Support for a mum of a late potty trainer

[DearDog96]

Hi all,

DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again.

Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

Have you heard of the ‘oh crap’ method? There’s a book on it, I would recommend reading it, it worked for us in 3 days. Good luck.

What have you tried so far OP? No judgement from me. It is what it is.

What have you actually tried in the past? How long for?
How does she respond when you take the nappies away.
Unless she has some form of Sen or diagnosed medical issue she can’t start school in nappies.

Second the Oh crap method and riding the storm when it gets tough. Mentally tell yourself there is no out, it’s now and that’s that.

Have you spoken to the school about this? She’ll need a plan in place if she’s not trained before she starts to n September, it’s not that far away.

I haven’t, no. Will have a look and give it a go - thank you!

No judgment here! Just wanted to say on behalf of the TAs at your DDs school - thank you for trying again before she starts in September!

We’ve tried no nappies at all for about a month but she was still having so so many accidents. In the end we went back to nappies as I had baby no. 2. And needed to put my energy elsewhere!

she wasn’t a fan of taking them away at first and cried for a while. Once she realised I was serious about training she got over it though but was fine about having them back when her brother was born funnily enough.

and that’s not true at all RE her not being able to go to school. Obviously I want to avoid her starting in nappies at all costs, but the school can’t refuse to take her on these grounds. We’re in the UK and that’s illegal

And ‘being ready’ is a bit of a myth after a certain age in my experience. Neither of my children showed signs of being ‘ready’ but they had both reached a suitable age, had no known medical issues and could communicate well. We just went for it and both were dry in weeks. They were under 3.

I have indeed. They were very supportive and assured me I’m not the only one. I did express to them of course that it was my full intention to have her in knickers by September!

Thank you! Are you a TA yourself by any chance?

I suspect pp just means that unless there is a reason like SEN, no child should start school in nappies and that you have to ensure that she is trained before school. Not necessarily that the school could refuse them.

Ah I see, apologies for the misunderstanding. I agree with that which is why I’m trying again and giving it another go!

Have you warned school?? . This kind of thing needs planning for. Suitable space, appropriate staffing levels etc…
Teachers do not legally have to change children unless it’s specifically in their contracts.
Teaching support staff must be specifically trained and two will be required for all changes. It’s really not ideal.

Yes school are aware and have been extremely supportive.

Yes I remember when I was in school a parent coming in every time to change their child when they soiled themselves. This was 30 years ago now though!

It’s tough. Mine was a late potty trainer but they were not quite 4. Like you we followed all the steps, we read the books and watched the videos, bought every potty type and every toilet seat.

they just didn’t want to do it. No other reason. Still stubborn. One day they just decided ok I’ll do it and were day and night trained within a week.

I know it’s captain obvious but have you actually asked them what the issue is? At 4 you can start to get an idea of how to solve the problem via dialogue.

How old was your LO when they trained?

glad to hear a success story though!

and yes we’ve spoken about it a fair few times before. I think half of the problem is her not making the connection and then other half is her just not wanting to stop playing or whatever it is she’s doing!

I am. We have at least 3 joining our school in September that aren't trained. My daughter's nursery are also sending at least 3 up to the attached school as well so from my small pool it's not exactly uncommon this year. I can absolutely tell you that your efforts will be appreciated and I wish you all the best of luck

You need to help her to see that playing and wetting herself takes more time and effort than going to the toilet. Get her involved in changing her knickers, wiping herself etc. Reception is full on enough without her having to master toilet training unless you suspect SEN.

Thank you very much, I’m going to need it!

And wow it really isn’t uncommon then. How many kids are there per year? Do you have to change them or do you call parents in?

Mine was Probably about 3 years and 10 months. Something like that. Defo in the nervous stage that they wouldn’t be ready for school. It will happen I promise and when older they tend to be quick night and day. Just keep persevering with it. In the end the potty’s went unused and we moved straight to the toilet.

Yeah I hear many people struggle with the late 3’s but never very many 4’s which is why I’ve been panicking! But thanks for the advice, will try my best. Fingers crossed it’s quick but if not I’m not giving up! And good point about the potty, probably best to go straight to toilet

My son trained for wees at 3.5 when I bribed him with a sweetie for every wee in the potty - got it really quickly and sweeties were phased out shortly after. Have you tried an incentive? He still poos in a nappy now at 4.5 - no accidents just will ask for a nappy when he needs a poo and holds it for days if no nappy available. No bribes have worked for no 2s so far. I’m v much hoping he decides he’s ready soon.

Its a recent trend. It was very uncommon/unheard of in until 10ish years ago (am not judging just commenting)

Id take her to a shop and get her to choose new knickers etc. Ditch daytime nappies altogether. And just go for it. Its still very much summer....... so easier to get things dry again and she will be wearing less. Id ditch actual potties too as she'll be too big for those Im guessing? Go for adapted toilet seat options. Lots of praise, sticker charts etc. Promise of a new outfit once shes managed a whole week/month dry etc. Then move onto dry nights.
Hold tight and dont look back. Its not a fun experience but its worth the effort (I was SO glad when my two cracked it!)

Also...... one option to help her make the connection between wet and dry (because nappies are designed for the child not to notice! its to have her spend the first couple of days wearing a terry nappy/small towel instead of a nappy (or IN the nappy?) When she wees on that..... it will be wet and uncomfortable. That should help her realise "ah... when I get this feeling, I need to go and find a toilet"
Good luck!