Page 4 | Support for a mum of a late potty trainer

DearDog96 · 2026-07-17T19:34:50+00:00

Hi all, DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again. Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

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Gengha · 19/07/2026 12:50

MrsFaustus · 19/07/2026 09:12

Well childrens’ physiology hasn’t changed so attitudes obviously have. With Terry nappies and the revolting nappy bucket, we were very keen to get them trained. Unless SN most people started around two and had cracked it after a few intense days/weeks. Nighttime nappies varied by child of course. Obviously there were occasional accidents at home and school. I think two year olds were less resistant, after that they have views of their own!

Also mum’s were often around a lot more back then. My mum didn’t go back to work until I was 5 and my sister was 2. I was back at work 4 days a week when my eldest was 7 months and my youngest was 9 months. I was on maternity leave when training my eldest but had to take holidays to train the youngest

sparrowhawkhere · 19/07/2026 12:58

SpottyPyjama · 18/07/2026 08:26

I don’t think that post was intended to induce guilt, it’s just to explain the reality of what it is like in schools when children can’t manage their toileting by themselves. Parents can’t possibly know school
procedures otherwise. It can be helpful for parents to know how disruptive managing multiple daily accidents can be, and for them to know that teaching staff will not do a entire quick change for a child so they can prepare them to do it themselves.

individualised support will be put in place according to the personal needs of children with SEN, but we shouldn’t automatically assume that children with SN can’t be toilet trained before school. Many of them can be as their physical development is often no different to that of their peers.

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Thank you, it was exactly that, to give an insight into what it’s like in reality. There are children who it is clear they are going to need more support due to their needs. However, there’s a growing trend amongst more affluent families to follow the child and if their child doesn’t want to try then they don’t. As OP had commented that school are being understanding it made me question whether OP and others like her, feel they can take their time as school are fine about it. I can’t tell a parent that actually I’m frustrated you’ve left it this long because the reality is it severely impacts the staff and other children.

TheBluebird · 19/07/2026 13:03

Its really not that hard. Its takes patience,time and effort. No good starting and stopping. My kids are teens and they were all trained as soon as they turned two, that was the norm. I would be mortified sending my 4 year old to school in a nappy.

Easy to think it's your parenting when things go right.

Mine were born in the 90s so not Terry nappies. Both went to nursery two days a week and we're at home the rest of the week with me.
Nursery were pushing me to train DS1 at 2.5. It was a long and miserable process which I vowed to do differently for DS2.
DS1 was out of nappies by 4 but still having accidents until he was 6.
When it came to DS2 I was determined to wait until he was physically ready and not before 3. He just took his nappy off at 3 and said he wouldn't be needing them any more. Just a different child, nothing I did right or wrong.

While I'm glad DS1 was not in nappies starting school he was wet when I picked him up from school most days.

Naurrr · 19/07/2026 13:10

It probably will be that hard for this child though, she's at a completely different developmental stage to other kids who toilet train at 2, she's learnt to ignore her body's signals for years.

The Oh Crap book has been mentioned many times times on your threads OP (you said you hadn't heard of it before), but you might be better off paying for professional help, or following guidance for children with SEN.

sparrowhawkhere · 19/07/2026 13:12

And OP, I don’t mean to come across harshly. But I’m a reception teacher who is under enormous pressure with writing, reading, maths and helping children with personal and social development. I was in the middle of a task last week that I had to do, after multiple interruptions because reception children need you a lot, and a child said another child had weed over the floor. I know it’s ridiculous but I could have cried. This child has multiple accidents a day despite our best efforts, I knew I’d have to take a ta from another class to help clean up whilst me and my ta brought them all in from outdoor play and had to have two of us whilst we helped the child. I knew that work would have to be done at lunchtime (that’s already packed with other things I need to do!). The other class had no TA and my class missed some outdoor play time.

I feel society has gone from children being seen and not heard to children being listened to far too much. If a child wants to play and keeps wetting themselves, play needs to stop, they need to clean themselves up and lose their time to play to understand they could have made it easier for themselves. A child might be unhappy that they can’t play/can’t have a dummy/have to give up nappies but that’s ok. Children need to be unhappy sometimes to learn. Parents are so scared of their child being unhappy they are creating a whole lot of new problems.

EverytimeItPours · 19/07/2026 13:20

sparrowhawkhere · 19/07/2026 13:12

And OP, I don’t mean to come across harshly. But I’m a reception teacher who is under enormous pressure with writing, reading, maths and helping children with personal and social development. I was in the middle of a task last week that I had to do, after multiple interruptions because reception children need you a lot, and a child said another child had weed over the floor. I know it’s ridiculous but I could have cried. This child has multiple accidents a day despite our best efforts, I knew I’d have to take a ta from another class to help clean up whilst me and my ta brought them all in from outdoor play and had to have two of us whilst we helped the child. I knew that work would have to be done at lunchtime (that’s already packed with other things I need to do!). The other class had no TA and my class missed some outdoor play time.

I feel society has gone from children being seen and not heard to children being listened to far too much. If a child wants to play and keeps wetting themselves, play needs to stop, they need to clean themselves up and lose their time to play to understand they could have made it easier for themselves. A child might be unhappy that they can’t play/can’t have a dummy/have to give up nappies but that’s ok. Children need to be unhappy sometimes to learn. Parents are so scared of their child being unhappy they are creating a whole lot of new problems.

Edited

Agree with all of this. There was a qu on this or the other thread earlier about why do so many children go to school not trained these days and I think it’s this. Too much waiting for them to be ready, looking for child to give things up. Parents should step up and realise they’re in charge of all this stuff not the child.

PenandPip · 19/07/2026 13:25

Gengha · 19/07/2026 12:45

Mine were not ready when they had just turned 2. I find people who talk about their kids being trained early, the kids were still having accidents frequently and/or the parent was sticking them on a potty every 15 minutes, including the utterly revolting contraption of a “travel potty” 🤢

Mine may have been a bit older but they were able to recognise when they needed to go and no accidents and were clean and dry day and night within a few days

Edited

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No accidents and no travel potty.

Gonnaeatalotofpeaches · 19/07/2026 13:30

Some kids are just really stubborn no matter when you start- it took my youngest about a year to be totally clean and we started at about 22 months she definitely knew she needed to wee but would rather do some in her pants than stop what she was doing.
My advice would be just persevere your daughter will understand. I have a feeling if you send her to school in pants after six weeks of toilet training she will know what to do and do it because the other children are even if she’s not perfect at home.
My one who took a year to train never had accidents at nursery or friends houses as she knew what she should do but would just choose not to at home all the time.

BananaPeels · 19/07/2026 13:32

sparrowhawkhere · 19/07/2026 13:12

And OP, I don’t mean to come across harshly. But I’m a reception teacher who is under enormous pressure with writing, reading, maths and helping children with personal and social development. I was in the middle of a task last week that I had to do, after multiple interruptions because reception children need you a lot, and a child said another child had weed over the floor. I know it’s ridiculous but I could have cried. This child has multiple accidents a day despite our best efforts, I knew I’d have to take a ta from another class to help clean up whilst me and my ta brought them all in from outdoor play and had to have two of us whilst we helped the child. I knew that work would have to be done at lunchtime (that’s already packed with other things I need to do!). The other class had no TA and my class missed some outdoor play time.

I feel society has gone from children being seen and not heard to children being listened to far too much. If a child wants to play and keeps wetting themselves, play needs to stop, they need to clean themselves up and lose their time to play to understand they could have made it easier for themselves. A child might be unhappy that they can’t play/can’t have a dummy/have to give up nappies but that’s ok. Children need to be unhappy sometimes to learn. Parents are so scared of their child being unhappy they are creating a whole lot of new problems.

Edited

I can definitely remember when I was in reception in the early 80s a girl in the class kept wetting herself. Funny how I can picture the hall and us doing an activity and it happening. Weird some memories stick. So I’m not convinced that the problem hasn’t always been there but now people just talk about it more. I don’t think there was the good ol days when every child was completely dry at the point they started school.

castle6 · 19/07/2026 13:42

You have plenty of time OP- you aren’t working because you have a newborn baby from what I gather?

Having another baby isn’t an excuse, you need to make sure you are meeting your daughter’s needs too… which includes toilet training and getting her off the bottle.

Sure, the school might deal with it. But think of what you are setting her up for starting school in nappies.

Putting her back in nappies was a mistake. It confuses them. Put her in pants and stick to it. You just have to clean up accidents and get on with it. It’s frustrating, I know. I’ve been there x 4 children! Eventually they get sick of wetting themselves and realise it is just easier to go to the toilet.

All mine have been different- I had one child who was pretty stubborn and reluctant and spent about a month weeing everywhere but the potty, then another couple of months still having some accidents but eventually it settled down.

I agree with others that, unless there is SEN etc… you really need to tough this one out and get on with it for your daughters sake.

Not trying to be harsh just realistic.

Gonnaeatalotofpeaches · 19/07/2026 13:50

A highlight of potty training one of mine was when I had just taken her to the toilet at the beach and she refused to do anything she immediately squatted on the picnic mat and looked me straight in the eye as she wee’d on it!

itsgettingweird · 19/07/2026 13:52

of you don’t have success during the summer may I suggest pull ups for future and then she can do it all herself and change herself etc.

Then for uniform I’d suggest dresses or skirts and socks to increase how much she can do herself.

Sometimes it’s not just the inability to know she needs to go but the self confidence they can do it or the self esteem to miss out on what’s going on around them to go to the toilet.

Also a child wearing pull ups can independently start to use the toilet in school like their peers in peers in pants and sometimes that’s really helpful too.

Newname26 · 19/07/2026 13:53

Gengha · 19/07/2026 12:50

Also mum’s were often around a lot more back then. My mum didn’t go back to work until I was 5 and my sister was 2. I was back at work 4 days a week when my eldest was 7 months and my youngest was 9 months. I was on maternity leave when training my eldest but had to take holidays to train the youngest

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When were you born?

To find SAHMs as the norm your going back to Mums in 70s / early 80s. That's pushing towards great-grandparents to today's babies.

By the 90s mums had 6mth maternity leave and disposable nappies. They are todays grannies.
Those 90s babies are the ones having children today.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/07/2026 13:55

You do seem very relaxed about what you’re asking of the school - ah, it’s fine, the school will change her, they’re really understanding.

They’re really understanding because they HAVE TO BE when they’re talking to you. In actual fact, they will probably be despairing at yet another element of parenting that’s being passed on to teachers. Research suggests an average of 2.4 hours teaching time per day is lost because children arrive at school lacking basic life skills.

aberturret · 19/07/2026 13:59

If she absolutely cannot be trained in time she is more than old enough to learn how to wipe / pull pants up and down. So make sure she is in pull ups not nappies, and if she wees in her pull up she is in charge of taking it off, wiping, putting a fresh one on. Obviously help her a bit with poos. Dresses only to make it easier. Keep pushing the toilet as much as you can.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/07/2026 14:11

I think you need to switch to getting her to do most of the clean up and change herself under supervision in the same way that a TA will do. This might present enough inconvenience to motivate her to stop what she's doing and use the toilet and if not then she's at least prepared for how it will be done at school.

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:24

Smartiepants79 · 17/07/2026 20:51

Have you warned school?? . This kind of thing needs planning for. Suitable space, appropriate staffing levels etc…
Teachers do not legally have to change children unless it’s specifically in their contracts.
Teaching support staff must be specifically trained and two will be required for all changes. It’s really not ideal.

That’s not all true actually, this is from Bladder & Bowel UK -
“All staff who work in school will have had relevant pre-employment screening to help
prevent unsuitable people from working with children. Therefore, there are no regulations
requiring more than one person employed by a
school to be present to support a learner with
changing, or to assist them with bladder and/or
bowel management. Furthermore, having more
than one person is unlikely to promote continuity,
dignity or privacy for the child.”

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:27

DearDog96 · 17/07/2026 22:06

Thank you very much, I’m going to need it!

And wow it really isn’t uncommon then. How many kids are there per year? Do you have to change them or do you call parents in?

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It’s illegal for a school to insist parents come in to change a child.

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:33

DontBuyAnotherBook · 18/07/2026 06:58

Even though it is different for SEN kids these type of comments don't half make me feel guilty. I genuinely can't see us succeeding with toilet training before my son starts school. I will have a good attempt but if it doesn't there is not much I can do but use two staff if he needs changing. He has a right to start school. I also don't think some realise how hard it is for some children to be trained who aren't ND or disabled. Some just don't get it. School preschool haven't helped us either despite saying they would.

Edited

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Loads of kids with SEN won’t be diagnosed before they start school! Also medical issues with bladder and bowel can go undiagnosed for a long time.

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:48

Mami2Cymraeg · 18/07/2026 08:55

You'll need to invest time in this OP. Take at least a week off work and stay at home for the first few days. I only took a week with mine, but they were much younger and easier to persuade. Three year olds are stubborn things and you need to look at this as your only role for a week - to train your child to use the toilet.

It’s not her only role though is it with a baby to care for as well?

sparrowhawkhere · 19/07/2026 14:55

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:24

That’s not all true actually, this is from Bladder & Bowel UK -
“All staff who work in school will have had relevant pre-employment screening to help
prevent unsuitable people from working with children. Therefore, there are no regulations
requiring more than one person employed by a
school to be present to support a learner with
changing, or to assist them with bladder and/or
bowel management. Furthermore, having more
than one person is unlikely to promote continuity,
dignity or privacy for the child.”

Show quote history

I completely disagree with this. It’s not always about the child. I would refuse to change a child without another adult present. An accusation could be made and your career would be over.

TooMatchaMatcha · 19/07/2026 14:57

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:48

It’s not her only role though is it with a baby to care for as well?

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Yes, but clearly OP will need to prioritise this urgently. She can't use the baby as an excuse for failing to parent her older DD properly. It's really unfair on the teachers, the other kids and her DD.

Smartiepants79 · 19/07/2026 15:29

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:24

That’s not all true actually, this is from Bladder & Bowel UK -
“All staff who work in school will have had relevant pre-employment screening to help
prevent unsuitable people from working with children. Therefore, there are no regulations
requiring more than one person employed by a
school to be present to support a learner with
changing, or to assist them with bladder and/or
bowel management. Furthermore, having more
than one person is unlikely to promote continuity,
dignity or privacy for the child.”

Show quote history

I don’t know any staff who would be prepared to supervise an intimate change of a young child on their own. The potential for career ending misunderstandings and accusations is too high a risk.

DontBuyAnotherBook · 19/07/2026 15:40

sparrowhawkhere · 19/07/2026 13:12

And OP, I don’t mean to come across harshly. But I’m a reception teacher who is under enormous pressure with writing, reading, maths and helping children with personal and social development. I was in the middle of a task last week that I had to do, after multiple interruptions because reception children need you a lot, and a child said another child had weed over the floor. I know it’s ridiculous but I could have cried. This child has multiple accidents a day despite our best efforts, I knew I’d have to take a ta from another class to help clean up whilst me and my ta brought them all in from outdoor play and had to have two of us whilst we helped the child. I knew that work would have to be done at lunchtime (that’s already packed with other things I need to do!). The other class had no TA and my class missed some outdoor play time.

I feel society has gone from children being seen and not heard to children being listened to far too much. If a child wants to play and keeps wetting themselves, play needs to stop, they need to clean themselves up and lose their time to play to understand they could have made it easier for themselves. A child might be unhappy that they can’t play/can’t have a dummy/have to give up nappies but that’s ok. Children need to be unhappy sometimes to learn. Parents are so scared of their child being unhappy they are creating a whole lot of new problems.

Edited

Sounds like that child has SN if they are having multi accidents don't you think?

DontBuyAnotherBook · 19/07/2026 15:43

User1839423790 · 19/07/2026 14:33

Loads of kids with SEN won’t be diagnosed before they start school! Also medical issues with bladder and bowel can go undiagnosed for a long time.

Show quote history

Well mine has an autism assessment next month at four and a half although I do think many will have been flagged as potential SN before school starts.

Support for a mum of a late potty trainer

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