To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

@Overthecamelhump

And the problem isn’t people offering advice. I think the issue is when people start to become stroppy, rude and generally unpleasant when you say ‘actually we’ve tried X Y and Z.’

Then they accuse YOU of being the dick when actually it is them. I’ve seen this so many times on MN and I don’t understand it at all.

And I know when threads get long it’s hard to keep up but it gets a bit exhausting saying over and over no … co sleeping doesn’t work, yes we do alternate but you know what I’m still dead … no sleep training didn’t work … yes we’ve tried a dummy.

It’s not like threads have a minimum number of answers.

I agree with this, and I think it’s because everybody thinks they suffered with bad sleepers. But until you’ve had a properly poor sleeper - I did, not even daytime naps, never a full night, reflux, kicking, screaming - you can’t appreciate what a completely different experience it must be to have a baby who sleeps even sometimes.

People used to tell me I’d look back fondly at that time. I don’t, and I never have. It was shit.

Ah well, no one will read that where I’m from

@Pumperthepumper my reflux non-sleeper is 18 I still feel traumatised by the experience and she was my 3rd!!! Worst of all was the HV and GP telling me "oh it's a touch of colic" when I said there was something wrong...

I returned early to get a break from the constant screaming and misery it nearly broke me and DH. Only saving thing was that her 6-7 hours sleep out of 24 was in one stretch overnight.

@Overthecamelhump

Oh god can we not turn this into a slag off partners?

He isn’t shitty or useless, he gets stuff wrong, like I do, it’s what it is. I had an absolutely shit night, my baby doesn’t sleep well at all at night and it feels never ending although it isn’t.

Of course it feels never ending. Everyone expects it at the beginning but it is bloody tough when the don't sleep well after the initial 4/5 months.

It's absolutely fine not to enjoy that part of parenting. You shouldn't feel bad for it.

My ds is autistic and didn't sleep until he was 13! I love him. I totally got why he couldn't sleep but it didn't mean I enjoyed it and I'd have been so cross if people weren't empathetic - sleep deprivation is actual and literal torture!

Don't feel bad for not enjoying the bad bits.

But I would try and adjust your day and routine to get more downtime, perhaps an evening nap if partner could take over.
Or try shifts during the night so it's more equal.

@Overthecamelhump

OK well the threads not going to be remotely helpful if I can’t be honest about how I feel about everything so I’ll leave it.

To summarise, at 2 in the afternoon I love my partner and baby more than anything.

At 2 in the morning I would strangle them both and probably enjoy it.

I have the same day/night split, OP. I feel you.

I’m surprised how many people on here aren’t familiar with the concept of offering empathy and support rather than just offering piles of ‘solutions’ to someone who’s struggling. Low EQs.

And as for the ‘what did you expect’ comments, there’s no eye roll big enough.

@itsgettingwierd

How come you have to work at home too?

I would try and cut this out and speak to boss if work load is too high you can't complete it in work time.

Are you alone? If not why are you doing all night wakings? Shifts make it much easier and you body clock adapts to different sleep patterns which is much easier than wake/sleep every few hours.

I think OP might be a teacher.

Everyone tells you having a baby is hard but you really have no idea until you experience it. My little girl slept through from threeish months and I remember the hell of sleep deprivation well. I know I've been lucky in comparison and I don't know how you're even still functioning at such a late stage with so little sleep and working too ❤️

OP I get it you just wanted to vent in your original post. I had 2 non sleepers.
You're that tired you feel sick and wobbly on waking. Those years are long gone but when I read threads like this I can remember it so clearly.
I did do a form of sleep training with my first age 3 and it did work and took less than a week but am sure I wouldn't have been able to try it at the age your baby is.

Hope it improves soon OP. I remember 10m being quite tough and mine didn’t sleep until around 18m. Multiple long wake ups where she would just stare at me and I would pace up and down and up and down trying to get her to sleep and I was a zombie. She mostly didn't cry and scream but she was just wide awake and staring at me and I was just pacing and trying to avoid eye contact in the vague hope she would go to blasted sleep. DH didn’t understand why I was so cross about it all the time. Life is much better how she sleeps. This too shall pass. Doesn’t mean it isn’t shit though. Hugs.

OP, I know it's not why you came here but I bloody I've your turn of phrase. It's a tonic.

A lot of having a baby is really, really shit. Doesn't mean you love them less, doesn't mean you weren't prepared, just means it's really fucking HARD. FWIW, I don't think people say this enough.

I had a hair pulling, sleep refusing difficult bugger of a baby. It made me feel murderous too. DH and I often used to say "I need you to take over because I'm having a Throw the Baby Out of the Window moment". We both got it (we never actually contemplated throwing him out of the window).

Sometimes there are no solutions. It's just shit, and you have to find a way to vaguely cope until this phase has passed and the next challenge befalls you. Being besieged by Mum Guilt is the opposite of helpful. Allowing myself acknowledgement of the shitness and accepingt sub par performance in most areas if life, as well as a good old rant, helped me.

(The maddening hair pulling drove me to distraction to the point that DH bough a wig, yes a wig, and cut it up into tiny non-strangleable pieces for darling baby to play with instead of my barnet. Weirdly, this worked more than anything, but did lead to us living several years of always being accompanied by "wiggy" and the ensuing bemused looks. Small price to pay.).

It will pass. Ours is 5 now and sleeps solidly, although still wakes up at 5am. Which seems blissful after the first x years. One day we just hit a sweet spot. Until then you need no one's permission to state just how unequivocally shit the night times are. Solidarity.

@Overthecamelhump I don't have any advice, but you have my sympathies.

I am currently on maternity leave with 7 month old twins, and I am utterly exhausted. I cannot leave them with anyone, as looking after both is too hard and unfair on family etc. Don't get even half hour to myself each day without babies. Some days I wonder how I will get through another day. But we push through and manage.

Sending you hugs and waiting for it to get better too

@Overthecamelhump

I love being a mum during the day, to be fair.

If I could sleep at night, or even just have a couple of wake ups and go back to bed … that would be wonderful. Life would be blissful.

I'm not reading anymore comments, because I think you've had a really tough time here, and on top of not sleeping, the unkind comments aren't helpful.

When you are in the middle of this, and you are sleep deprived, it feels relentless, and there is apparently no end date, unless you count 16 years away, but that doesn't help today.

Think about the path of least resistance. 10 months was an utterly shit point of my mothering life. Is it teeth, do we need calpol, is it separation anxiety, do we need to co-sleep? I climbed in the cot every night for a year to feed to sleep and that helped. I was 15st at that point and it wasn't easy. The cot was under nearly as much strain as I was.

I heard about the Wonder Weeks app, and it doesn't get fab reviews, but it helped ME get through the day and night. I could see an end date to each developmental leap. I stopped thinking "is it me?" And started thinking, "no, it's her, and it's tough being a whole new person, but in 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, whatever, this bit will be over and we'll be on to a different bit".

It applies up to 2 years old, and then after that, theres another blip every 6 months, and it goes crazy for 2 weeks either side of the birthday/half birthday, and I repeat "this too shall pass" and it does, and you see your baby starting to change and its wonderful, and you forget about the shit that preceded it (almost)😂

That sounds really tough OP. Really feel for you.

You sound depleted and like you are getting no opportunity for self care. That’s not sustainable for even the most amazing parents. Something needs to change. I’d really encourage you to share this with your health visitor.

Hang in there. Sending you

4 kiddos here op. Eldest 8 youngest 2. Are you breastfeeding? My 2 year old is still breastfed so is super clingy and wakes in the night. I know this is the reason but we aren't ready to stop yet. If you are breastfeeding, could you try night weaning or weaning all together? Unfortunately broken sleep is part of the parcel. I work from home for our family business and I don't think I have had a full night's sleep since I was pregnant with my 1st 8 years ago. I have got used to it.

Sounds daft but once you genuinely accept that you might not get sleep and try not to get angry or upset about it, it does actually feel better. It took me 4 kids to get that one. I used to get so upset at not getting sleep and feel angry. Now I kind of go yep. No sleep is coming but you know. What can you do and I seem to cope with it better. But that just might be me...so sleep deprived I don't know what the heck I'm talking about any more

This sounds so tough. I am glad that we women have equal rights and independence but sometimes don’t you you just think it would be nice to have 1 job instead of trying to juggle everything? No easy answers I am afraid. It sounds like you badly need support op. I wish I was your neighbour. I would help you.

Last thing you need is more tips but we happened upon the idea of sitting on a fit ball and bouncing up and down with baby in arms - I can’t remember how many bounces used to do but he would count to himself and it was always make her drop off. It was a bloody miracle.
Also forget this crap about putting baby to sleep at 7 or whatever - not sure if you are doing that or not - we used to put ours to bed so late (sheer disorganisation) that baby would be desperate to sleep. All luck of the draw etc so probably useless tips. Good luck.

Ps if you can afford it pay for a private GP appointment- NHS is utterly pathetic and I agree with you that is is impossible for people with jobs to wait all day on the phone to make appointments. Pay privately and it’s done. Worth every cent.
HVs non existent/useless in my experience pandemic or not.

Oh my love. Didn't want to read and run.

I hated the baby phase too.

This is the truth, I promise you: it WILL get better. I swear to god. It all gets easier and way, way more enjoyable.

I'm so sorry you're hating it. Don't feel guilty about that, just get through.

I promise promise promise it gets better.

My first baby didn’t sleep through the night until she was two. DH and I shared the nights. We both worked.

It was relentless at the time. I hope he sleeps better for you soon.

@Overthecamelhump I had a child exactly the same, literally tried everything and it was a fucking nightmare of a time and I felt exactly like you!
My child hated sleep, we had sleep studies, a sleep hv and still nothing changed! He hated co sleeping, screamed around his dummy and was just a nightmare! I felt exactly like you! My ds hated the cot so much that at sixteen months I put them in a single bed with those sides you can buy, did it magically stop the screaming? No, but we seemed to get more than when they were in the cot. Probably not recommend at such a small age but tbh I was passed caring! We had another child and ds used to keep her awake all night! About two they started sleeping through ten night. It genuinely nearly broke me and was the reason my Dh was sterilised as I could never do it again! You have all my sympathy.

Have read all your replies, so I know you’re resistant to sleep training. I’m just telling you my experience with no judgement on whether you go down this route or not.

We got a sleep consultant in when my son was slightly older than your baby. I was desperate. There were mornings when I could barely look at him when I left for work in the morning - I was so tired and so angry at him for making me tired. It was really beginning to affect our bond. I got a sleep consultant and was highly sceptical. I was convinced it wouldn’t work. We had dabbled with various sleep training methods before and nothing had worked, so why would this? I was wrong. 3 nights in and he slept the night through. First time ever. It was without doubt the best money I’ve ever spent in my life.

Ah OP I hear you. I had a complete non sleeper as a single parent working full time.

He would thrash about in his cot after every night waking for about 2 hours screaming, kicking, if I tried to pick him up he would pull at my hair. This went on (and I'm so sorry to say this) till he was nearly 16months old 🤦🏻‍♀️ he'd wake every 3 hours and then be awake for another hour or so to settle.

It was genuinely like living with a fucking gremlin. Once it got dark he just went crazy! I hated him at night, genuinely I'd see sun set and I'd get filled with dread. Because I knew what was coming!

I won't lie once he got over 1 and I'd done like 3/4 months of fuck all sleep, I'd give him a spoon full of baby piriton and that seemed to give me one nights respite. I know it's bad, I know I shouldn't but I was on my knees. 😳 I only did it twice in my defence your honour.

I really feel for you. Not being able to sleep is like a form of torture! I too am a teacher and I completely understand how exhausting the job is, without having to go home and care for a little one, on virtually no sleep. I have no words of wisdom or anything to suggest really but I just wanted to be here for a hand hold. It will get better, just embrace the good times at the moment and try and rest when you can xxx

I worked for a lady like you when I was cleaning, she advertised for home help which included looking after her baby. I am not a registered nanny but I was fine and it took a load off her in regards to helping with baby and coming home to a clean home.

I don’t know if you can maybe see if you can hire someone, of course make sure they are dbs checked