I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

PMSL Slubber

roffle slubber. So the whole jumping over the moon thing is a lie?

But if they can smash through walls surely nowhere is safe. Not even here where we are typing from.

I think it may have been the first time I ever heard my father say Fuck.

It's a giant lie if that cow is anything to go by Eleison.

Yes, but the "cow crashed through the dry stone wall" doesn't scan quite so neatly, does it?

I have no cow stories, but I am PMSL at this thread, fab fab stories

it was a breeze block wall notwaving, with cement and everything. Power houses those cows are. tbh I think we should put them to some useful work before we eat them. Surely all that momentum (mass x speed) could be put to good use. How to make a cow carbon neutral etc.

loling @ nowhere is safe
[stealth cow paranoia]

I can't help feeling now that maybe Shawn the Sheep was in fact a hard-hitting documentary rather than a lighthearted animation.

Love the story Slubber! PMSL! Not so sure about the non jumping cow part of the escape plan though! Just after I arrived at the farm, something spooked the cows. Cue the younger more agile half of the herd clearing four strands of barbed wire, the top strand is about 4'6 high! Was like the grand national for cows! The older half of the herd went straight through the wire! Was really scary!

Woah. They are spritely cows you have there saggy.

OK so erase 'cows can't jump' from the cow plan.

Agile and really scary! Like your story better than mine though!

Slubber - that made me laugh a lot, it is like a scene from James Herriot!

I told dh and he said if you get a really wild herd, they can jump quite high and they scramble over one another to escape. So we can add Cows Do Jump to the escape plan.

Would it be a good idea to carry a very large metal pipe on one's person at all times, & hide inside it When Cows Attack?

Maybe they can't climb stairs? Like ye olde grey darleks.

I'm pretty sure they can't climb trees! Maybe we should add that to the plan?! If in doubt, abandon the dog and shin up the nearest tree!

No luck, Slubber.

"eleison* we have a flock of black sheep near us that do that - but they don't eat grass when you turn round to see if they're following you. they just stand there stock still and stare at you. I think they're playing grandmother's footsteps.

And they can kick sideways.

[[http://www.edp24.co.uk/content/edp24/norfolk-life/norfolk-history/content/05CowTower. aspx Cow Tower with lots of steps...]

tries again

Love this thread.

There are cows in the field next to us - now I love cows - you know when they're at a distance.

We say hello and goodbye to them evertime we pass them.

But there's one - and he's the damian of the herd. He's black with white rings round his eyes - he scares me.

He's always the last one stood there staring at me as I cheerfully say 'bye cows' - he can smell my fear.

DD and I have a cow escape plan. If the cows appear, run like fuck!

No one has mentioned cow hair styles

I like this thread. It has made me smile for the first time today.

hatwoman - glad you are OK. That actually sounds very scary. In reality the cow (maybe it was actually a bullock) probably meant no harm.

The rules are as follows.

Dont go in fields with bulls or cows with calves as they are extremely dangerous. My Dad was nearly killed by a cow with a calf a few year ago. He is/was a farmer.

Never go in a field with a dog where there are cattle. Cattle will chase a dog. If you get caught with a dog by cattle throw the dog over the fence and the cattle will stop and look at the dog over the fence. The cattle will easily outrun you and the dog and may trample you otherwise.

Otherwise just try to stay calm. Cows and all other cattle are inquisitve and cant see very well so will come close up to you to sniff, lick and look at you. They are big and frightening but will go away (reluctantly) if you wave your arms and shout. Make yourself look big and noisy so they dont accidentally run into you.

Swans That's not hair - that's a toupee. He may think he's blended it well to his natural colour, but I can still tell.