To think this was the worst mistake of my life

[Overthecamelhump]

Having a baby.

I fucking hate it. I have no life at all. Life is:

Wake at 6. Go to work.

Finish work. Collect baby from nursery.

Try to entertain baby for two hours.

Bath baby.

Get baby to bed after being head butted, having hair yanked, the skin on my neck yanked, kicked and punched.

45 mins to myself during which time I have to do some work.

Baby wakes. Settle baby.

2 hours sleep. Baby wakes. Spend two and a half to three hours getting baby back to bed.

Four hours sleep.

Baby wakes.

Try to get baby back to sleep.

Wake up for day at 6. Feel like a zombie. Repeat.

Poor baby. But yeah. Stupid thing to do.

I do feel you are resistant to many suggestions.

She didn't ask for any suggestions.

And both GP and HV are not available so I’m not sure what people think I should do.

Fair enough re the sleep consultant but I don’t feel it would help at this stage. And is costly.

Why are the HV and GP unavailable?
Haven’t you got a hospital trust you can call to get an available HV or GP

@Overthecamelhump

Im not resistant to sleep training at all, I just don’t think it will work and I doubt OH would go along with it.

Stick to your guns on this one if you don't feel it right for you.

Both me and DH are stubborn. We tried it several times. But DS just wasn't having any of it. For hours and hours. When people say oh they got it after a few days and just settled eventually when they tired.

Nope. DS inherited both our stubborness. His screaming was bloodcurdling.

DH tried it alone as i could not do it anymore. Even he could not cope with it, - especially with the sleep deprivation.

Its only as DS has got older and other people have seen how he doesn't tire and sleep in the say way as other kids that they've begun to realise that no we were just being soft and no we did try sleep training properly.

It.just.doesn't.work.for.everyone.

And there is nothing more soul destroying than everyone saying that you are just weak and haven't really tried properly when you are desperate and sleep deprived.

If you have a non sleeper it is just about surviving.

We are still having sleep issues at age 7, so I'm fairly convinced by this point that its him. Especially when my brother was so similar.

DS just doesn't want to miss anything and wants input and more input. He is a bright little lad and i do wonder if this is part of it.

Too many people just don't get children who don't sleep. And its interesting to see comments from parents who had one child who was great only to have a subsequent one who doesn't sleep and be totally thrown by the fact that everything they tried and worked previously, suddenly is useless and that actually there are children who just don't sleep and its got fuck all to do with parenting.

@Overthecamelhump

And Wonder weeks is codswallop for me (apparently should have been talking three months ago - how many 7 month olds talk?)

With you on this too. Its astrology for babies!

@Overthecamelhump

There is 0 way that both your health visitor and gp won’t see you and even if the madness of the world your refusing to seek help from other sources such as a hospital who have mental health teams and mother support team your saying your work won’t allow you to talk to a gp as your a teacher that’s complete madness and gps are open till 6 most nights you have came on her said openly you have thoughts of hurting your child because they won’t sleep

Yet you will not get help
anyone that’s supporting this behaviour on this page are out their damn minds

GET HELP BEFORE YOU HURT YOUR CHILD !!!

My doctor and HV were as useful as chocolate teapots. Just suggested 'why don't you do this or that' as if you hadn't already. In patronising and unsympathetic tones. That certainly made both DH and I feel worse and even more alone. Both gave us really dodgy advise at one point.

And right now its impossible to get any kind of appointment at our gp. You just can not get through at the one time you are allowed to call. I swear its going to cost lives. Hence why people are turning to 111 and going to A&E in desperation

Genuinely what i wanted more at that time was sympathy and understanding that some kids are like that and survival strategies rather than even more knocks about my parenting skills (or lack of them). I felt low because i didn't feel i was being believed or taken seriously as much as the sleeping was an issue.

Ah OP, I'm not going to give you any advice as it doesn't seem like that's what you're after and frankly I don't really have any anyway! My DS2 was exactly as you describe here, nothing helped him sleep. We paid for a consultant that didn't help either. He's 3 now and still a shit sleeper, better than waking up every hour or two and taking another hour or two to go back to sleep, but still shit. I'm constantly told by people that him being autistic is the reason for his lack of sleep. They forget that my DS1 is also autistic and he slept through from 9 months. Some kids really do just not sleep and it's nothing to with parenting or dummies or training or disabilities. It's relentless and hard and all any of us can do is push through it and have a good moan when we need to.

My son never slept through the night till Xmas after he started school, he didn't sleep for more than 1 hour till 10 minutes old then was 3 hourly till a toddler then 2/3 nightly wakings till 5 years old

I tried everything and I had a sleep HV come from NHS to help, nothing worked. It was utterly exhausting but I survived it. Unfortunately it took another year before I could sleep through the night after years of disturbed nightly wakings.

Sometimes the only thing that will help is time....unfortunately

Best thing I did was except it and just learn to cope. Constantly trying new things actually made it worse for me and I became obsessed with trying to get him to sleep.

It's a relentless slog but it does get better

10 months old not minutes *

I think you need to step away from this thread @Somethingwicked9 because I have not said I am going to hurt my child and nor will I.

I think I have been adequately ‘punished’ now for starting a thread when exhausted and miserable and low. Somehow I’ve carried on, smiled, cuddled my baby and kissed my baby and whispered reassuring words. Just because I feel something doesn’t mean I’ll act on it.

Let’s say I could see a GP or a HV. What will they do. Tell me.

Because there isn’t anything. I need sleep. I’m not getting it because my child keeps waking up. The whole point is they are having their needs met and being cared for. And I need to go to A and E for it. Fucking wonderful.

I think the GP could sign you off for two weeks and you could get some rest?

But apart from that I agree they won't help in anyway.

I know the cot refusal is so draining in the middle of the night. Which is why I gave in and carry DS to our bed when he wakes. He just falls asleep on me/the pillow immediately. But I'm not sure he would have done it at your babies age and I can't remember how it got to that point. It is just time I'm afraid and you try various things and suddenly one of them works.

And damage a lot of children’s education and ultimately lead to more disruption for me, so that’s absolute desperation, red alert, can’t cope. I’m not there yet. Yet.

I'm sure I'll get told I'm wrong for this!

But why @Overthecamelhump were you doing. the night shift last night? I thought you and your DP alternated? He was napping yesterday during the day and you weren't and again you're up last night.

How on earth is this right and fair?

And he doesn't want to sleep train? Maybe if he was actually doing his fair share he would be more amenable to the idea?

I remember those nights. late night car rides, baby in the swing until he fell asleep and I didn't dare move an inch as not to wake him.

He's my youngest and will be 32 in a couple weeks. He's a lot better now.

Sucks for you though.

I have a lovely, very independent adult son who calls me regularly, gives great advice, supports his siblings and is a really sound guy. Oh my god he did not sleep through the night until he was 3. I thought that he would spend his entire life crying about everything and many a night I felt as you did in your 1st post. I still remember it so clearly, that 1st year was so bad. Sometimes they just need time to grow into themselves and you have my sympathy. It's rough while it lasts

Have you tried a sleep consultant who will come to your house for 5 nights and do the sleep training for you? It’s bloody expensive but my goodness it’s worth triple what it costs if it works! I didn’t have the confidence to do sleep training myself but had two brilliant sleep trainers who got both my (terrible sleepers) sleeping. It’s not the end of the story - my second still sometimes wakes up - but it is a whole different ball game in terms of how much sleep we all get.

Otherwise, could you try putting a very low bed in baby’s room (with side bars) then you get baby to sleep while you’re in that bed with baby lying on it semi cuddled by you, then when baby is asleep you roll away and sleep elsewhere? May or may not be safe depending what else is in te room

It won't always be like this, Op. Previous posters are right, it absolutely does get better. But that is so difficult to see when you're in the thick of it. I spent so much of my son's early years just "getting by," which isn't great.

Let’s say I could see a GP or a HV. What will they do. Tell me

silence

How would you know if you haven’t tried

Because there isn’t anything. I need sleep. I’m not getting it because my child keeps waking up. The whole point is they are having their needs met and being cared for. And I need to go to A and E for it. Fucking wonderful

I didn’t say to go to A&E I said to go to your local NHS trust to get a HV or GP as you said yours wouldn’t see you. But obviously they can
And your child doesn’t keep waking up. It is the 6am alarm that contributes to your lack of sleep each day.
Why are you being a martyr to the situation.
You could get signed off for a couple of weeks. Your school children would be better off with a rested teacher than one who is so obviously sleep deprived.

@Overthecamelhump I've just direct messaged you

When you have a free day take baby to A&E and say he won't stop crying and I'd like baby to be checked out in case he's suffering with a condition we can not visually see.

I am so intrigued... What are these magic techniques these sleep consultants use?!

It’s a dressed up mix of Gina Ford and controlled crying.
It doesn’t magically resolve sleep issues after a few nights either. Mine took about five weeks and I was then told there must be something wrong with my baby as the ‘techniques’ didn’t work ie I refused to do prolonged controlled crying!

@Overthecamelhump you said you were having dark thoughts and spoke on strangling your child … so yes you did it’s fine I have emailed mumsnets and explained of my concern for your child since you don’t want any help

Hey OP, I’ve been exactly where you are now with the same thoughts and frustrations.

I don’t have a silver bullet but some things I did that worked -

Bedtime and nighttime feeds I used a heavier milk (I think it was a hungry baby formula). Basically make sure their tummy is full before they sleep!

Put a dummy in their mouth, one in each hand and scatter around the cot so they can always find one!

Controlled crying, in other words ignore them! Go and settle them without any stimulation. I did this when my son was a bit old enough to be sleeping through the night to break the habit and dependency on me!

Honestly it does get better.
I didn’t talk to anyone or have the kids sleep in our bed.

During the early years I maintained my job, marriage and sanity, my kids are teens now and life is good and they are absolutely fine! Good luck x

PS: MN is full of vitriol and judgment, everyone seems to be an expert on everything, don’t take it to heart!