I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

Beenbeta, where would be the fun in all that? Much better to go with the MN rules:

1. The well-practised huaar
2. Running like fuck
3. Portable large pipe for climbing in
4. Climb a tree
5. Pacify cow with hairdo complement.

We need to fine-up the order, but other than that we are pretty sorted.

Mustn't forget

1. Wading through quicksand-stream

Right, as another frequent cow encounterer, I've committed the MN rules to memory.

We should add

1. Throw dog over nearest fence, imo.

What would be the best technique? Over arm lob or rugby-style low pass?

THis thread has nearly made me PMSL.

I lived on a dairy farm when I was very young. The neighbouring farm had a really aggressive Red Angus bull that kept breaking through the fence to try and get at our cows. One day my parents had one of my aunts visiting, and were indoors chatting. My brother and I were in the front yard playing when the damned Bull from next door broke into the yard and started chasing us. Now I had some sense and ran hell for leather into the house. My brother on the other hand just ran round and round the yard with the bull chasing after him. I'd never seen my brother's chubby little legs move so fast. (needless to say I got my parents, although we did have a giggle at my brother going round and round and round)

We didn't keep geese thankfully - evil creatures.
Got chased by a sheep once in Derbyshire. The 'run like fuck' plan worked!

Glad Hatwoman has survived this experience. Cows are mean buggers.

I had to pick up both kids and run the entire length of the field (carrying 64 pounds of toddler) when I was surprised by cows and realised the smaller cows were calfs and there was only one way out and that was to turn round and go back. Bloody buggers surrounded us and the huaar thing, yes, works fine unless they are all round you and then you don't actually want them to run in any particular direction as they get confused and end up stampeding towards you .

DS also got knocked into a stream by a curious sheep. For an 18 month old (and me) it was quite traumatic. The sheep just ran up to see what he was and forgot to stop. Luckily he was unhurt and enjoyed lamb chops for tea.

And they know, I'm sure that you ate their cousin Bertie!

Have we mentioned goats yet? They are the real bastards.

just look

at goat support

ooooooh - DD2 was savaged by a goat in the petting zoo at Camelot when she was about 8 - we have pictures. She has never recovered.

I will send her the link, she will feel so much better

PMFSL at hurling the dog over the fence so the short sighted cows will go over too peer at it!
Cow 1- ' I say Daisy, what was that flying past? '
Cow 2 - 'i'm not sure Ermintrude, I think it might have been a dog but I don't have my glasses on. Shall we able over for a better look?'

I am literally crying with laughter!

I think we need to add 7. Tree assessment.

Thank goodness hatwoman's branch did not break as she was crossing the quicksand. This would have undermined her Cow Escape confidence. And forgive me hatwoman for crying with laughter at picturing that thought just as you were getting into your groove and everything.

Don't go near cows in Orkney as there are no trees there.

Olihan- I think the over-arm lob using the neighbour's fat pampered dog would be best.

My neighbour has a Newfoundland!!!!

With large breeds the Mumsnet Plan will call for training them to throw you over the fence.

I have nominated this thread for classics. What a scream! I was literally crying over throwing the dog and the hole in the wall!

Well, I will console myself with the thought that your dying wishes before you get trampled under the thundering hooves of a herd of cattle will be:

"Oooh, I wish I'd listened to that BeenBeta and thrown the dog over the fence".

Dont even get me started on carniverous pigs. .

Ohmy BeenBeta!
I was going to mention carniverous pigs earlier after having a Very Close Encounter with one a few years ago.
My son and I had gone for a walk and we wondered what the funny noise was coming from the other side of a long, large wall. I lifted my son up to get a good look and a massive slavering pig chose the same time to jump up and 'huaaar' at us. Cue Post Traumatic Shock and everything.

They really do have a million tiny, sharp yellow teeth and nasty breath.

Who has been training the pigs to 'Huaaar' at scary humans?

Animal Farm, I tells 'ee,.....four legs gooood, two legs baaaaaa-d.

The fat, pampered neighbour's dog, Fellatio.

They do it in secret because they are in on it with the cows.

Four legs REALLY BLOODY EVIL and all that.

I think my stairs plan still holds some merit. After all if a cow becomes un-enraged by studying a dog over a fence then I'm betting at least £5 if you mimed going up and down stairs, or even going down in a lift you would stop the cows in their tracks.

Having said all that I think you need a sofa or something to stand behind to pull off the going down stairs mime well.

There are inflatable camping sofas available but you'd have to factor in blowing up times vs cow charge velocity.

BeenBeta makes some good points. If cows approach you slowly, don't activate your Cow Plan just yet. It's a bit nerve-wracking when they decide to surround you, but if they're just mooching gently and staring, they aren't cross with you. They are just being nosey and stupid.
If a cow comes at you at speed, or erratically, that is when she means business.

Sheep try to do the same thing, but they are even thicker than cows, wimpy in comparison, and not at all dangerous. They can butt, and a normal-sized sheep will usually butt at bum/crotch height, which is embarrassing, but other than those with very large horns, they rarely injure anyone.

My parents have a photo of me age 2.5 toddling across a field full of outdoor sows with a bag of food in my hand shouting at the top of my toddler voice "Jeck, Jeck! Jeck!. Which (in case you need to know) is what you do when you want to attract a herd of hungry pigs.

My parents were stood behind the gate laughing and taking photos. The photo clearly shows the sows running towards me with their mouths open.

What was no 1 on the cow plan?

Is it throw the dog or run away? Does one huarr and lob-the-dog simultaneously?

was your dog on a lead?

cows with calves will protect calves from loose dogs?

OMG BeenBeta that is terrible. I was never allowed to pat the pigs at the Royal Veterinary College as they 'will have your fingers off'.