Support for a mum of a late potty trainer

[DearDog96]

Hi all,

DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again.

Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

Rubbish modern diet, both parents working, disposable nappies is my theory.

I would say laziness..

I agree with this

Most people I know who have struggled with constant accidents in their “trained” kids have been inconsistent with things like this. Like putting them in a pull-up for short car journeys, or for having different rules depending on setting. Once you have taken the plunge IMO you need to stick with NO nappies at all apart from overnight.

I don’t often comment on these threads but it sometimes isn’t as simple as ‘just put them in pants’ or giving them an incentive. Some children literally don’t care about being wet!

I won’t tell the full story because it’s their personal information but with us it took a good couple of years from going into pants to being fully trained. We did everything that you might expect (books, stickers, routine, rewards…) including taking them to the GP, the HV and finally the paediatrician. But there was nothing to be done medically. There was literally nothing that any service could suggest beyond ‘keep trying’.

It can have psychological causes (especially where there might be some neurodiversity involved) and they just have to get it in their own time.

This is just an observation and won’t really help practically. My late mother used to say that the modern day instances of later and later toilet training started with the introduction of disposable nappies. In the days of terry nappies when parents (usually the mother) had to soak nappies, then wash and dry them, that getting the child toilet trained happened much, much earlier than nowadays.

Us too, both kids.

As I pointed out earlier both parents working has been a thing since the 90s. Disposable nappies have been a thing since then too.

The 80s was probably the decade of change into Mums returning to work after mat leave and the majority switching to disposables.

Kids arriving at school in nappies is much more recent than the 90s.

Something else must have changed, we can't blame it on special needs, those kids have always been there, many many of them under the radar.

Is it the pull-ups?
Not having your Mum being of the terry generation - get that child trained, you lazy bitch?

I think you might have a point. About inconsistency. I've a friend who had her child almost there, when she took him on a car journey 2.5hrs, she used a pull-up and felt it took ages to get him back to where he was prior to the journey.

Nice idea but we’ve been back in nappies for
months now (until 10 days or so ago) and she hasn’t said get it off me yet!

I’m just looking for advice, your comment and sarcasm was not needed.

What’s your DD’s personality like? Could she be bribed? Or slightly manipulated?
Could you take her shopping and let her pick whichever big girl pants she likes? Then maybe a new backpack for school or something “only big girls have for school”, something that she really really wants but say if you buy it, there’s no money left for her nappies so she has to use the toilet from now on?

Also, are you using an actual potty? She might hate it. I got my DD one of those seats with steps (and handles) that went on top of the toilet. She sat on that with a carton of apple juice until she had a wee and then we danced around celebrating like she’d won a competition. She loved it, thought it was hilarious.

Yes I definitely think bribery could work. We’ve been using sweets and small toys for now but maybe I need to up the stakes! We have bought her some knickers with her favourite characters on but will see if I can find some bigger rewards that like you said, will leave no money left for nappies!

And yes we’re using an actual potty but have a toilet seat for her coming soon

I definitely had to up the stakes for my DD. She also couldn’t grasp how she was a big girl if she was weeing in a “bowl” on the floor whilst I was using the toilet.
I’d make it the most exciting shopping trip/experience ever. Really emphasise how proud she should be of herself, how clever she is, how she’ll be going to the toilet with her friends in school, more time for playing because the teacher won’t need to change her nappy etc.
I mean, dogs should be howling down the street by the excited squeals and “yayyyyyyy” celebrations when she uses the toilet.

Equally, absolutely zero punishment or negativity if she has an accident. Just “that’s okay darling, let’s clean up” and then she helps you get fresh pants out, wipes herself up etc.

All this angst and you STILL haven’t got a toilet seat for her. Dear god. Talk about setting her up to fail. At this point you should have bypassed the potty entirely.

Sounds like you haven't done much since the last posts?

She’s far too old and big for a potty FFS

you’ve clearly taken the easy route of shoving a potty in the room she’s in rather than getting her to the nearest bathroom

schools don’t provide potty’s

How has she been getting on since you've tried taking her out of nappies again now?

A sticker chart worked really well for my daughter. We got one with days of the week and different tasks like using the toilet, wiping, washing hands and being dry through the night etc. She had a small reward for each use of the toilet, then a bigger reward for each day/week.

@DearDog96 Does your child have any Sen needs? My son has just turned 4 but only started potty training at 3 3/4 years as he was simply no ready. I took a week off work and he slowly understood that his nappies are all gone. He has a speech delay too so he didn't tell us when he need to go, he has only just started telling us when he needs to go. After a week or so, he realised his nappies wouldn't be coming back and began to play ball with using the toilet.

We brought him a potty but he didn't like it, he was far too big for it. We found the toilet seat with steps worked really well for him (you can get these off amazon). Just get rid of the nappies unless it's night time. We also had a reward chart.

I’m glad to hear that you are making some progress. It would be interesting to know your success rate for the past 10 days. I would for sure be converting to percentage success. Although I have spent my career working with young children, I am a scientist at heart so I like numbers.

If you already have some success and there are no medical/developmental barriers, for sure you will be sending her to school in big girl pants. You still have a whole month. Be very proud of her - I am. If however she still needs a nappy by the end of the month, you should be visiting your GP - she may have a UTI.

Since she is getting the idea, I would send the toilet seat back - and go and buy one with your daughter. Make it a big event. She must be involved in the choice of color and shape. She has to want to use it.

Please report back with your percentages 😊

We’ve been through 3 pairs of knickers today so not great! Although had a couple of toilet wees which is good.

she’s got a reward/sticker chart that she loves so definitely a good idea!

No she doesn’t, not as far as I’m aware. I’m hoping the perseverance will get it to click! But I’ve ordered a toilet seat and the nappies will be staying off other than at night

Success is probably about 40-50% for wee and 25% for poo.

im hoping the perseverance this time will teach her. I don’t think she has a UTI as she’s in no pain or anything - she just isn’t trained!

the toilet seat will arrive in the next couple of days so will probably keep it but make a big deal out of other successes

The perseverance will work if you are getting those figures already. I’m assuming that when she is unsuccessful with 💩 you have some dirty pants. Not nice if you are squeamish - but a bucket and Napisan will show you why Mums were so keen to potty train in the past!

Hi, I started training my little boy when he was just gone 3 years. I timed it badly as we were just home from holidays and he was worn out, i stopped after 3 or 4 days, i had been using bribery, he didn't care and he's very stubborn. I started again 8 weeks later, and needed him trained for preschool. I used Dr Becky Kennedy's method, it's free to download, but a lot of it was telling him i trusted him to know the feelings in his own body. I won't say it was easy, he knew what to do quite quickly but was a fan of the 'revenge wee', as in, if i tried to get him to do something he didnt want to do, he'd wee anywhere and everywhere on purpose, but i found her method good, and helpful to keep things calm. She calls it 'potty learning' rather than potty training. Hope that helps. Good luck, I found it very very very stressful. He still has some accidents now at just gone 4, but he's very good mostly.

This is some great advice, thank you! Will look into Dr Kennedy’s method :)