Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

I don't drive - should I have my son taken off me because I can't drive him somewhere in an emergency?

A taxi? The same as every other parent who doesn't drive.

Sorry this thread has made me feel like I’ve had a lobotomy. Surely I can’t be the only sane person in the world who wouldn’t want their children left with a shouty alcoholic? Am I the only mother who wouldn’t be pissed off that their dad can’t wait an extra day to go on his holidays? Someone direct me to the bit where I said parents who don’t drive need to be shot - because afaik I just said I worry about something happening to my sons in their care and as one of them doesn’t drive and one will inevitably be comatose, this is a concern for me. What the actual fuck is up with some people on this forum 😂

This
you can’t determine what he does on his time
if he’d sent them to his parents for the entire week it would be the same….
why don’t the kids like their grandparents?

@mioz If you are that concerned go and get them 🤷🏾‍♀️

Do you message him everytime you have an evening out with a friend? Or do you get a relative to look after the kids? Point being, the kids are his responsibility when they’re with him and it’s not up to you to dictate what he does with them on his time 🤷‍♀️ It’s hardly as though he’s letting them juggle knives (is he??!!) Just focus on doing things your way when they’re with you, that’s what co-parenting is all about.

The thing is, you can feel whatever way you want to feel - but it's nothing to do with you. He can leave his kids with his parents if he wants, just as you could leave them with a neighbour or your best friend or a (future) partner. It's one of the massive downsides of separation - you lose a HUGE amount of say over what happens to your kids.

Dads are entitled to make decisions and take holidays
No everthing is your choice or control.
Hes living his life.
What the kids do and dont like if at grandparents is to bad.

This. And the not driving thing wasn't really a valid concern (not saying your other concerns weren't valid, @mioz ), but rather than saying yeah, OK, that's not really a problem, but mean, shouty, drunk ARE, you doubled down and kept going on about the driving.

Like I said earlier, I get how you feel, I know my son is happier and has more fun with me than his dad, but there are no safeguarding concerns - if there were, I'd take whatever steps I needed to take. If you think there are safeguarding concerns with your kids' grandparents, then you need to do something about that. If it's just that they won't be having a good time, then that's shit and I would feel the same, but you just have to accept it's not your time, not your kids.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I don't understand why your ex couldn't book the holiday with his gf on the days that the children aren't scheduled to be with him.

Most decent parents wouldn't want to leave their children with people who make no allowances for their child's ADHD, one of whom is an elderly drunk who is comotose from early afternoon onwards. It doesn't sound either safe or fun for your kids.

He is just as much their parent as you are so can decide who he leaves the children with, he niether needs your permission or to inform you before or after. If you have a genuine safeguarding concerns about who he is leaving them with, if he grandad is drunk regularly around the children I would consider making the application, Nan not driving not a safeguarding issue (she can get a taxi if theres an emergency and if you drive you could always offer your number in case of emergency) and a bit nitpicky and them telling the children off isn't a safeguarding issue.

It's his time he can do what he wants And You have zero say. He has left them with people he trusts and it's good for them to spend time with their grandparents Yabvu

YABU.

You would be foolish to get yourself into a situation where the two of you are expected to run all of your decisions past one another.

Imagine standing outside of school and a friend asks one of your dc to come for a play and you have to ask the parent if they drive and then say ‘hang on I just have to ring my ex and ask if it’s OK’.

"Measly" 50% 😂. So you want your kids less? Whats the issue with them being with gp's then?

Another one spectacularly missing the point

The problem is that most people on this site don't read updates from an OP. None of this was mentioned in your first post, so people will reply based on that and won't bother to read anything further no matter how relevant it is

Nah, I understand perfectly what YOU have written

You might have got different replies if you’d put that in your OP-which presented an entirely different scenario! So tedious when people do this!

Agree. Because on the face of it, of course a separated parent can sort out their time however works for them. But any sort of parent shouldn't really leave their kids with angry alcoholics. I'm married to my husband / father of my kids and I don't let his father babysit as he is indeed a shouty alcoholic. However, my husband is in full support of this so there's no issue. I don't think you can really stop your ex from sorting his time however he likes, unless there's a huge safeguarding concern in which case I guess you need to go talk to someone officially to adjust your agreement. Huge amounts of information was left out of the OP which means people aren't answering the actual issue.

Yabu

She seemed to think that being upper class meant that she could do what she liked/ live how she liked

Well she can do as she likes and live as she likes. We all have that right. She hasn't changed her way of life because you came along and married her son. Why would she? Good for her.

Years later and your sons are now "robustly" telling her off? It's not their place to do so. Years ago she's got you being rude now they've come along just as bad.
You and your sons sound very controlling.

I'm not a smoker or drinker or pet owner. My house is clean and airy.

I understand how you feel OP. A lot of posters won’t understand how it feels to see your children only 50% of the time. When your so called coparent willingly gives up his precious time with your children, time that you would dearly love to have, it’s a real kick in the teeth.

50:50 doesn’t always mean Dad is an equal and engaged parent. It’s often just preferred because it lets them off the hook for child maintenance. And when that’s the case, the focus becomes making sure you only have them 50%, rather than making sure that overall the kids see each parent equally.

It isn’t always best for the children, not at all. And very few people talk about the grief of having to give up precious days and nights with your children because you had to divorce.

In terms of whether your children are happy for one night at the grandparents though, I would keep it very simple. If you think they’re safe, say and do nothing. If you think the alcohol is a safety issue, do something immediately.

No you clearly don't. Honestly she's saying it's not enough for her, but using that in the context of him.
Complex maybe, but quite clear.

Op-quite rude to be fair.
Youve just shouted down every response.
Is this perhaps why your ex hasn't informed you of those gp plans in advance?
Was he worried about just being shouted down?

If you'd never go on an adult only holiday while other adults mind your kids, that's your silly fault for trying to be a hero.