I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

I'm assuming if you don't have a dog you don't need to take a stuffed cuddly version with you to throw over the hedge.

We need a flow chart in the plan.

1 Do you have a dog with you?
If yes go to 1A
If no go to Q2

1A Throw dog over fence

By SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 14:30:54
The fat, pampered neighbour's dog, Fellatio.

For an awful moment there I thought your neighbour's dog was called Fellatio

My dog is the size of a water buffalo. I couldn't throw her over a matchbox without the help of a crane.

I keep her away from cows, because she's daft and they are frightened of her.

Jeck Jeck, Hoop Hoop and Huaarrr?

How the hell decides all this vocabulary? Is it a recognised language, like Esperanto? Do they teach you this at agricultrual college?

Beenbeta, if I don't have a dog, would throwing my child be equally effective? Or what about someone elses dog? I quite often take my ferret for a walk, I think I could probably throw that a fair way in a crisis!

Not formally taught at ag. college, Fellatio, but definitely encouraged. We don't have pigs at ours, so "jeck jeck" is not on the curriculum, but huarr-ing and going hoophoophoophoophoop at sheep definitely is.

Strictly speaking (though it is a boring restriction of The Plan) I suppose we only need to throw a dog if we actually happen to have one? Cows being the dog-botherers they are, the dog-free should be safe enough without a missile.

It is the rural version of the whole 'Dogs must be carried on the escalators' thing that urbanistas face on the Tube.

Saggyold - child throwing (over fence) definitely a good plan an dtell it to start shouting and waving. If its a ferret, I'd tell it to go underground and start running myself.

Do you think cows have regional moos?

Do we shout 'huarr' and it sounds like 'ooh-arr' or what? Would a Highland cow understand me but, for example, a Hereford might make me repeat the 'huarr'?

Slubber- we may need to work on the sofa plan but the Marcel Marceauxing of steps is good.

at the toddler BeenBeta in the wild pig compound and photo of slavering pigs.

And for those of us without dogs, how about lobbing a guinea pig?

Ours are the size of a small dog with it's fur brushed backwards. They could neatly be carried in a handbag.

Luckily I can't see myself having this problem, because cows have a restraining order against me. Because of where I work, I have to stay 10m away from cows and other livestock at all times.

So if cows of ill intent should try to thwart my good intentions to stay the bloody hell away from them and remain the legally binding distance away, I would tell them sweetly, "So you want foot-and-mouth then do you, Daisy? Come on then big girl, pucker up!"

I live on a farm and for me the Cow Plan comes down to one thing: can you do that jump where you put one hand on a fence post and then throw rest of body over, clearing barbed wire by several inches and landing on feet? Or even just clearing the barbed wire.

I can't. I've been bullied to try it many, many times but much prefer the "hold the wire down and awkwardly step over while ripping hole in jeans" method. It means I get new jeans.

All I can do is hope that, under horned duress, I'll do a slow-mo sequence of lone-arm-wingery and land like a young gymnast. Maybe even making a Y-shape. While giving Vs to the cows.

Okay, so before embarking on a walk,
1, check for cows.
2, check region for accent
3, research which words, 'huarr/jeck/Cush said cows respond to.
4, pack bag with inflatable sofa, huge metal pipe for hiding, rubber dinghy for escaping over water and guinea pig/ ferret/ small child / dog for throwing.
5, scope out field for available trees for shinning up, and fences for tossing over.
6, train dog/ child/ guinea pig to fly , ferrets to burrow and children to wave arms therefore distracting cows singly can escape.
7, in event of actual stampede, run like fuck!

Have I missed anything? ....

Amendment to part 4, don't forget waders, alkathene pipe and a big stick!

I think we need flippers and goggles too.

The flippers are handy for extra propulsion when doing the 'jump over barbed wire fence with one hand' and also for streams.

The goggles are purely for cow scaring.

Oh, and a megaphone for those of us who are quietly spoken.

do you think they would recognise a lasso twirled in a meaningful manner? (cowboy hat optional)

Crikey, you can see why farmers drive tractors and 4x4s can't you! It's for all the cow scaring equipment they need to carry!

saggyold - you need to add:

1a. Then check for breed and if its an [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayrshire_cattle Ayrshire cow/bull retreat immediately as they are psychotic.

You need a decoy, someone younger, fitter, more agile and ultimately (if necessary) expendable to cross the field first and draw the attention of the cows so you can cross in relative safety.

Someone like an earnest 15 year old work experience girl

[supresses bitter memories]

Later you can get her to stand guard over your equipment in a field full of terrifyingly still, staring cows, armed only with a wooden metre rule and the instructions to 'run like bloody fuck if any of these buggers move'.

While you have a cup of tea in the safety of your car.

For an hour.

[supresses more bitter memories]

Ayrshire cow/bull.

Why is it that you can deftly jump a fence one handed when no one is around to see it but when there are others around watching, you catch your foot on the top wire and drop like a stone into the nettles?

Right, we now have lots of equipment, decoy pets and children and have sniffed the air for regional dialect. We are twirling lassoos.
What about some music? This is supposed to soothe cattle but I'm thinking more Apocalypse Now Wagner type scary stuff.

Helicopters are hard to get so how about a Sholley with a built in CD for all our equipment and scare value?

Oh Good God. Those Ayrshires can weigh up to 1300 lbs and are "spirited".

The neighbouring farmer kept an insane Limosin bull and there was only a thin wire fence between it's field and us. It was an evil massive brute of a bull that went sideways at you (it thought it was crushing you).

Dingalong, am I sensing some well hidden bitterness in your post?
Swanseatquince, a sholley? We are going to need a truck!
As to music, what about the chariots of fire theme by vangelis, to inspire us when we run like fuck?!

Yes, Saggy, but you have to run in exaggerated slow motion to 'Chariots of Fire' by Vangelis and have a floppy hair do so I'll need to rethink mood music.

Saggy- just a little bit . I was a particularly gullible and earnest teenager and it took FOUR fields (and running away from four herds) before I realised why he sent me ahead to 'find the stile' on the other side.