To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

In your position you just need to sleep train asap. You dont have a supportive partner to help you with night waking and you don't get to "sleep when baby sleeps" because you are working, so baby is old enough to learn to sleep when you do.

Can you get an afternoon off work & nap to prepare yourself for the first night?

Then just go for it. Honestly, sleep deprivation is 90% of how you are feeling. You will also get a good 3 hours of evening back when baby is asleep between 7pm and 10pm, even if you need to be in bed then to rise at 6.

I remember leaving the hospital after a rough first two weeks of DS1's life and passing a family with more than one kid. I felt like screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DID YOU DO THIS, TWICE?!'

I knew it would be hard, but I really didn't think it could be so hard without killing me, I guess. You have my total sympathy, OP. But it will, absolutely, get a hell of a lot better. I agree with PPs - age-approprite sleep training should be a priority.

That sounds really tough. I remember feeling like this and I didn’t even go to work. It’s the relentlessness of it all combined with inadequate sleep for days/weeks/months on end.

It will get better and you will come out of this the other end.

I’m sorry op, the relentless nature of parenting is never clear beforehand!

I think we should prepare young people better (particularly girls - much as I would love it to be otherwise - we know who will be mostly dealing with the physical effects/responsibility).

That egg/crying baby prep they do is no good at all. They have no emotional attachment to it.

Perhaps a boot camp? Their PlayStation/phone gets dangled over a pit of lava and will be dropped if they don’t do exactly as they are told?

I’m thinking a particularly vicious army sarge waking them multiple times a night, playing the piercing cries of a baby, and getting them to perform tasks. Never giving them a moment to themselves without worrying their ps/phone will be toast.

Whilst screaming at them ‘DON’T GET ANGRY!!!’ and then when they are at the very edge...a swift ‘accidental’ whack to the face.

If they don’t completely break down after six months...they are ready for children.

That should do it.

(Sorry op, not exactly helpful but I hope it gave you a chuckle. The ‘go the fuck to sleep’ poem saved me when I was at the very edge with dd who had reflux.’

It won’t always be like this

The sleep gets better, the hair pulling turns into very sweet and heartwarming chats and lots of fun times

But yes; it’s hard. It’s really hard

I wish that people were a bit more open and honest about how hard it is for line parents

There are far too many posts from women wondering if they can go it alone after an unexpected pregnancy with an unsupportive partner, or asking about donors, where all the replies are ‘you’ll be fine! It will be fine!’
When the reality is more like your post and it’s actually really really tough

How old is baby. I promise you it will get easier. The lack of sleep makes things feel alot worse. Do you have any family or friends who could help so you can catch up with sleep. Children services can really help. Phone gp too. You sound exhausted. Xxxx

Don’t sleep train like another OP has said... for one it’s cruel... they’re crying for a reason... but it’ll most likely send you over the edge!

Co sleep. That way you’re there to comfort when you baby wakes without having to completely rouse yourself.

For those saying you’ll make a rod for your own back.... I have a 12yr old who co slept until he was 5 and now won’t even let me sit on his bed! Your baby won’t be in there forever.

I was in this position. At 9 months I had to sleep train because I was exhausted. I used a Sleep Consultant to guide me through the process and it was the best £100 I have ever spent.

Within a week my baby went from one who’d be up every 2 hours, for at least an hour every night, to a baby who slept from 7.30pm to 6am.

As soon as I was getting more sleep life was much better.

God you poor thing. You sound utterly spent and exhausted. I remember that feeling only too well. My first was a piece of cake from day 1. When I was expecting my second, I foolishly thought it would be just as easy. Mother Nature heard that, gave me the two fingered salute and my DD had horrific tongue tie and reflux. She couldn’t lay flat and couldn’t even tolerate being in a car seat. My now XH had had a life changing RTC a month before she was born. I went back to FT work early to keep the family going (I’m a nurse).

The lack of sleep was pure hell. I literally shudder when I think back to those times.

What helped me was being able to get DD into a sleep training schedule (a friend passed onto me the schedule a sleep trainer gave to her baby) when she was about 6/7m old, just before I went back to work. It took me about 10days to get it sorted but it saved my sanity.

DD was also a “challenging” toddler/pre-schooler. Things got easier from age 4. Now she’s 8 and my DS is nearly 15. Having them is the best thing I ever did (promise you I didn’t think that when DD was a baby!!).

Have you got anyone that can help you? Even if it is taking baby for a few hours so that you can actually sleep? A friend did that for me at it was amazing!

My friend said with her first that she wished she could have a baby and then he would go away and someone else would have all the sleepless nights, breast feeding, nappy changing etc and bring him back aged 5 when he was ready to start full time school and could dress himself and tie his shoelaces.

OP
Have you seen your health visitor?

It’s so tough, I’ve just had my second. I barely get a minute to myself. I get 2-4 hours broken sleep a night. How old is your baby Op? I really feel for you, it’s totally draining

I just wanted to say to you-
It’s a phase. It’s temporary. It will pass.

Secondly you are trying to fit too many things on your plate and you need to reduce your work time. Even if you have to pay and delegate some of it to a person on FIVERR you need to prioritise yourself because this is a marathon.

I was shocked too OP, at the sheer relentlessness of it. For those who are saying that it will pass, yes the broken sleep will. But for me it just moved the goal posts. Toddler who never sat still, a 4 year old who never stopped talking, a teenager with wild mood swings, a 16 year old with the most disgusting attitude.

Now she’s in Uni and she’s amazing but I hated being a mother with every fibre of my being. Hated it. I love my DD utterly and did everything possible to give her a great childhood with lots of fun, movie nights, days out, emotional support etc. but I hated it, resented it.

We have a wonderful relationship now and it’s great but I wanted to prepare you for the fact that hating it and resenting it might not pass. It’s why I only had one.

Those saying “what did you think you were getting into?”- yes, people do tell you it’s hard and tiring etc but it’s the sheer relentlessness that gets you. The same thing over and over every day with no reprieve and no chance to catch up, always chasing your tail. Before kids, if you have a bad night’s sleep or you’re jet-lagged or pull an all nighter for a big project at work etc you can catch up the next night. If you have a busy week at work you can have a lie in on the weekend. When you have kids there’s no let up, one terrible night’s sleep follows another, wake up at 6am every day even weekends etc.

Doing work in the evenings: don’t suppose you’re a teacher OP? I am and currently on maternity leave but dreading when I go back and how on earth I’m going to organise my time.

Oh it’s horrendous.
It depends as well if you have a sleeper or not. My first one wasn’t, and that was really awful.
My second wasn’t as bad but the fact I already had a dc meant that I was shattered then too.

Basically - it’s shit. There’s little to recommend it. It does get better, slowly. When they are more independent it feels slightly less shit.

However I also won’t be telling my dc it’s the be all and end all and will make it clear there are other choices. Especially for dd. Having dc has ruined my mental health, my finances and my freedom. I love them but I didn’t know they came with this level of worry, anxiety and relentless.

I don’t understand people saying ‘what did you think you were getting into’.

OP’s given no indication whatsoever of how she’s come to be in this situation (and neither should she have to). But for all you know, her partner could have died when she was 8 months pregnant. We have absolutely no idea.

Of course even if she decided to become a lone parent completely by choice then she still deserves sympathy. But what sort of idiot doesn’t realise that not every situation is what the person ‘thought they were getting into’?

I outsourced it as much as I could, both DC went to nursery from four and five months, stopped bf, not afraid to let them whinge at night and they never ever came into our bed. Tbf they slept pretty well after that and things felt better.
Had DH on board too.
It's hard. Eldest is off to uni next week but that was still the hardest time of my life.

Sounds tough- why?

Please ask for help, Start with your Doctor or if you have a mother’s group run by a nurse, message her straight away.

I’m at the other end of it now, it seems relentless at the time, and I wished I had asked for help from professionals.

Thinking of you and sending cyber hugs. X

I would sleep train (assuming baby is over 6 months). I think it's crueller for baby to have a mum who is constantly exhausted and struggling than it is for baby to have a few nights with some crying (it does not have to be hours on end - you can choose a gentle method) and a well rested mum.

Apparently my mum sleep trained us even before 6 months (which I don't recommend!) I had a secure, happy childhood with no hesitation about going to my parents in the night if I needed something.

It’s hellish OP - I detested having a baby with my first born. Got accidentally pregnant last year and wasn’t brave enough to have an abortion quote frankly, so currently in the thick of it with a baby again. Hate it this time around too.

Toddlers are fricking awesome though and the best fun ever!

It’s immensely fucking shit now, but it does get better

OP that sounds really tough

I would focus on sleep training

Everything will be easier if you and baby are getting some sleep

OP I promise you it gets better. The early years are very tough. It’s an endurance test. I hated it.
The first thing to do is sort out the sleeping. Try Gina Ford (yes some people hate it but she had mine sleeping through the night from 7-7 from 2 months.) Once you can get some sleep you can endure anything.

It’s relentless at the beginning but it does get better I promise you.

I was also a lone parent with a poorly baby who suffered seizures on top of being a poor sleeper, and was back in work.

Please be kind to yourself. I found getting back into my hobbies helped - make baby fit around you a bit.

What’s baby’s name ?