Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

You didn’t think the back story of the grandparents was important in a post about your children staying with the grandparents?

It’s not about whether they are better being with you, it’s about were they unsafe or neglected or uncared for?

Rather than insisting he should have brought them to you, maybe having a word with him about how his parents need some more advice on looking after a child with SEN.

Pick your battles. This is not worth the energy.

Tell your son to tell his teachers about how unpleasant his grandparents are if he really doesn't want to go there, about the alcohol and how they treat him, and it should trigger a safe guarding report.

I don’t think I’d want my children left overnight with an alcoholic either.

The OP made it clear that the DC would be having a miserable time with mean DGPs.

How much more do you need?

He could have gone away with his girlfriend on his week without the kids though …

How much more did I need?

Oh let's see now, how about...

"my eldest in particular struggles with his grandparents as he has ADHD and is always being told to shut up/sit down/stop moving etc, and has expressed before that he really doesn’t want to be sleeping over there. Their grandad also has an alcohol problem, and their Nan doesn’t drive"

Well, apart from the nan not driving because that's ridiculous, obviously.

In response to previous posters, 2/2/3 is much easier, everything happens with the same person on the same day every week. No stuff to haul back and forth. See both parents a lot. Week on week off is hard, feels like shipping off and brings way more of that constantly travelling feel.

i don’t think you here a leg to stand on here. From his pov this may just be a nice way to foster a better relationship with his folks and it’s one night on his time

OP I get you. I have successfully co-parented for almost 18 years & ex-DH would not have left the 2DC with his mum overnight. As much as she's in their lives it's never been without their dad there. DS2 has ADHD, so I get you, but my main issue was the constant smoking inside the house & ridiculous amounts of dust & dog hair when DS1 had pretty severe asthma (hospitalised a lot as a child) & allergies. So, similar to the alcohol.

She seemed to think that being upper class meant that she could do what she liked/ live how she liked & I was just troublesome for objecting to smoking/ massive amounts of dust/hair around children. She also loudly claimed it was only the working classes who were uptight about cleanliness- as if I'd grown up in some hovel I had to fight to keep clean 😆.

Both DS do still see grandma now they're 21 & 19, but they both hate the smoking & robustly tell her off (also about the excessive drinking! 👏.)

You're definitely not unreasonable.

I can't get past the "measly 50%" bit. Is that any different to your "measly 50%?

You’re completely aware that you’re taking the ‘not driving’ bit out of the context it was said in, or are you that obtuse

Perhaps I’m finding this easier because my PIL couldn’t cope with DS2 when he was younger for exactly that reason. MIL did tell him to shut up and FIL shouted at him. Hence why they never looked after him on their own.

Mean grandparents means exactly that, to
me. Ones who can’t cope and start telling dC off/shouting. It’s bloody awful for DC when that happens. Personally as OP isn’t in the same situation needing to use DGPs as back up care then I’d try to get the arrangement changed so that the DC come to me in the first instance and not PIL.

Yes! That’s my point entirely. It already feels like such little time.

Ok so can you put it into context please?

Because so far you haven’t really.

Nope extended family are not entities to spend time eoth them. No such thing or rule.

If the grandad is the only one who’s able to drive but he’s pissed from 2pm every day, and there is an incident or emergency with one of the kids, how are they going to get them anywhere with any urgency?

Always the same. Every thread where a woman has a concern. Women are really other women's worst enemy. Especially on Mumsnet.

So we should always agree with the OP just because they are a woman?

No, none of her business. They're with family, his family, on his time.

You do realise that millions of parents and grandparents have no access to a car and manage perfectly well?

@mioz You are entitled to have your concerns. You are entitled to express those concerns to your EX. But he doesn’t have to agree.

Ambulance or taxi... depending on urgency. My husband is legally blind and cant drive and this is what he would do if I wasn't around.

I get why you feel that way, but (and I know I'm repeating what everyone else has said, sorry), it's their dad's time so his decision/responsibility.

Why is it harsh? It's backed up by research that it's incredibly stressful for children and week on/week off is better for them.

What on earth is this nonsense?

Do you think with your vagina or your brain?