Support for a mum of a late potty trainer

[DearDog96]

Hi all,

DD is 4 and is showing no signs of being ready to train yet which is concerning me as she’s due to be starting school in September. We’ve had a few failed attempts in the past, and she just doesn’t seem to be getting the hang of knowing when she needs to go. The doctors and HV have been supportive and keep giving me all these different tactics to try but to no avail and since I’ve recently had another baby we’ve resorted back to nappies again.

Please don’t come for me, I know she’s late to be trained! Just looking for some support, tips, and to know I’m not the only one still having to change a 4 year old x

Yes you’re pretty much spot on. And I think she’ll be fine, she’s been changed by babysitters etc. in the past so should be fine x

Thanks lovely, we used pants when we tried and she just didn’t get it but will try again! Thanks for your support x

School have already said they’ll change her but I know what you mean! Will take all the advice onboard and try my best. We’ll get rid of these nappies one way or another!

You mean well OP with what you say to her but it's possibly giving mixed messages by unintentionally making an accident acceptable.
I read somewhere never say it's ok, don't worry, etc. Instead we say calmly and kindly, wee doesn't go in pants or on the floor. Wee goes in the toilet. Let's clean you up.

I followed the guide from ERIC, the children's bladder and bowel charity.
I'd definitely recommend you have a read of Eric info. If I remember rightly it was written by a paediatric nurse specialist in this field. They also have a helpline you can ring, if you wanted to chat through with someone.

https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/

Thank you so much. I’ve never considered it like that, I’ll change my wording and tone x

Regarding reasons.......Ive pulled this quote from the article Ive linked below.
“This is no longer just a classroom issue; it is a systemic crisis fuelled by stretched school resources, low expectations, the rising cost of living, and by parents who lack the right information and understanding early enough to truly support their children’s development,”
Staggering number of children starting school not toilet trained, study finds | The Independent

Honestly, if you get to September and she still hasn't cracked it I would be going into school to change her. It's not fair on the teachers, TAs and the rest of the kids in her class to take their time away from actually teaching.

Good luck over the summer and hopefully some of these comments will help! I understand that it is difficult, especially with a new baby too. Do you have support at home to help you?

Thank you! If she’s the only one I’d consider it, but if there’s a few of them then it probably doesn’t make much difference does it. Anyway…
hoping to not be in that position at all!

thanks for all your support, and yes I do! DH is super supportive, as are grandparents (well one side more than the other!)

Again it might not be fair but for some it will need to be done. Staff know this.

I can't get my head round what's changed in the last 10 years.
Nappies can't be that much better than they were 10-15 years ago. Its 40-50 years since SAHP was the norm and terry squares were the norm. So it can't be nappies or nurseries.

It has to be an attitude change.
Could it be we are on to the second possibly third generation to use disposables and fall for the 'wait until ready' myth. Which is really a marketing line and not all kids show readiness.

Mums in the 70s and earlier, cloth nappies and a twin tub, was hard work. There was an eagerness to avoid washing nappies. It was also a source of pride to get kids trained.
They encouraged their children to get the DGC out of nappies ASAP

The average new parents today was probably born in the 90s so not getting their head nipped by their 70s mum, 'get that child trained, I mean we had you out of nappies at 18mth'

At one point MN used to defend the starting school in nappies, lots of children are now in mainstream that would have been filtered off to special schools. With the numbers that article is talking it has to be more than that.

Op i think you need to persevere. Bribery buttons / smarties. Then go a whole week with no accidents you'll take her to cinema or something and try to get her trained.

Op you say above “if there’s a few of them it doesn’t make much difference”. I know you’ve said you’ll to to crack this before September, but you also seem to be comfortable falling back on the school as an option to change your 4 years old’s nappies. It absolutely will make a huge difference to the day of teaching staff. I think you need to change this mindset and tell yourself this cannot happen. Imagine if it does, how are you going to potty train then? Will the school help out by letting her run around with no knickers on and get her used to being wet and uncomfortable? Of course not, it will only make training her even harder.

if there’s a few of them then it probably doesn’t make much difference does it.

Yes. Yes, it does.

🤦🏽

Oh gosh I remember your previous thread now. Is she still on the bottle?

Have you spoken to your HV recently?

Well childrens’ physiology hasn’t changed so attitudes obviously have. With Terry nappies and the revolting nappy bucket, we were very keen to get them trained. Unless SN most people started around two and had cracked it after a few intense days/weeks. Nighttime nappies varied by child of course. Obviously there were occasional accidents at home and school. I think two year olds were less resistant, after that they have views of their own!

I do agree it will make it harder but I have a limited amount of time and if she’s not trained what on earth can I do! Of course I will try my best to avoid the situation where she’s starting school in nappies, but if she does for whatever reason it will be dealt with by the school along with the other kids in her position - that’s all I was saying.

She has the bottle but only at night. I’m picking my battles and tbh what difference does it make what she drinks out of in the comfort of her own home/bed. We’ll tackle that after potty training!

and yes have spoken to HV. She basically said as long as you try in these next few weeks and get her out of them by school then all is good

Your obviously older and I'm guessing a mum in the 70s or early 80s, I'm thinking the 80s is when the big switch to disposables happened.

I do agree 2 year olds are less resistant to change. I think parents are missing that window waiting on signs that don't always exist. I'm sure I read kids were best trained between 2 & 2-9mths

There is also an attitude of it will be easier when they are ready. You see it all the time on here, give up and try again in an few months, missing that window and thats how Ops ended up in this boat.

But she needs to perceive the older the kid gets the harder it will be. Must be costing a fortune in nappies too.

I’d be hiring a temp nanny to help you crack all of this – potty training, dummies and bottles – asap.

Yeah I probably have missed the boat haven’t I! Cost wise it’s about £250 a year which obviously I’d rather be spending elsewhere

That’s probably a bit drastic. I’m sure I’m capable with the right advice

Its really not that hard. Its takes patience,time and effort. No good starting and stopping. My kids are teens and they were all trained as soon as they turned two, that was the norm. I would be mortified sending my 4 year old to school in a nappy.

Waiting for the backlash.

I’d argue leaving a 4yr old in this developmental state is drastic too!

It’s not exactly backlash but you had children who completely engaged with the programme.

mine didn’t. They just didn’t want to. No amount of cajoling, star charts, rewards etc, potties everywhere, holding over the loo did it. They suddenly just decided between the age of 3 and 4 to do it and were potty trained within a week.

it was the same with sleeping through. One of mine was 2 before they slept through, the other 7! I followed every book, every piece of advice, every possible thing but they just wouldn’t sleep.

when you have an easy child who does everything they are supposed to at all the right times it is very easy to pat yourself on the back and say ‘hey, it’s easy I’m a great mum’ but honestly when you are in the thick of children who just won’t play ball it is very difficult.

admittedly I have now been rewarded by the most easy going, chilled non troublesome teenagers in the world so I’ve got my payback and I can pat myself on the back and tell other parents who teenagers are being little sh*ts that teenagers aren’t that hard, just takes patience time and effort!

Mine were not ready when they had just turned 2. I find people who talk about their kids being trained early, the kids were still having accidents frequently and/or the parent was sticking them on a potty every 15 minutes, including the utterly revolting contraption of a “travel potty” 🤢

Mine may have been a bit older but they were able to recognise when they needed to go and no accidents and were clean and dry day and night within a few days