Should I cancel child maintenance after two years of his absence?

[Mother2All]

I used this space a long long time ago and recently remember it existed and want to post again to see if I could get any advice, I'm not confident speaking on the phone and alot of advice lines want to talk.

I want to get right into it, hopefully not posting something ridiculously long either ..I just need advice from people who may know or been in the situation.

Soooo
I have a child, child turn 1 and we had a fall out and he instantly became absent, know word for 2 years, I always kept trying to reach out to extend the olive branch but was rejected, so I did end up applying for Child Maintenance, got nothing ever from it.. months this went on, untill recently I got a call back from him. He was all kinda of sorry and wanted to see out child, but also brought up the CM in the first conversation, I knew it would effect him some how but because he never paid I thought he was living well ( he definitely was for 2 years ) while I honestly struggled, rely on family to help me navigate.
Sooo untill recently.. We've been in contact, and he's seen his son twice.
He's upon a life change, moving, some other big responsibility and he's asked me to cancel the maintenance with an obvious promise of being here now and doing what he can, has said he has no plan to pay anything towards the CM debt from now, I wasn't okay with it but I do see the benefit of making his life a bit easier now so our children can benefit from it in the future, I did plan to get a written agreement, to be signed stating that I want commitments, physically and financial commitments to our child to be there and to not run away again, to help support from here on, what he can agree to do to help and so on.... I do in my head see this as a fair option because althought the money owed to our child would have been really helpful then, we have survived that and still head down till this day surviveing without it. I did also want to add a if you don't want to make commitments/ sign a semi official ( written by me ) document, then id like you to give up your legal rights .. I don't know how legal/Sain that is, if that's something you can sign upon but either way, I'm very flustered ATM and I think I've talked my only friends earlier off about it, I tried to use chat gbt but they're everyone's best friend.. I'm always right and I don't like that I need to know what to do and I think this community could help.
If not and if I have miss used this space wrong...AGAIN 🫣 then I will remove the post
Not to sure what else to add.
Except I don't hate him, we could have a good co parenting relationship but this is a hurdle. I have 0 trust in his word obviously but it's all I have to go out ATM, I have to trust he won't go again and leave my child without a father in these pivotal moments.
Ciao
X

There's all sorts of self-employed scams that men use however unless they are a tax genius the tax man always catches them in the end, my dd's dad got away with it for 15 years until the tax man caught him and informed the csa (as was called then) and they reassessed his payments over the entire claim and he was left with a £72000 debt and a lean on his house so although I still haven't seen a penny of it yet when he tries to sell his house i get my money in 1 lump sum.
Oh he also got fucked over by the tax man with compound interest and fines along with an 18 month suspended sentence for tax evasion.
I expect his lies are coming home to roost and the tax man is looking at him and his business especially if theres a debt lean on it. Which btw is entirely his fault and not yours no matter what he says. If he wants a clean/fresh start he can get that by paying what he owes and paying regularly going forward

I am American and here, Child Support (maintenance) is solely for the benefit of the child(ren). One parent cannot sign it away, because it is not legally theirs to sign off on. Obviously, it's not meant to be handed over to the children, but to be used for their benefit. While you could live in a tiny studio apartment, with children you need a larger home, closer to schools and food bills, fuel, power, etc are all higher, so those are of course for the benefit of the child. It is legally required that both parents contribute to the expenses involved in child rearing.

You can’t remove parental rights even if he wanted to, also no ‘agreement’ is worth doing unless it’s been seen by a judge and stamped.
Dont give him chance to mess you about, if he’s only not seeing his child because you went to CMS then he’s a rubbish father and you and your child is better off without him.

How pathetic if him not to want to pay any of the debt owed to his child. There's no way I would let him off the hook. He's probably bullshitting you anyway. As others said, he should want to support his child.

If he's cooking the books at work to avoid paying that's ultra pathetic.

No don’t cancel it. He will promise to pay ££ and to see son, then once cancelled he’ll drift away knowing it will take years for it all to be processed again…
you owe him NOTHING…. Carry on with the CM claim and if he doesn’t pay what they recommend you phone them every month and report the under payment.. eventually they will deduct the payment straight from his wage before he gets paid and pay it to you.
Do not cancel a thing, tell him that you want it all done officially so that your child is provided for

Why wouldn’t you believe it? He’s already done it once and left you with a baby… he has no feelings for you or his baby and is now just coercing you to drop this and he will buggar off again!

Cop yourself on. Are you 16?

Absolutely not. He’s not paying when he has the threat of CMS. What on earth makes you think he’ll step up and support HIS OWN CHILDREN when he can get away with not doing it? I wonder if CMS have finally threatened him with something and that’s why he’s making his moves now. If anything I’d be on the phone to CMS trying to get it deducted at source or whatever it is you can do. You certainly don’t owe him any favours or need to make his life easier.

Apart from also saying no, don’t cancel the CMS claim, I wanted to reassure you that you don’t need him to help you by being around, because he’s not helped you yet, is unlikely to in future, and you’ve been doing it all yourself to date anyway. All you need to do to in terms of keeping a relationship between your DS and his dad is not to block it - no other effort required from you, the rest is on him.

You also don’t need to encourage him to be in your son’s life as a role model. He’s a man that’s had nothing to do with his own child and refuses to do the bare minimum of paying child support, he’s a pathetic excuse for a man and your son will eventually need to learn how to NOT be like him.

Hes trusting that you will cancel then he will not keep his end of the bargain.Believe me I have seen this first hand with my own grandchildren.CM caught up with him eventually after 8 years of being absent now he is trying to persuade his children through social media that he loves them,wants them to be in his life so they can stay over at his.All because he knows he won't pay CM if he has them 3 nights a week.Fortunately the grandchildren have realised what a loser he is.

Nope
Id tell him pay through cm for a year, show commitment and then you can move to an agreement

The thing I’m missing here is why?

what reason does he want it cancelling?

and don’t give me rubbish about wanting to pay but a different arrangement

why does he want this “debt” off his file?

is it affecting his credit score or something?

Ahhh Google says yes. There you go, that’ll be your real reason. He prob wants to take a loan out or get a mortgage or a credit card but can’t cus he CM debt is ruining his credit score.

if you’re silly enough to cancel it, you’ll probably hear from him for about 2-3 weeks and then it’ll go back to nothing again

Either way, I’m heartbroken for your son having this waste of space as a dad

Are you really THAT gullible??

OP I completely agree with the majority of posters responding to you here: don't trust this man for one minute. He is obviously feeling the pinch from CMS debt hanging over his head (which he obviously feels is him paying YOU a WAGE rather than maintenance for his own child). It may be impeding his ability to secure a mortgage or whatever. That is definitely not your problem. And as others have said, his promises cannot be trusted. I also think the suggestion that you tell him you contacted CMS and they said you couldn't do it was a good one. It absolves you of having to tell him no.

But I'd like to ask you about another statement you made in passing here. You said you're trying to be a good mother for your child, which undoubtedly you are doing a great job. (How old is your son by the way?) You mentioned that you planned to home school your child. Can I ask what your reason would be for that?

CMS can be cancelled in due course as and when he has shown that he can be trusted to pay you, keep up with payments reliably over a long period of time and pay you any back pay he owes. (Which is probably never!)

Until then, it's stays! He clearly can't be trusted and I'd wager he is trying to con you for his own benefit. Let the CMS fight that battle on your behalf and don't back down or cancel your claim.

He might be about to start a better paid job and doesn't want CMS on his back because they could get an attachment of earnings. That's not your problem.

I agree that you should not drop the CM claim. He sounds like a real liar and a shirker.

I am very surprised that there seems to growing number of men who not pay CM for years. How do they get away with it?. Surely their payments should be taken straight out of their wages?

Does it get cancelled like some debts do after so many years. Or do they pretend to be bankrupt.

Or do you need to pay for a Solicitor legal fees etc, to take them to court

Seem like a massive injustice to me and their former partners and children.

Am I missing something? If you have an official statutory arrangement with CMS and he has never paid child maintenance, he has accumulated significant legal back debt that the can aggressively (up to prison sentence) enforce at any time.Child maintenance debt does not disappear over time. That's why he has appeared in your lives. Do not cancel it. Quite the opposite. Claim what you're owed

Thisb

If he was going to pay for his child, he’d pay through CMS. Why should it make a difference whether he pays them or pays you??

Only because he thinks that

1. he can get away with paying you less than he pays them

2. if you cancel the claim, he thinks that will wipe out what he owes you (it won’t)

3. he can disappear as soon as you cancel the CMS claim

I’d try and get in writing what he could afford to pay you direct (or even what he’s earning or where he works). Then when he buggers off again, you can give this information to the CMS.

@Mother2All op we all wish the best for our kids . People like your ex won’t change though. Keep the claim going tell
him he is due the money for your son that you have had to pay for alone so far . Tell
him your son deserves the money to survive and thrive.
You will soon see how serious he is about a relationship with your child . Sadly this man won’t be seen for dust . Save yourself and your son the heart ache. If you were to cancel the claim this waste of space would let you both down and mess you both around and do the bare minimum when it suited him .

Take the money and use it to make memories with your child .
Can I ask how long has it been since he got in touch ?

I’ve been there.

Me and my ex split when son was 1. Turns out he had a hidden family. I went straight to CMS, and that triggered a call from him after months of silence.

Of course he gave me a speech about how he will be there etc etc, but the truth is I gave him 6 months to come up with an arrangement for our child. And guess what - he has done and did nothing.

If he is not seeing his child now, why in this earth would he start once’s you’ve stopped CMS??

Don’t take peoples word for anything. Look at action. Unless a man is committed to you, or shows commitment to the child physically and financially, the. Don’t stop CMS.

I’m half way through your answers. My take on it is the CS issue/debt has raised itself and prevented him from doing something he wants, so he is trying to con you into thinking he is going to step up and be this new fabulous father.

now i didn’t think anyone could cancel a CS debt either.

if I were you I would have a chat with a budgeting advisor (charity ones are free) or a family support group. I think, and I say this nicely, you need an independent person to work through your position and get their advice on where you stand.

I think there’s a reason why he wants the CS gone and it’s got nothing to do with being a good Dad. Any way of knowing if he has some else in the picture?

It sounds like the CM is putting pressure on him finally. Why doesn’t he want to pay money for his child if he’s got it? What sort of father is he if he only wants to see his son if you let him off the hook financially? He sounds horrible even if he is superficially charming. Don’t fall for it.

I don’t understand why CM were not paid up until now - because they couldn’t get hold of him.

Contact them, give his current information and claim backdated payments.

CM is about 7.5% of salary I think, the bar for men is set very low. CM AND he should make separate payments to cover clubs, school uniform etc as they are not part of CM but should be 50:50 apparently.

I’m wondering if he’s having contact to try to reduce the CM claim?

Sorry OP but you are being very naive. Push the claim harder, don’t cancel it.

I would also tell CM he’s had no contact with his DC until now and is trying to manipulate you into stopping the claim.

Child maintenance is a contribution towards financial cost of raising his child. The physical and emotional support needed by the child from the father is separate matter. In an perfect lworld he would be offering his child both, not negotiating terms for the latter in exchange for a reduction in his share of financial costs..

... He should be paying towards the costs of raising the child, , and if you don't need the money now, put it in savings account for your child.

A signed piece of paper won't make him a better person.