Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

It’s his time so if he wants to leave them with grandparents for 1 day / night, that’s entirely up to him. Extended family are entitled to spend time with the children too. Will they actually be upset or are you projecting your feelings and so the children agree with you as they feel like they should? Based on the tone of your post, I’m not surprised he didn’t ask you as you would likely use it against him in the future or as a way to stop 1 week on 1 week off. That’s much less disruptive than 2/2/3 anyway.

For just one night I’d be wary of setting a precedent of getting involved in the childcare the other person arranges on their time, especially if he is someone who could be a dick about that in the future. Do you want him to forever insist that if your parents are looking after the children, actually no they must come to him instead?

It's one night. If you have a decent co-parenting relationship, I wouldn't rock the boat over this. You say 'technically' he hasn't done anything wrong, there's nothing technical about it, he hasn't.

Sorry but I can’t see he has done anything wrong? Surely he is free to delegate care of the kids when it is ‘his’ time?

A sleepover with grandparents during school holidays is pretty normal.

It’s one night, it’s really not that deep

If the grandparents dont' like the kids, why didn't they get in touch with OP to send the kids back to her sooner?

Sorry, OP, I think you're being unreasonable. They are the children's family and will be perfectly safe and well cared for, presumably.

He hasn't made his holiday plans your problem, which you would be justified being annoyed about. He's leaving them with grandparents.

You’re totally unreasonable, sorry.

imagine if he wanted to control you in the same way!

Are the DC in danger or are they just staying with GPs who aren't the best GPs as per many other GPs up and down the land. If the former then that's obviously serious and would need further action, but if it's just that they don't like their GPs then they will be OK for one night - it's not unusual for an overnight stay with relatives to be less than ideal.

It really isn't a bad thing for kids to spend time with their grandparents.
It also really is up to him how he arranges his time, I can see it is frustrating for you but it is going to be your normal life moving forward.
At least he is taking responsibility for sorting things out.

I agree it depends on the grandparents. You should have been told in advance though.

Im sure the OP wouldn’t tell her ex if she decided to send her kids for a sleepover with her own parents!

One day/night?

Doesn't sound like a problem to me at all, but it does sound as though it's something you might've kicked off over considering you've said "why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter?"

How old are the kids?

YABU if only for one night, but I understand your anger.

Why can't men just stick to the plan, or be honest about any changes?

Talk calmly to your dcs when they get home. Check if they enjoyed themselves, would they like to go again? etc. It will help next time the situation arises.

When else would they have the opportunity to hot and stay with their grandparents though OP?

As it’s not going to be a week with you - so why not now?

I think doing 2 / 2 / 3 permanently is incredibly hard on children. As a separate YABU.

Ok, I appreciate the reality check here. I don’t think I’m projecting, my eldest in particular struggles with his grandparents as he has ADHD and is always being told to shut up/sit down/stop moving etc, and has expressed before that he really doesn’t want to be sleeping over there. Their grandad also has an alcohol problem, and their Nan doesn’t drive, so I do have worries about something happening blah blah but what can I do. I guess I feel like I should have been notified before, because that’s what I would do, but I am judging his parenting by the way I would parent. I do not have parents or siblings (or anyone!) who is able to help me with the kids, so again it’s not a situation I’d find myself in so struggle to relate.

Yeah I don’t have the parents as sleepover option so can’t say what I’d do in that situation.

I think it’s harsh to say IABU for the 2/2/3 arrangement….

'And the nan doesn't drive' is scraping there OP.

Plenty of actual parents don't drive 😳

The only thing you needed to be consulted on was changes to handover arrangements. Are you genuinely concerned for their wellbeing or resentful that he has ditched dc for his gf? Presumably this was planned in advance so he could have given you the chance to take them early.

No. My ex barely has the kids, so if he started texting me on his weekend to say “Actually, I’m on holiday so you’ll need to sort childcare” then I’d be furious. It’s his time, he sorts childcare.

He also probably wants the kids to have time with the grandparents and that’s nothing to do with you, unless it’s so bad that you think it is neglect and they are in danger? What’s the drinking issue? And why does his gran being a non-drive pose a risk?

When they're babysitting for a week, it seems mean to call them mean!
What have they done to justify that term? As in if they starved them then I'd hope you'd have been to the police.
If they just don't have a close relationship/don't know them well enough to know what they like, that's really on you and your ex.
And it sounds like they're trying to get a relationship with them, so for the kids' sake, both you and him should do what you can to make that as good as possible, so if they're "mean" because they don't let them have their favourite meals, tell them what to get.

Could you agree with him for you to have first refusal if he is not available to have them?

Not the point of the post, but just curious why you prefer 2/2/3 over 1-week on/off?