To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

Morning, @Overthecamelhump - we hope you don't mind but although we can see that you've had some useful advice on here, we don't think that AIBU is the best place for your thread. For that reason, we're going to move it over to our Parenting topic now.

We hope things improve for you soon - sleep deprivation is unbearable in so many ways but it WILL get better at some point. You may also find useful advice from others who've been in your situation in our Sleep topic.

No OP, you're wrong there. Being signed off for two weeks is a not red alert, last resort, it's what self aware, sensible people do when they are at their limit. You do it so the 'red alert' never comes.

Your kids at school will cope. Better to have 2 weeks without you, and you come back refreshed, than 6 months when you've had a breakdown and asked to leave.

Hi how long has your baby been screaming at night like that ? Mine was exactly the same when they had an ear infection have you got them checked out because that would rule illness out? Or it could be teething my son was awful with his so have you tried calpol or nurofen ? It’s worth a try then if it works you know it’s pain making them cry. There must be something bugging them if there not waking for milk and just screaming xxx

Hang in there, OP.

I've had (two) non-sleepers and when my sister smugly announced she had sleep-trained both of hers, I wanted to strangle her!

It's shit and it will change. The magic moment for me was when teething took the back seat and my child fully transitioned to solid food.

In the meantime, schedule uninterrupted naps when you can and make it clear IN BIG RED LETTERS to your partner that your will not be disturbed during that time. Not for anything less than the house being on fire.

It meant I was going to bed at 8pm, some evenings, but it saved my sanity.

Also take some time off work ! Just go sick because your mental health is more important. Mine started sleeping through from 11 months before that I was a state and could barely function I also had PTSD and pnd so you can imagine how hard it was I shudder when I think back to them months x

Hey OP, having a non sleeping baby and no family support is a special kind of hell. Motherhood was not supposed to be done like this, I think all mothers without a tribe have dark thoughts in the middle of the night when baby won't sleep.

You have had some bloody awful responses on here. I empathize that even if you could see GP/ HV there is probably not much they could do ...it's not like can prescribe someone to come round and give you a break.

You can't get a GP appointment around here either. They call you, at a random time during the day, and that's your appointment. And if you miss that call BECAUSE YOU ARE BUSY and they didn't specify what time they would call, they tell you off over voicemail and you have to start the whole fecking process again.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds truly shit. If it helps my baby was a kicking, writhing little beast at 10 months but doesn't do that at all now she's 16 months. I too have dark thoughts when being kicked in the fanjo at 2am.

Fingers crossed its just a shortlived phase! Things can change very quickly and I'm hoping you get some decent sleep soon.

Also I agree GP probably wouldn't help anyway. Would just say it's Covid.

Completely relate - as do tons of other women as these posts come up fairly regularly so don't feel you're alone or there's something "wrong" with you there isn't. Parenting is just utter shite for many people - well many women as let's be frank the reason it's shite is because the load falls disproportionately upon our shoulders.

Yes it does get better but yes that's not helpful when you're in the thick of it. At least it wasn't helpful to me but all I can offer in the way of "advice" is hope. Mine have just started school and my life is unrecognisable to the misery that was small children. They still piss me off from time to time obviously but the frequency of that irritation is a fraction of what it was. Sleep is key as you know but if you have one who won't sleep (my DD2 didn't sleep through until 2.5 and I remember that torture so well) well it makes everything unbearable. Plod through as best you can and escape as much as you can - leave DC with your DP and stay with a friend/family and get some sleep. Do it as often as you can. Get as much free time as possible to be your own person without anyone clawing at you. If you can't stay away take every Friday or Saturday night and make that DPs night to wake up. Sleep on the couch with earbuds if it means you won't hear the crying. If you have just one night a week where you get decent sleep you will feel more human and will have that to look forward to.

Also how was the birth? Sometimes I notice a correlation of a bad birth with those who struggle a little more with being a first time mother. Possibly off the mark but it's just something I've noticed anecdotally.

I'm going to suggest a red based light, so during night routine or when DC wakes only put on this light and it can be used as a nightlight light too, it has a dimming setting for sleep time. And I would just wear him out with play for 45 mins - hour, then he should go down quickly. I know it's controversial, but I find it much easier to sit and play than trying to get an awake child to seller. Their development can be weird and it's quite normal to wake in the night , maybe he is purely needing some quiet 1-2-1 time. In the gentle sleep book she says it's quite normal to wake in the night and be active then sleep again. Do things like read some books, simple puzzles ( you talk about the pieces and model how to do it.) Get out toys and talk about them, pick up and say dog, dog dances, cat, cat jumps, really simple labelling language. Roll balls, stack cubes to make towers and he knocks them down. Spin things, make up little games for him to watch with puppets or some wooden animals. Drive cars.

I would also consider that he maybe moving towards a single nap, it doesn't mean he doesn't need two naps still, but if he has different routines on your work day to your days at home then depending on that you could see if he can do a day with one nap and then a couple of days with two. It may or may not help.

All I can say is, it gets better

My DH couldn't help during nights due to schedules at the time. I remember being exhausted at night and during the day.

It takes a little while depending on your child and other factors such as routines, etc. but it'll pass!

Could you have a short break away on your own or with a few friends? A spa weekend perhaps? Just for your own well-being?

I admit I haven't RTFT so I'm sorry if this isn't possible for you.

First of all, I understand. My son (3 now) was a high needs baby with undiagnosed CMPA. I didn't enjoy the baby stage by any stretch of the imagination. It was horrendous. So I empathise

However, you need to lower the expectations you have of yourself and your baby. I haven't read past the first page so I don't know how old baby is, but seriously. Lower your expectations. Babies are hard work, never mind when you work and have little to no time to yourself. Your expectations are too high. Lower them and raise them as your baby grows.

You also DO NOT NEED to sleep train your baby. I never did sleep training with my son, and I bed-shared with him. He's now 3 and sleeps in his own bed all night for the majority of the night. There is nothing wrong with bed-sharing and responding to your child. I promise. I hate how sleep-training is the go to "solution" for situations like yours. It is not necessary.

It's hard now but it does get easier (I hated hearing this too, I really did).

If you have any way to get other childcare outside of work and regular nursery hours, do it. Even if it is just for 2 hours a week so you can relax and have time to yourself - get a massage, go to the gym, read a book, have a bath, hell even go shopping by yourself. You need some you-time.

The storm always passes, even when it's at its darkest right now.

Also, when you're in the midst of things it can feel never ending and impossible. You can absolutely love your child(red) to the moon and back and you can absolutely enjoy being their parent at certain parts of the day, but when that godforsaken time hits during the day or night, you want to run away and never look back. It doesn't matter who says "it gets better" because when things are that tough, it doesn't feel like it ever gets better. Parenting isn't always fun, and that's totally okay - I don't think you need to go to A&E, because I can see that you're not a threat to yourself or your partner or baby just by reading some more of your comments.

I would say that I think you'd benefit from going to the GP and asking for anti depressants but as you've said you enjoy parenting during the day and it's only the nights you struggle with, I don't think that's the case at all. I think it's simply a case of not having enough time for yourself, to do something you want to do. You don't need A&E or a GP, you just need some rest and recuperation.

If it’s any help, at 10 months my Ds was also a nightmare sleeper. Barely napped daytime, woke every hour or two nighttime. Took ages to go back to sleep.
I could barely function I was so sleep deprived (dh as well)
He wasn’t sleep trained or anything drastic, but around a year old just started sleeping through. Nothing changed.

Now 16 months, we have had 3-4 months where he sleeps 8pm-6/7am 95% of the time, and if he does wake usually goes back quickly.

So it could just be around the corner for you

Not really related maybe but huge huge thank you to everyone who shared their stories!
I know that soul destroying feeling of sleepless nights very well like so so many of us.
What kinda gets me through it is the knowing that I’m not alone in this. I’m not the first and I’m definitely not the last and when I’m circling around bedroom shushing and rocking at 2am , the idea that hundreds, thousands of mothers are doing the same thing as me right know… kinda makes you feel you are not that alone in this and that throwing baby out of the window and screaming “f… you! “ is really not an option.
You’ll get there eventually. We all will.

@Eri21

Not really related maybe but huge huge thank you to everyone who shared their stories! I know that soul destroying feeling of sleepless nights very well like so so many of us. What kinda gets me through it is the knowing that I’m not alone in this. I’m not the first and I’m definitely not the last and when I’m circling around bedroom shushing and rocking at 2am , the idea that hundreds, thousands of mothers are doing the same thing as me right know… kinda makes you feel you are not that alone in this and that throwing baby out of the window and screaming “f… you! “ is really not an option. You’ll get there eventually. We all will.

How lovely. I would have been so touched to read that when mine were tiny, in fact it probably equally applies to my teenagers !

This was me. Did cry-it-out in the end and it was a miracle cure. I know the OP isn’t seeking advice but if you feel like you’re losing your mind I wouldn’t rule it out.

@ManicPixie

This was me. Did cry-it-out in the end and it was a miracle cure. I know the OP isn’t seeking advice but if you feel like you’re losing your mind I wouldn’t rule it out.

We did cry it out as well, and it didn't work for us.

Time was our only cute. 3.5 years of time.

That would drive me mad every night. I’d stop picking baby up when this happens and try and support them through it a different way.

Bum pats, shhing, they’ll eventually learn that you’re there but you’re not giving in to their demands.

@Staryflight445

That would drive me mad every night. I’d stop picking baby up when this happens and try and support them through it a different way.

Bum pats, shhing, they’ll eventually learn that you’re there but you’re not giving in to their demands.

No they don't all learn. My boy screamed and screamed until he was sick. Bum pat's and shhing just didn't cut it. He wanted comfort by being cuddled and close...

It's shit. I didn't enjoy the baby stage at all with my first, especially not at night. I fantasised about running away in a few dark moments he was a terrible sleeper. Once he got more mobile though, wearing himself out in the day, and better at getting himself comfy in his cot, he slowly improved. And one day I suddenly realised we weren't obsessing over sleep or even talking about it anymore.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason! It's so hard now but I promise it will get better soon

@Staryflight445 - that just doesn’t work for all children. Mine as a baby, would cry if put down when he didn’t want to. If he wasn’t picked up ASAP he used to hold his breathe and pass out. Even if I tried to put him in cot 2 minutes to use toilet etc.
At 1 year he still does it sometimes ie if he’s been left the other side of stair gate. Will scream and then hold breathe until blue

@Staryflight445

That would drive me mad every night. I’d stop picking baby up when this happens and try and support them through it a different way.

Bum pats, shhing, they’ll eventually learn that you’re there but you’re not giving in to their demands.

Thinking a ten month old is being manipulative is such an odd mindset.

And where have I written that I think a 10 month old is being manipulative? They clearly don’t know what they want and op is at her wits end.
You don’t have to do everything your child desires either.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend lots of children scream and scream until they’re sick/ hold their breath etc. It doesn’t mean you put yourself in the position of OP and seriously mentally struggling because of it.

I’m not saying leave your child to cry but a slow adjustment to how you’re behaving to them in a situation like this, does change it.

I’ve been there, twice.