I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

Glad you are still here, my dear

you nutter... glad your ok though

so you won't be on Look North now (disappointed)
Getting peoples hopes up huh

I do keep wondering if I over-reacted...but the stream looked less threatening than the cow.

You need to go back to the stream and make a bridge, so you're better prepared the next time. And maybe find a hollow in a nearby tree to stash some waders, rolled down ready in a fireman sort of way.

Glad you're OK .

I'm actually wondering about the feasibility of a campaign...to get farmers to facilitate escape routes. there are a couple of fields near me that are just no-go in teh summer - because the walls are topped with barbed wire - if it weren;t for that I'd go there as I'd know that if it came to it I could get over the wall. the thing is I know farmers are under extraordinary pressure and I don't want to add to it.

You need a chat with Slubber. I swear I saw a thread started by her enthusing about freshly washed bulls in the middle of the night.

Someone tell me I didn't dream it?

Stream it would have been for me as well, had I been in your situation.

I once saw Dh try to fly while being chased by a whole herd of cows (well, he was running very fast and flapping his arms a lot. Didn't manage to take off, but did an amazing dive over the gates type of thing. -had visions of me flashing him a 10.0 score card ).

I love the word purchase. Makes me smile when I see it used in that context

I got surrounded by cows of ill-intent once and I put into action the action plan that I had thought out on the spot.

The plan was: throwing loose change at the cows. It didn't work. Luckily the farmer showed up at just that moment to, as he put it, count the cows. "Don't mind me," he said, "I am just counting the cows." He didn't try to rescue me until I begged him. Then he said "Huar" to the cows and waved his hands and they all walked away.

This is totally true.

I once saw a man turn a herd of stampeding yaks by jumping up from where he was having a nice lie-down and a smoke, doing a star jump, and shouting 'Yaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr'.

Yaks took one look and swerved to where he wanted them.

That's my plan if pursued by cows of ill intent.

Do we file "plan if pursued by cows of ill intent" next to "zombie plans" ?

Or is there a whole new file to be opened here - subtitled

"Countryside distress plans"

Do let me know.

I was just thinking something like that.

We need a Mumsnet Cows Plan. And, to be on the safe side, a Mumsnet Zombie Cows Plan.

Glad you survivied to tell the tale hatwoman You are made of tougher stuff than me.

I have been known to turn tale and retreat the way I came when faced with a herd of cows....and that was on my bike. I could have out cycled them but it just seemed easier not to

PMSL Eleison

I did a one handed star jump. and made various noises. but it was a young thing and I don't think it had got to that page of the rule book yet.

am shuddering at the idea of zombie cows.

I grew up in the middle of farming country. Yelling at cows only works if they haven't seen you or you are scary farmer man.
I would walk miles out of my way to avoid a field of cows, especially if there are calves!

The recommended course of action is to stand your ground, don't turn round, make yourself big and make some sort of "huarrrrrr" noise.

It doesn't always work. I think I have shared my cow crisis story on here, and I don't want to hijack hatwoman's thread.

I have a cow plan even though I'm in London and there are no cows around. It involves me having a dog, too, and I don't have a dog. It might not be the best plan.

That having been said, I thought that cows don't like dogs (don't most people who get attacked do so because of the dogs?), so I would send the dog away to its death (I don't like dogs all that much which might be why this plan works) whilst I scarpered. Am impressed by your creek escape and dedication to your dog.

I am prepared to accept that I might be making up the whole cow/dog loathing thing up in my head.

I don't like sheep either but that's slightly different because they are truly evil.

This sounds exactly like the kind of thing that would happen to me. I live in the countryside but I'm utterly useless at it, am frightened of everything, and have no useful girls-scouting survival skills to speak of. At least you had your phone on you - I probably wouldn't have had mine knowing me. I would have been found dead four days later, petrified in dried mud/poo with hoof-prints on my face and two pining dogs at my feet.

Got my car stuck in a ditch last week as the result of a misguided country lane u-turn manoeuvre, and had to be towed out.

And I have had to walk home with one bare foot before now, when my shoe got sucked into a mud vortex.

Don't go into a field with cows in.

Can I suggest you take a length of Alkathene pipe with you next time. It really hurts to be whacked with a bit of this so I'd advise you not to hit anything very hard with it and to aim for a nice fleshy bit of the animal.

I've been meaning to buy myself a length of pipe since my dog got attacked by another local dog about 3 times the size and weight. I still haven't! [tut]

Please add my name to the MumsnetCowPlan.
We keep cattle and they scare me senseless - all doe-eyed and Vikki Pollard hair puffs but secretly they Up To No Good.

My dh makes me stand in a strategic place "So they won't go past you" and when they do go past me, I get the blame for 'not standing correctly'.