put money in the bank. He's verbally promising you what? That he will pay bare minimum for his kids? He won't repay money he owes his kids? Why does he gets to chose how he shows up?
He just wants you to absolve him of any parental responsibility. You know he will not pay you as up till now he hasn't, not morally ashamed enough, care enough. But you have to drop any chance of effecting his wish to move on with life. He will emotionally abuse your kids the same way. Why doesn't he just pay you like he's supposed to do and commit to seeing and involving himself in his children's lives, ask him that.

There will be something in his life that this debt prevents and that is what the issue is.

He could work extra hours and clear the debt if he really cared.

You are being manipulated and used. He is fiddling something and a scammer…don’t let that be You

I've always had a problem with my own boundaries, protecting them, knowing them even and then saying no ofcourse. Especially with men, he definitely is a master at everything he does, spoken word and thinking on his feet skills are impressive but not when used on you, broken record for sure.. I remember frases he says " 10 fold " ( what our child will get now he backkkk 🥳..😒) had to Google the meaning Its obvious I guess but I'd never heard it used to much. I do need to work on that myself, physically practice saying things, mentally preparing helps 10% physically doing uncomfortable things is hard. But I have it in me . Just never been able to use it without, crying, choking, forgetting what to say.
He's very comfortable with me, he'll talk about random things and I'm very very polite I'll entertain the conversation, making us both feel comfortable.i know as soon as I say something against my normal grain he will know and get defensive, probably make us suffer in other ways that arnt normal to others But even a family member told me to say exactly that, I'd rather just talk about "child".. being being stern comes off rude I think I don't know I've neveerr had a good comfortable interaction after standing up for myself .

I definitely think it's some emotional manipulation, I just don't want to think it to be true. I'm definitely in a bit of denial or maybe there's a different word to discribe but I want to paint a road for succe

Great advice and definitely true, I don't know what it is that's hanging over him right now.. but I know he wants this off his name and off his businesss name

Why would a father want to cancel CM?

Ah, a friend had this. She cancelled it, stopped the debt wound everything up for the piece of SHIT to pay a couple of weeks then disappeared into the night never to return. She lost money, she lost any claim and it was a disaster 🛘 DO NOT CANCEL IT

@Mother2All child maintenance and contact are 2 different things. He's manipulating you.
You say exactly that to him.
You aren't closing the claim. You are willing for him to have agreed contact with your child assuming that's safe but he continues to be liable for CM and the debt.
If he sees the child but doesn't pay, no difference for you but maybe some benefit for your child.
If he disappears again when you refuse to close the claim, no change for you or your child.
And if by some miracle he starts to pay something and sees your child - win all round. (But don't hold your breath.)
Seems quite clear really.

None of the above.

He owes you money for your shared child. Why on earth expect so little for your child that you would cancel the debt?

Your right, I wouldn't tell him.
It's just an option that came into my head, make him show some physical commitment to our child.
He has to move house... and I think it was perfect timing he needed this favour as well as he mayyyy have decided to come back into his childs life but he has an end goal atm

Very good points, I think I needed it broken down like that .. it's alot of things to think about at the 1 time

Wow ok, that is very enlightening.
A true fear of this mission, thank you

With a verbal promise to help from now on,
The debt was over a couple years where he wasn't around, didn't feel responsible I guess. And now wants it wiped so we can all move forward basically

I'm not sure how CM effects paying parent, he's gotten around it somehow.. being paid well always, just maybe through a friend and using there card, really don't know how they do it but self employed people can move money and figure those things out behind CM .

I've been told that, why do him a favour when he hasn't done and still hasnt which what made me think I'd like atleast promise from this, which I know sounds crazy but means alot