I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

dress up as a cow? Pull the udder one...

They want to see heifer we can run...

Oh dear. I feel obliged to add that you are all talking bullocks.

dc find the cows on the school run(seriously!theyre always on the way to be milked at school run time,so whole bloody school is waiting)hilarious.especially when they give each other 'piggy backs'

Spoke to my farmer today. he says let go of your dog and leg it!

They claim to be looking for Raoul Moat. But actually they are just taking the MN Cow Plan seriously.

I love that picture, Eleison

Raoul Moat has clearly been reading this thread and he is, in fact, dressed as the cow. I will now share the £10,000 reward with all the Cow Planners.

Lol! I think we may have to rethink the whole cow costume thing, I'm judging by that picture, I'm never going to get my legs in it, mine are far too fat!

WAHEY! I asked for this thread to go n classics, now it's been in the roundup, it will!

Reading this thread has made insomnia most pleasurable - I am wiping away tears of laughter.

Mind you - I do remember my dad telling me about following a Brummy chap who was towing a caravan (yes, with his car), and found himself held up by a herd of cattle on the open common land near where my parents live. Said Brummy chap was rather impatient, so honked his horn and forced his way through the herd, instead of following them slowly and waiting til they moved off the road.

Sadly there was a bull with the herd (not sure why they were out of the field - perhaps they were doing their Duke of Edinburgh Award, or sommat), and he got all annoyed at the Brummy chap bullying his ladies, so with a casual swipe of his horn, he made a huge gash in the side of the chap's caravan - like using a massive tin-opener!

He wasn't happy but Dad was quite amused!

Easy solutions to scare cows off;

~ Wear either white coat or green overalls (whatever vet wears in that area) and walk into field full of cows with the biggest needle and syringe you can find

Or

~ Dress up as Ronald McDonald and walk into above said field

The cows will be more scared of you and run in the opposite direction as they'll think either the vet's come to give them an injection or McDonald's have sent a rep to choose the next burger!

However, if you don't have the correct outfit in your handbag or the aforementioned dog, ferret, small child, pipe to hide in, machine gun etc etc then run downhill. Cows and bulls cannot run as fast downhill as they can uphill due to their bulk, the same as they can go upstairs but not down (or is that another old wives tale?).

This is getting silly now. After all the other things we have to pack, we now need to take a hill?!?!

A hill? I feel overladen if I've got fags and some chocolate in my pocket but that said, guess what will fall out when you are running... and AS IF you are going to go back to find them. The cows know this and that makes them more evil, imo.

We had a Kafka cow moment last week when the car got stuck in the field as the actual hillside collapsed due to rabbits digging. Dh said to "Wait here" and he went off to get the tractor. The cows were slavering at the window and scratching their rumps on the wing mirrors. It was like the bovine version of "Shaun and the Dead' but with more flies.

I had life flashes and everything.

So, I'm going to add a cow councellor to the list. The inflatable sofa will be required too.
And the W.I. with hot sweet tea for trauma.

And something hard to wallop your dh with, for leaving you with said Axis of Evil Bovines, Swans. It would be utterly justified - no jury in the land would convict!

They never rush, farmers but merely saunter and stop to check the progress of the crop or some other distraction whilst wife and children are doing Munch's "The Scream' faces, noiselessly at the window.

He took the best of an hour to reappear and by then I was a gibbering wreck after singing to keep up morale (Wheels on the bus and all of the Sound of Music) then I had to steer whilst he pulled out the car which was at a steep angle on a hill. I thought we were going to become statistics.

Farmer Swan thought that 'The cattle are looking good this year and we would have to do something about those rabbits'....

I'll hold him down for you Swans. How dare he do that to a Sister!

Bloody farmers! You are lucky he didn't decide the moment had come to cut the hay! You might still be there! You would have had to turn all 'Donner Party' and eaten the kids!

Do you think I will burn in the Eternal Fires of Damnation for letting it cross my mind to see if the 'children as decoys' part of the Cow Plan would have worked? Purely for the sake of research, of course...

Farmers as decoys don't work. Cows like them.

It depends how many children you have, if you only have 1 it's a bit silly, bit if you have a spare I don't suppose it really matters. You'd just need to decide which one to send out as a decoy! You'd be best served keeping the one that is most use about the farm!

Alternative evil cow escape plan:

1. obtain walking companion, preferably someone you don't like who knows nowt about cows
2. misinformation: tell them that the best way to make cows leave you alone is actually to do all the things you secretly know will piss them off
3. if/when the cows attack, make good your escape while they trample/gore said companion. You will be able to flee the scene and without the need to carry a dog/solicitor/large pipe/hill in your bag