Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

Do not cancel it, never. That’s money he owes you for your child. If you don’t want it or need it the put it in a savings account and it will start building up for a car or towards a house for your child in the future.

Do not let him weasel his way out of this

No, I guess that's why I'm here honestly I need advice he liked to only talk on the phone and it really overwhelms me I have to plan what to say unlike him who is good at talking

So why are you asking the question here then??

Can you tell him you need time to think so you would like to email, if he is unwilling to put it in writing that tells you all you need to know.

But guys like this will do and say whatever is necessary to get what they want, please keep that claim going. You might be able to manage without it but keeping it open could mean when he pays, eventually you could put it away for your child.

I just think men like this are only consistent in one way and thats disappearing when things dont suit them

Do not take a verbal promise from him, he will not see it through. He's come back on the scene because it suits and benefits him only. This has absolutely nothing to do with it being beneficial for his child or because he deeply cares about having a relationship with said child. I sound harsh, but it is true. 100%.
I know what its like to have a co-parent who is all sweetness and light when they need/want something, and as soon as they've achieved whatever it was they set out to do, its you that's left picking up the pieces when theyre done. I had 5 and a half years of it and it took me that long to set boundaries. Dont get me wrong, he provides consequences when I dare to maintain those boundaries. Just this week money has been withheld because I spoke up about something. The thing is I now know what to expect.
Its usually about maintaining power and control in some way.

Do not cancel the CMS claim. And while youre at it, dont opt for the direct pay option. Take the hit of a few quid for administration fees and let the CMS take it directly from him and send it to you. You've never received anything financially from him before so even a few quid in your pocket is a help, plus when he inevitably naffs off again the CMS are doing all the chasing and not you.
The fees will be worth it to protect your peace.

I honestly wouldn't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.

You sound very vulnerable

No family member or close friend?

When I found out how much it was I planned to do exactly that with it, I even suggested we do that with the debt and he laughed and said something I don't remember, but it was a no.. hes said he doesn't want to pay me a wage so that says alot I think, he has know idea what it takes

So whenever anyone phoned about this sort of thing when I worked for CMS (or when I volunteered for CAB) my suggestion was this…

if he stays around, does as he says he’s going to, for 12 months then considering cancelling it.

If he’s genuine about being around then he’ll understand that it’s going to take effort to win back trust. 12 months isn’t that long. Then you can see where you’re both at.

You will likely find he absolutely will not commit to that, and you have to ask yourself why…

Don’t short change yourself and your child in the hope someone who has shown no care, respect or loyalty toward your child so far.

Never cancel. Child maintenance is not up to you, it's between him and the CMS or whatever it's called now.

If you let him cancel then you're depriving your child of money which is rightfully theirs. Stick it in an account and let it collect interest if you don't need it to cover immediate living costs. (If you do need it to cover costs, then use it, but try not to rely on it just in case he disappears again.)

Paying maintenance or not has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not he can be involved - this makes no sense, he is playing you up and dangling "I will be more involved with child" as bait and you are falling for it. He just doesn't want to pay, and you shouldn't let him opt out. It's his own fault the CMS are chasing him and he has debt attached to his name.

A written agreement will have no validity in law. So there's no sense in it, as you won't be able to force him to stick to it.

You say about getting him to give up his parental rights, but in the UK there is no such thing as parental rights - there is parental responsibility, and this can be given up in a court, but the courts consider this fairly seriously and usually don't do it just in the case that Dad is not interested. There is also really no benefit to you in doing this, unless perhaps you plan to move abroad. There is basically nothing that he can use this to enforce, and you have to consider the effect on your child later on knowing that they have been rejected to such a degree by their father.

Sorry for asking but are you quite young? You come across as young and a bit naive in your post. I wonder what your own adult role models were like as a child and whether you were able to rely on them at all?

I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling and he has left you in this situation.

Please leave the case open.

Take very good care of yourself.

You sound like a very kind and caring person and whichever way this plays out you will get hurt. He is not kind or caring.

Remember CMS payments are usually bare minimum and he hasn't even done that. He can afford it because they work out an affordable amount.

Is there a reason he is still getting away with not paying it so far?

He has only contacted you to stop you claiming , he likely has no intention of supporting , sorry , but if you cancel, then receive nothing from him you will need to start whole process again and possibly invalidate any back pay

I'm vulnerablily in some ways id say,
I have a friend who's I've talked alot about this to, she says as everyone else here. It's his responsibility and so on. Some family, not that close. I'm very private... I didn't even tell them that he hasn't been around, kept up appearance this whole time so I wouldn't have to have awkward conversations about his absence

Send him a text saying that from now on you'll only discuss contact via text, email or post and that you will not be answering his phone calls. You are under no legal or moral obligation to talk to him on the phone if you don't want to. Just don't pick up.

Erm why are you thinking so stupid He has only got in touch because CMS will have contacted him probably saying they will take a lump sum from whatever he is currently earning because he hasn't paid anything. Isn't rocket science to see that he wouldn't have had anything to do with child until he got the big letter lol

When you say that, do you mean you have learning needs?

Self employed, I think hiding money somehow I honestly don't know. I knowwwww he earns £2500 for a week's work... But is hiding that somehow, apparently has a debt on business and maybe some cards, I don't know what they're doing behind the scenes honestly but I've not had any money, ever

I do but basic ones, I'm not like an imbecile. Just a mix of lack of confidence and processing skills maybe

My concern, as a stranger looking in, is that if his current charm offensive doesn’t work, then his next move will be to rekindle the physical side of your relationship. Please please please make sure you don’t have another child with him.

Definitely don’t cancel it if he’s self employed.

Its ridiculously easy for self employed men to hide money.

The fact he’s asking you to close the claim suggests that he’s concerned that they’ll be able to track money - which means a change of job or the likes.

He’s asked you for a reason and there’s nothing suggesting that reason is for any benefit to you or your child.

How are you surviving financially ? Are you working? Able to work?

He sounds awful, I’m glad you aren’t stuck in a relationship with him. Don’t forgive the debt, and don’t let him get out of paying, he is trying to take you for a fool.

And laughing when you said something to him, that’s a like a red flag to a bull for me, I don’t mind people debating with me, disagreeing with me, but laughing at me is a big no. Your child will probably be better off not spending time with someone like that.

💐

They didn’t say it was the most insane thing they’d heard, they said it was insane…. Which it is.
He abandons his child then pops up again expecting to have things his way because that’s who they benefit.

I'm not sure on the whole CM process and what big letter he would have got.
He was involved in the first year then we had an issues and he removed himself permanently came back now and I genuinely think he wants to see our son again and to contribute now but also to get this cm sorted is high in his priorities

Absolutely not. Any signed agreement would be totally worthless and unenforceable.

You have no reason to trust him or make life easier for him. What sort of a man doesn’t even try to support his child?

You have no right to cancel the possibility of him paying support. The money is for your child, not you.