I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

clanger, I don't think your cow story would count as a hi-jack at all. am loving this thread and I'm sure your story would only enhance it.

am pmsl at fellatio's ill-judged u-turn and general rubbishness.you love it really, I can tell.

the weird thing is I grew up in teh country and used to laugh at people who were scared of cows. now I've returned as a grown up I've realised that they were right all along.

Sorry thought they were in fields rather than on a common. Makes life very difficult when waslking dogs, mothers and bullocks the worst. Like your escape plan though.

Oh dear, poor hatwoman!

Me too re. thinking fear of cows was daft when I was young. Possibly because kids and teenagers are less risk averse, possibly the arrogance of youth (anyone who was attacked must have been a townie who didn't know what they were doing), possibly because I've not lived in the countryside or helped out on a farm for years so don't encounter cows on a regular basis any more. I can now see my younger self was an idiot on this as on so many other fronts.

When I did used to hang round my friend's farm, once their herd of cows crushed a calf when they all rushed to get to the feed trough. So there is good reason to be wary! (Her Dad, normally a very unemotional Yorkshire farmer, went off on his own until his eyes were dry again that day, bless him.

PMSL at Swans - you are a rubbish farmer's wife. Bet you haven't even got ruddy cheeks and a headscarf.

PMSL at Swans - you are a rubbish farmer's wife. Bet you haven't even got ruddy cheeks and a headscarf.

If you think about it, cattle are about six foot tall at their highest point and they weigh hundreds of kilos plus are very protective of their offspring. Bulls, however are plainly mental and unpredictable.

Add to that when they go 'feisty' if they are attacked by clegs and midges or stung by wasps.

hatwoman - I'm glad you are ok

I have cheeks like a 'skelped arse' Fellatio and am a rubbish wife.

The headscarf is usually keeping the bailer held together....

I am laughing at leningooal's ''release the sheep'' - way more sinister than ''release the hounds'', no?

Hatwoman - were you wearing leather shoes...hmmm?

We got terrorised by an arsey horse in a field once. It is a huge meadow by the river with a footpath to a lovely pebbly beach and we have gone there for years to paddle and bbq and fish for minnows etc.

well one year, this horse who had hitherto paid us no notice, came and menaced us. He attacked the children's inflatable lobster (not a sight I'll forget in a hurry, I can tell you! ) stole sausages from the bbq , and came up alongside Dh and leaned on him. DH is scared of horses anyway, so it was left to me, faced with massive carthorsey feet versus my little flip-flopped ones, to try and shoo Dobbin away, all the time trying to reassure the children who were sobbing hysterically.
Well he turned round and did that horsey-teeth-baring thing at me!
He won, we packed up and left...

I wouldn't mess with horsey teeth either.

LOL at leaning - very intimidating behaviour

I am shocked about the sausages, dotterel - when you say stole do you mean ate???

yeah, snaffled them! Ate! chomped! (so, a bullying cannibalistic horse. Do I win?)

Come on clanger, tell us, it can't be a hijack this thread is about cows

It wasn't a cannibalistic horse unless they were horsemeat sausages so you haven't won yet.

Great story though. It made me laugh,even if at your misfortune.

pre children I have been pursued by a field of bullocks and escaped by

A running v fast then

B doing a one handed vault over the 5 bar gate

Obv I can't do this now because

A I can't run fast any more

and

B knackered wrist from too much MN typing ahem

I have just spat coke all over the baby asleep (well was asleep) next to me!

This is the funniest thread.

With me it's not cows, or horses, but geese.

Grandfather used to keep them, the hen house was in the same place, I used to get sent out to collect the eggs, I would only go if I took a broom, bloody geese used to chase me spitting, I would jump the fence into the hen enclosure then scream, ill my Dad came and saved me.

And the parents wondered why I hated going to the Farm!

Oh goodness Hatwoman, I do worry about cows, especially since getting the dog. So much so that when up with friend in Somerset (dairy farmer's daughter) the other weekend, I made her supervise my 'huaar' to check my technique is OK.

I passed in her back garden but am worried that I might squeak a bit in a real life situation and the idea of charging cows is too much to think about.

dh tells me that a 'cush cush' is sufficient...

Sorry, but I just tried it on the cat only to have it laugh ignore. No way would a herd of cattle behave if I cush cushed them.

We had a massive Norfolk Black turkey. Note the word 'had'. You needed an open golf umbrella just to go in and feed him.

maybe DH meant "cosh cosh"

Oooh, maybe you could give 'huaar' lessons Wynken, is it high pitched, low pitched, do you have to have accompanying flapping arms?

You need to educate us. Keep us safe from those mnetter hating cows

I imagine a "huaar" to need accompanying by a Hiemlich manoeuvre of some kind

Okay, someone wanted the cow story.

I teach at an agricultural college which has its own small "training herd" of cattle. I can see them from my window now.
They are normally docile, and are used to being handled, and normally tolerate my presence. Apart from one day three or so years ago, that is.
There had been a bit of disturbance with other animals being moved around, plus a thunderstorm iirc, so they were a bit antsy. The oldest one was being very belligerent with me, so I tried my making-myself-big and huarrr-ing, in an attempt to let the students watching me think I was in control.
As I tried moving them through a gate, the big one went nuts (no other way of describing it) and kicked me in the head. Luckily, cows are stupid and do not have good aim, and it was a glancing blow. I backed off and then ran.
Despite escaping from bovine violence, I managed to break one of my metatarsals (like Wayne Rooney) running away, fell over and still looked like a prize twat. And it hurt.

I think there's scope for a comparative study of yak farmers in Central Asia and dairy / beef farmers in the UK. Is the 'huaaaaaaarrrr' noise universal? Do people make themselves look big in the same way around the world? etc etc. Funding from the ESRC would almost certainly be available.

When I first met DH, many, many years ago, he had a photo of his best cow all scrubbed up on his pin board in his room

oh thank you mn - you've all made me laugh so much. I love your story clanger. if there's one thing worse than being kicked in the head by a cow it's being kicked in the head by a cow infront of a load of students. grendel - my first boyfriend got a cow for his birthday. everyone else was getting walkmans and Bon Jovi albums.