Co-parent gone on holiday and left kids with his parents.

[mioz]

Ex and I usually follow the 2-2-3 co parenting rule which generally works well for us but as it’s summer holidays we’re giving week-on week-off a go. So far I hate it but that’s another story. The kids have been with him for 6 days and are back to me tomorrow. Today I’ve found out that he’s gone on holiday abroad with his girlfriend and the kids have been sent to their grandparents to stay for the day/night (kids will not be happy about this arrangement at all). I’ve text Ex and said that if either of us are unavailable during our scheduled child time then we should be defaulting back to the other co-parent before asking family members for sleepovers but do I even have a leg to stand on asking that? I know technically it’s none of my business what happens during his time with the kids but this has simultaneously pissed me off (because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter) and upset me (because I know the kids will be having a miserable time with mean grandparents). Ugh.

I think having to default to the other parent, especially for one night isn’t reasonable. My ex wanted that so he could keep an eye on me going anywhere.
Of the grandparents are mean/alcoholic you need to address that specifically with him, what are his alternatives z

Isn't "his measly 50%" the same as your 50%...?

Whether it’s reasonable will also depend on what has happened in the past if the contact pattern has been altered eg would him approaching you to change the schedule resulted in a huge row? I’m guessing the flights /package /itinerary only started on certain dates.

because why does he want to cut his measly 50% any shorter

I'm obviously missing the point too. You refer to his 50% as 'measly' - if he was only seeing the children once a fortnight, that would be measly, but what's measly about 50%? Is your 50% also measly?

Also, I have to agree with the posters who question the sanity of 2/2/3, I can't think of any adults who would enjoy being passed between two homes on that sort of basis, so god knows why we think its good for children.

Do you genuinely think your children are at risk with their grandparents? If so then you need to go to have a calm conversation about making alternative arrangements in these situations. It will be a really tough conversation and may do significant long term damage to your coparenting relationship so please don’t do this unless there is a genuine risk and not just because you would prefer them to be with you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for children to spend the night with their grandparents in principle and I also don’t think you have to be told but if your children are at risk that is another matter.

Drunk people who can drive often think they can drive drunk do you not see the difference between lack of ability and alcoholism?

If the children think its fine its fine why strangers on the Internet think they need to impose their feelings on what works for them is beyond me

She's not talking about the drunk driving grandad, she's talking about the fact that grandma can't drive. So, yes, I see the difference, but that's not what OP is concerned about.

@mioz What the actual fuck is up with some people on this forum 😂

People don’t bother reading all the OPs posts on the vast majority of threads, and people are angry/pissed off/nasty and Mumsnet threads are an easy target.

YABU for writing on this site and expecting sensible replies!

And yes, I’d be pissed off in your situation too.

Your not wrong wanting your children to be safe

What evidence do you have that grandad is an alcoholic though is there real evidence backed up by a third party or just what you have seen? Im not saying i disbelieve you but its all about what you can prove

We have been down this road a parent was a heavy drinker loads saw it she also drove drunk and made her teenager babysit the younger child but she never got caught and despite the teenager telling everyone what was happening "nothing could be done" as far as im aware nothing was ever done the family moved away social services closed the case zero proof she moved within walking distance of a pub so she was off the roads that was it

It’s ONE day

Absolutely. Which is why I wouldn’t say anything about it if the children are safe. I’m just sympathetic to how OP feels about missing time with her children. The reality of 50:50 is much bleaker than people like to think. OP’s allowed to feel down about it. And she’s allowed to judge her ex for not valuing his time with the kids as much as she does. Lots of people don’t feel that way of course! But she’s not alone.

Well, I think technically it’s fine, as in he hasn’t done anything wrong on paper, it says a lot about him as a person that he’d rather be on holiday with someone else than spending rare time with his children. If I only saw my children every 7 days, I know when i wouldn’t be booking myself off on a jolly.

I wouldn’t say anything to him, but I would say something to your children if they express upset. If they tell you they think it’s a shitty thing to do (which it is), then validate those feelings.

You're not being unreasonable for feeling like this isn't a great place for your children to be left. And I get your upset and concern. My child is autistic and I would hate for him to be left with someone who didn't understand his autism. I have ADHD myself and I'd say - even at 7 - I'd learn pretty quickly to stay out of the way of whoever was being shouty. Or I'd mask the hyperactivity for a few hours, which would be tough but possible as long as I had an outlet when I got home (which would be you, in this scenario).

If there was an accident, either an ambulance would be called or I imagine their nan would call into a neighbour and ask for a lift. I know our heads go to worst case scenarios, but the possibility of an emergency like that isn't enough to state that they can't stay at their grandparents in the future.

It's just for one night. If the Nan is motherly enough - they'll be fine. It's unlikely to happen that they go for a sleepover again any time soon. And if you have a good relationship with your ex you could always slip into conversation something like this in the future "DS was talking about the night he slept at your parents, and how he was afraid of your Dad because he shouted at him a lot. Now, DS is fine, he's going to come across loud people during his life. Your Dad is just a different generation, probably didn't realise that he was scaring him and DS was probably not used to it as neither of us are very shouty people. But I thought you should know in case DS was worried about telling you directly, or gets a bit funny about visiting them with you. I thought I should at least give you the context". And just leave it at that. Make sure your Ex knows that you are absolutely not saying that they shouldn't visit your grandparents and that you're not calling his Dad a d*ck. But your Ex grew up in that household, he doesn't really need to be told what his father is like, and he'll unlikely leave them overnight again in the future.

In an ideal world separated parents wouldn’t make plans on their custody times but in reality sometimes it has to happen. Flights leaving at specific times on certain days, flights being significantly cheaper on certain days, other people on the holiday only being able to get certain days off etc. It happens.

If you have reason to suspect neglect with the Grandparents with the drinking and shouting etc this really is a case for legal advice so you can have it written up that they’re not to stay there without their Dad.

I used to go to grandparents. My grandfather was a miserable git but my granny was lovely. Neither drove so it was buses with granny which I did enjoy.
I learnt to ignore grumpy grandad.

I don’t think yabu OP. I don’t know why people are so mean.

A relationship with gp can be very beneficial, especially if they are mean. They will love you all the more, when they come back. Hopefully, the gp are disciplinarian as well, so it will be helpful as well. Or if they are not disciplinarian, but at-the-arse, this is great too - a contrast is such a great thing! It is almost like a start of a kid's summer book 'That summer, inexplicably, we ended up having to ....' Exciting for the children!

You are being very unreasonable here OP, sorry.

"His measly 50%".....But you do the other measly 50%?

Sorry yabu. Do you plan to run it past him anytime your kids stay with a babysitter?

Not sure you understand what measly means.

Eh!!!!! , measly= small/meagre, not a big amount.
Could you please illuminate me as to where you think I have misunderstood ?🤔

I only get them 50% of the time, which is awful and upsetting and devastating to miss out on so much of their childhood. So no, I don’t use babysitters and I plan all of my leisure activities in my child free time. If I’m invited to an event when my children are with me, I either don’t go, or I’ll take them along too. I get enough child free time to not need to book a holiday during the precious little time we’re together.

Yes measly = small. Meaning we both get such a small amount of time each with the children. Not sure where the confusion is here.