Support for a mum of a late potty trainer

[DearDog96]

Hi all,

DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again.

Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

I would have expected a HV and GP to have made it clearer to the OP that a child who learns earlier will be easier to train. And not have been so laid back about it. Not good.

The reason some people say their children were trained at about 2 I suspect may be because years and years ago women had to wash out and reuse old fashioned cotton nappies. There were no pampers nor pull ups.
It was the best incentive to getting a child clean. Day and night.

It will be a bit harder the older they are but just stick with it. Still summer so nappies off. Anytime in the garden especially.
And follow the guidance that others have given. And good luck. You owe it to yourself and your child to get them clean. They will see others at school who are and will probably want to be the same.

I had 2 boys I trained at 3 which some people on here would say is too late but I absolutely would not have them starting school in nappies.

No offense at all OP but an NT 4 year old is capable of being potty trained, please don’t make more disruption for the teachers in September. You said well it doesn’t make a difference if she’s one of a few but I wonder if this attitude is rubbing off at home?

I wonder if you are overthinking it. You need to ditch the nappies asap. Pick a date in the next 2 weeks which works for you where you can be at home for a few days after. Get the oh crap book, ignore some of the stuff where it says 2 year olds should be trained as that’ll make you feel hopeless, but the rest of it is good. Tell your DD, after XXX day (for example) no more nappies during the day, nappies are for babies, you’re a big girl now. Take her out to pick some big girl knickers. Don’t listen to fuss or tantrums. First day, nappy off in the morning, right you can use the toilet straight away. Then breakfast, toilet again. Keep her naked waist down to start with. Every change of activity, toilet. If she hasn’t been to the toilet, time to go. There will be puddles and accidents, help her clean up. After a few days start putting knickers on her. There will be accidents, keep telling her every time, ok if you need a wee you need to go to the toilet. Have wipes etc in easy reach and help her BUT she needs to be wiping herself and putting wet knickers etc in the washing machine herself. She will get the hang of it pretty quickly when she realises that having to do that is more of a faff and time consuming than just using the toilet. After a week or so she’ll probably be ready to start going out. Get her to go for a wee before she goes out. Keep an eye on the clock and by then you’ll have clocked how often she needs to go. You’ll need to go to places that have easy access to the toilet initially, that’s ok. Start by going to the supermarket, or anywhere that is a quick trip out with toilets in easy reach. Take her to the toilet after an hour (or however long you think she’ll go) even if she moans and says she doesn’t need it. You’ll probably have to keep an eye on where the toilets are, and take out changes of clothes for 6 months or so. But she’ll get there.

Ignore the “but you need to look for readiness signs” by 4 she is ready, but nappies are so well made now they don’t feel uncomfortable so no incentive to get out of them. Good luck, she (and you) are more than capable, you just need to take the plunge.

Maybe. He is almost non verbal still at 4.5 and other behaviours so I would be surprised if they decide to wait and see.

@itsgettingweird I have worked with families of young children for over 40 years. I have to disagree about using pull ups during toilet training. The pull up gives the child no idea that they are wet. That is an important part of toilet training. Much better wearing pants and sitting on a puppy pad (if child is in the car seat or on aunt’s sofa). Pull ups are a nappy and need to be ditched if you are toilet training.

This is sensible advice. It will work.

I can assure you schools are not always supportive unfortunately. I have supported dozens of parents where school have been anything but.

Oh I agree and there’s been a lot of discussion at my workplace about 1 person for the child’s dignity. Unfortunately I’ve had very young children make up lies, twice about me, quickly dismissed as other staff present. One in particular was so ridiculous it should have been funny. These lies were about classroom incidents. I can’t imagine the damage that could be done by a lie or misunderstanding involving toileting.

Oh just realised you have multiple threads about this - I remember your other thread actually about still allowing her to have a bottle and dummy age 4

i think there is wanting practical support and then there is hearing the truth as painful as it can be. You’ve got 6 weeks throw everything at this no matter how uncomfortable and inconvenient it may be

@User1839423790sorry I also meant they are NOT always supportive typo there

my child does actually have a medical issue rather than a parental one and whilst the school say all the right things realistically with 30 kids 1 teacher and 1 TA practically it’s very hard to clean up a child who has an accident or who requires more support with toileting.

It is true that other children will see who are the ones who are trained and who not. I would not want my four year old to be in the “not” group. Children are judgmental and the others in the class can work out what is going on. Make that the incentive to use this summer to complete training as described so well by previous posters.

Let me reassure you as a SEN parent with an older child.

DS is 7. He isn't toilet trained, but when he started reception, he did start trying to go with other children and had good success.

The issue with DS became around sensory differences in different bathrooms and not having free access to a toilet with no barriers, including having to ask, as he has communication difficulties.

His school have never once made me feel bad for his difficulties around toileting, and were nothing but full of resources to try. They've never been anything but kind.

He's just got into specialist and they outright sent an intimate care plan as they know that many SEN pupils will still require support.

You have to surrender to lots of wet and soiled clothing and many changes - don’t think of that as a fail/reason to give up. Don’t panic because she’s messed her pants again, just change and keep going.

Sure indeed. Its not rocket science. Why is it such an issue with some parents now. Let me think 🤔

I had 2 kids who both trained just after two. My third showed no signs of being ready so we tried when it was convenient, talked about the potty made it available but when we were still waiting for signs at 3.5 we decided we had to go for it.
we did pants in the house and basically took him to potty every 30-60 min. He got a sticker every time regardless of what happened and a treat for a wee/poo. We still put a pull up on in car or when out. By the time he started school he was 90% trained . Wees were fine but poos he struggled with. Thankfully he developed a habit of pooing before school. He still struggles with bowels now at 11 )we are under consultant now) but he does also have Sen.

How did previous generations train their children? No child ever started school in a nappy. Have children suddenly evolved . No. To much pandering, laziness and watching social media. Parents waiting for their child to be ready. Children can and are able to be trained before they are three.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead
the difference is that your child is SEN so the school will have (hopefully) systems in place. The OP - according to her other thread - prioritised comfort and convenience over potty training a NT child

im aware in my kids school the SEN TAs are asked to clean up NT children whose parents couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort ….taking away the SEN resource that is hard fought for by SEN parents for children that actually need it ….

Cotton nappies, no easy disposable ones. No pull ups. Massive incentive.

But critically too, many mums did not work. So the summer was a good time to get it done once about 2.
Fitting toilet training in with going to work doesn’t !

Take time of work then and prioritise your child.

@DearDog96 this is the second thread you have going about your failure to potty train your child.

More time potty training and fewer threads about potty training might be more effective.

@Monty36i potty trained twins as a single mum working full time - just requires annual leave and effort and a big box of washing powder

To busy scrolling on her phone and expecting the school to deal with her four year old who is not toilet trained.

Plenty of time? She has 6 weeks….

I potty trained at 2 in 2022 and 2025 so no I’m not some older granny who used Terry cloths.
It’s not an older generation thing to potty trained at the appropriate time.

I’m a younger mum with 3 kids 0-4 at one point and I still parented them all! No excuse of having a newborn to fail to do my job as a mum

My eldest was born in 2008, no pull ups. I trained her when I had an 8 week old high needs baby. No excuse not to train your child.

@Beachbeachplenty of time as in, she’s at home with her children! She’s not at work. I worked full time as a single parent with 4 children and I still managed to potty train them all… I took a few days off work and started over the weekend to give me a good chunk of time. You just have to persevere. Having a newborn baby is not an excuse! I’m sorry but she’s failing her older child. And the attitude of “oh well, school will sort it” is rather worrying!

If her child genuinely can’t be trained, she needs to seek medical advice. It really isn’t normal. There, I said it.