Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

Yuck, what is it with some men that they can’t see a woman without trying it on. Fortunately I’m ugly/older/fat so I don’t have to worry about that nonsense now, but when I was younger a couple of my husbands ex-friends tried it on, and the married brother of a friend took my number from his phone to try to arrange an affair but that was ok because ‘we don’t need to tell anyone about it’ 🙄

You’ll work it out, and your son will be grateful for you, especially if you have to be both mum and dad.

Sorry this is a silly idea, you know deep down this isn’t right. He can see his child, he can help out and do all the fun Dad stuff but he has to pay his CM. You’re not being unreasonable for sticking to your guns, do whats best in the long run, he could change his mind any day and you’d be left with nothing again.

@Mother2All have you spoken to anyone from a domestic abuse charity or even citizens advice. This man is trying to control you financially and trick you out of money owed to you for your son, so whilst he might not fit the classic definition of abuse, I would expect they’ve seen a lot of this nonsense from men before when they’ve tried to wriggle out of their responsibilities. Could be a good place to start for advice on staying strong and pushing back against him when he is trying to take advantage 💐

If he really wanted to help then he could start paying the debt, he doesnt want to help though. He wants you to cancel it and he will disappear again. He is using you to clear a debt.

Tell him you 100% are NOT cancelling it and you will see how he really acts

Or you could tell him to show evidence that he plans to financially help by making some payments and you will then think about it, because I believe its all talk and he has no intention of giving you any help.

He's trying to rob his own kid by manipulating you. Your child deserve to be supported by both other their parents. You need to follow through with the CM claim. If you dont need the money then put it in a swings account for your kid. Their dad is a deadbeat. He will continue to be a deadbeat and a waste of space. You'll never have a good relationship with him because he isnt a good person, parent or coparent.

Never cancel the CMS. He’s already done everything he can to deprive his son of a nominal financial contribution to his existence - why would he be more likely to pay just of his own accord if he won’t pay whilst being pestered by the CMS? Your son is owed and deserves this money, it’s his.

Don’t engage in any further conservations with him about CMS. He can liaise with the CMS.

Set out a schedule of set times/days for him to see his son and be clear that you expect him to be consistent in seeing him or you will reconsider continued contact. It’s not fair for him to dip in and out of his son’s life. He should either be committed or leave him alone to his happy life with you.

Only communicate with him about relevant stuff to do with co parenting.

children aren’t pay per view. You are both saying things that could be accused of financial coercion

don’t cancel the claim - he’s clearly about to get a PaYE job.

tell him you’ll go to mediation with him to make a plan for child contact if you can’t sort out a schedule between the two of you via email.

No don't cancel his debt to his child OP. He is a total scumbag not to want to pay for his DC. If he wants to step up now great, but it doesn't cancel out all that money owed to your DC. On the future your DC may really need that money.

OP please look after yourself. It’s only him to benefit if you cancel the claim. Not your child.

Absolutely no way, I had a horrible year, got cancer and lost my job. My children didn’t suddenly stop needing things because I was having a shit time in life. If anything, that’s when we needed each other more. He should be providing financially for his children before anything else. Nothing would stop me doing that. Having an easy life comes second. Don’t let this fool convince you he’s going to do anything but another runner if you let him off. 🙄

2 visits is not good co parenting. Your postman has probably seen your child more frequently. Wouldn't trust him at all

@Mother2All this all sounds nuts. He hasn’t paid and will never pay unless CMS go after him for it. As for signing away his legal rights, that’s absurd, he’s the child’s father.

Just do things properly. He pays maintenance through the correct channels and sees his child.

Any written agreement between the two of you wouldn’t be worth the paper it’s written on, I think you’ve been watching too much Judge Judy!

This won’t work. He’ll pay a couple of times then stop.

You are wrong. He wants you to cancel the debt and then he will leave again. He won’t pay you a penny if he doesn’t have to. People who love and care for their child are not able to abandon them for a year or two… he doesn’t give a crap about your shared child. He is manipulating you.

Ask him to communicate in writing only. He will throw a tantrum because he doesn’t want any proof of what he says. When he accuses you of being money hungry just say that he is the one hoarding his money and refusing to pay towards his responsibilities not you.

You said you’d like a promise from him, but it doesn’t sound like he would keep a promise.

I agree with everyone else – I think something has changed which has made him start trying to get out of the CM claim. He is probably saying things he doesn’t mean to manipulate you. I think if you cancelled the claim, he would disappear again.

Please don’t cancel anything.

Saying you will think it over and come back to him would give a false impression. He’s likely to continue pestering you.

It would be better to do what @BertieBotts suggested and say you would rather not discuss it. It’s quite okay to do that. You could also say it’s between him and the CMS.

Oh absolutely but OP will at least get a couple payments out of it. Im not suggesting for a second she actually stops the payments.

Is it that if you cancel it any debt will be written off and he can't be chased for it? I don't know but I'd be wary of cancelling just on his say so

Does he have a job? If so they will take it from his pay if he doesn’t start coughing up. I think they’re on his case hence he’s suddenly returned into his son’s life. Regardless of whether he is there or not. He has to pay. Make him prove himself first. But it will hurt your child more if he’s there then disappears again rather than never being there at all.

Don’t be a mug

Why do you feel sorry for someone who didn’t give you or your child a second thought for years?

Don’t teach your child to be a mug

The number wouldn’t be so big if he’d paid as he should

Don't cancel the child maintenance. My ex was paying an absolute bare minimum and not relative to his income and I had to of course go begging for money. I finally got to the point of going to CMS. He then goes on to provide a payslip from his company showing he gets paid minimum wage, but of course as the director he was bringing in over 70k. Anyway, I then write to the point of complaining to CMS and they did a full investigation into him and he owes me 7k. The man was horrified 🤣
My point being, do it through CMS and have something in order. Get what you and your child are entitled to. I was incredibly naive.

You would be an absolute mug if you agree to his terms.
It's blatantly obvious he does not want to pay the CM arrears and thats why he contacted you to try and negotiate a deal directly with you about maintaining contact with child and new financial agreement directly with him.
He is probably been told by CM that they will take payments directly from his wages to cover payments and payments towards the arrears and he is desperately trying to avoid this.
The child will eventually loose out on contact so make sure your child doesn't loose out financially if you agree to his selfish idea.

Oh for goodness sake, it's not pay to view !

It does not matter if he cannot be bothered to see his child, he still needs to pay maintenance.

CMS all the way, you cannot believe a word that comes out his mouth !

This money is for your child - get it.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

When you split, he fucked off and went no contact. He could at that point sent you money, but he didn't. You and your child had to beg from family to see you through. Even now he hasn't given you any cash, gifts for the child, and he's giving you the 'oh I want to be involved, we can come to a private arrangement'.

Well how about for starters he stumps up for 2 birthday presents and 2 Christmas presents ?

Please don't believe a word that comes out of his pretty little head.

You may not want the CM he owes you, but it's for your child and you could pay back your family.

Before any cancelling is done, he needs to prove to you he's being honest and means what he says. And that trust can't be re-built if he's only been in contact 'recently'.

You would be foolish to cancel the claim and more importantly you would be denying your child. Please don't cancel and please don't fall for the sob story.