Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

She said she couldn't believe he was losing out on his measly 50% and you thought that meant she wanted them less?

You have implied that his share of custody is "measly" (we have established, between us what measly means 😂) so, half n half. You have them 3.5 days, he has them 3.5 days.
For you to describe his caregiving as measly, suggests, to me that you want ex dp to have them more
Can you see where I'm coming from?

Are you divorced? Because if not, you can get "right to first refusal" (whatever that is in legalese) written in to the child arrangements order. Its quite common and there would have to be a very good reason for a judge to refuse it.

I may have understood if my OP didn’t literally say “because why does he want to cut his measly 50% ANY SHORTER”. I’m saying what we have is already far too little. Semantics.

Yes we are divorced (fortunately/unfortunately!)

Ok hun, enjoy your free time when your boys are away. Parenting is hard. Take care

In that case you can go back to court for that, but you have to decide whether you think its worth it. I would wait until he is back and if you can, have a calm conversation about it.

Yanbu, morally. He shouldn’t be left the kids with the alcoholic grandparents whilst he holidays with his GF. He clearly prioritises himself.

that said, legally/in practice he can do what he wants with his 50% so you can’t really say anything

Im not sure 50/50 is in the best interests of kids anyway if one parent can’t be arsed with their 50%, they just presumably want not to pay maintenance.

it’s a shame he’s happy to palm the kids off to these GPs who clearly don’t understand their needs.

@mioz legally you don’t have a leg to stand on he can choose to go he find fit to care for his children in his absence .
Also it’s one night and I think you need to think about if you were to do the same. .Are you saying you can’t leave your children with anyone else on your time ?

there’s three different factors you’ve raised here OP

1. Kids may be unsafe with GPs - this is a legit concern

2. Kids would prefer to be with you than GPs - not a big deal, plenty of kids are looked after sometimes by GPs when they might prefer parents, so that parents can work or have some child free time

3. You wouldn’t go away or do anything child free during your custody time so can’t see why he would - this is not really relevant, parents don’t have to make their entire life revolve around their kids even if they only see them 50:50. TBH many married dads see their kids less than 50% of the week.

You’re clearly very upset about the 50:50 split and this is obviously colouring your views so it’s hard to know if the safety concerns are real or you magnifying them because you’re so sad about the whole arrangement. Only you know whether the GPs are a genuine danger.

You don’t have a leg to stand on, unless you are considering reporting to SD and going down the legal route.

However, I would ‘play nice’ and tell ex that anytime he has something else on and you’re free, that you’re happy to swap days with him so his parents aren’t needing to babysit.

Frame it like you’re doing him/them a favour and he may be more likely to ask you next time.

If he thinks you’re trying to control what he does in his time then you’ve got no chance.

I totally get where you’re coming from on all counts, especially as, I assume your ex knows your concerns re his parents. I would just calmly reiterate, when he’s back, that you’d really appreciate first refusal on those occasions where he can’t have the kids during his time. Try not to criticise him for not maxing out his time/his parents’ crapness as he’s likely to get defensive - just say you miss them when they’re not with you/they’re still young and would prefer to be either home with you or him at this time in their lives.

Thank you for all of the responses. His behaviour has clearly triggered something in me which I am not yet healed from. I am grateful for those of you who came with empathy but still challenged me to alter my perspective. 50/50 is soo tough, and it’s unbelievably hard to know your children will be upset or having a miserable time and there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it until it’s ’your day’ again. Not something you expect to have to face when you decide to become a parent. I’ll step away from this thread but it’s been eye opening. Thinking of those also navigating co parenting too.

I can see why your miffed especially if you both agreed to change the 2-2-3 (I'm not sure what that is but hey ho) to 7 days on 7 days off maybe he didn't realise it fell on his holiday with his girlfriend till it was too late.

He may have spoken to his parents about how they behave with the kids and shouting at ADHD son and they are trying to make it up and have a nice time

I don't think there's much you can do though unless it's through courts or to pick them up and exercise your PR as you fear they are not safe if grandads drinking

His time his decisions. Kids staying with grandparents is normal

How is 50% care ‘measly?’

I think OP’s concern regarding the Nan not driving is more to do with the fact that the grandad is an alcoholic and should the necessity to travel somewhere arise then he may decide to drive the car with the OP’s kids in it whilst pissed and end up having an accident. I read it like this rather than OP having a random dig at non driving grandparents. And before you say that they could get a taxi or a bus if the need arises, alcoholics don’t always think about things logically and surprisingly don’t always make sensible decisions

Bit of a drip feed qhwn answers didn’t go your way. It went from mean grandparents to abusive alcoholics very quickly . If this is the case and you’re not over exaggerating to try to get people to agree with you, as sad as that would be. Then I habe no understanding why you wrote the thread as you did. As your key point should be my children are unsafe and with abusive /alcoholic people and of course you need to speak to your ex and social services to explain your children can’t be left in such an unsafe environment

if you’ve just got silly with it as you can’t cope with being wrong and the kids are perfectly safe, them one night with their grandparents is fine

A night with grandparents would generally be OK, but if they're as unreliable as you describe, that's concerning. I would want to establish how an emergency situation would be handled - do they live somewhere with easy access to taxis or Uber's, for example.

You need to be careful @mioz because you could give your ex ammunition to start dictating how you organize your time with the children, e.g., if the children are invited for a sleepover at your parents'/sister's/ brother's house, he might kick up a fuss.

If the children are actually unsafe with his parents though, that's different.

There are a lot of trolls on here these days sadly.

But I think most would agree (myself included as I also have a ADHD child) we do actually totally understand your feelings and most people (if not being difficult for the sake of it) would feel the same way.
But in legal terms of co-parenting...you don't get a say on dad's childcare arrangements in his time unless there is a real safeguarding risk. Which though it sounds far from pleasant, it doesn't seem like there is one.

You can try letting dad know that if he needs childcare on his time, you would be happy to be the one to provide it. But you can't insist.

If he makes regular choices that make them unhappy long-term, they will vote with their feet once they are teenagers..

Yes, like you always do. And like the mods probably explain to you every time they ban your accounts.

Click see all on OP's post. She has explained what she meant. Not that most of us needed her to explain that she doesn't think 50% of the time, is enough time with her kids...ie she would like more...where as he is willing to lose more time, rather than go away during his child free time. (Though it may just have been when the flights fell for a package deal)

Eh, i have never been banned, ever!