I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

[hatwoman]

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

Ok then, what about the funny Benny Hill music where their legs go nineteen to the dozen. Or the flight of the bumblebee?

PMSL at this thread, especially

"Pacify cow with hairdo complement" - great distraction technique

could you also distract them with flattering comments about the superior tastiness of their butter, them being the best particluar cows in the world (watch their heads swell, then RUN)

just remember NOT to apply same logic to telling bulls what great beef they produce....

sheep are easy, EVERYONE knows you just gotta shout MINT SAUCE

and another idea,just whip out an extra long rubber glove and say,in your best James Herriot voice - "come here daisy, this won't hurt (much)" - watch them turn and leg it!

Now that could just work!

Or discuss their eyelashes. Compare the length of cows eyelashes with a camels. Set them an essay to do, and leave. ( Camels eyelashes are longer).

Have we thought about pretending to be one?

Cow costumes are available from most pantomime outfitters although you may need to take a friend to become the rear end. I suggest Linford Christie or Dame Kelly Holmes.

We could use the new Maybelline mascara as it promises to give you longer eyelashes than a cow or a camel....

This plan has an element of danger if rumbled

The Benny Hill music is perfect as we would all have to run zig-zag. You could canoodle on the sofa with the milkman whilst waiting for the cows to catch up.

I think that this bullfighter's style is influended by the MN Cow Plan.

He was ARRESTED for running away, so Cow Plan ought to involve bringing your lawyer on walks with you.

Well you could make your lawyer be the other half of the cow!!!
The costume thing wouldn't work though, I've been told I look like the back of a cow several times, and they still follow me in fields!

What a marvellous one handed leap over the gate.

I am astonished that he went back in...

We could take lessons from the bullfighter's Cow Plan but throw the lawyer in first

AHA! Forget the dog/ferret/guineapig, you can just throw the lawyer over the fence! Swanseatquince, you are a genius!

I think Agricultural lawyers would make the best decoys and it is only apt ...

These cow plans and compliment/distraction dog/child throwing techniques are becoming increasingly complicated, not to mention impractical (thinking of carrying the hiding tube specifically now). I have a new proposition for you all. Machine gun. Small and light, (ish) and highly effective effective when used on several cows at once. And no need to learn a specialist language. They will understand the machine gun well enough. Then you can sling one over your shoulder and take it home for dinner.

there is a slight hitch with your latest plan FN.

You would need to be extra careful you did not, in your haste, gun down a MNer and her lawyer cunningly disguised as a pantomine cow, who had previously been mobbed by the same unruly herd and were in hiding till a safe escape could be made

Hmmmm, how do we get round that one??

perhaps like the cops do in the films you should shout a warning -"if one of you is human come out with your hands up" and hope the cows don't try to pretend they are all MNers!

This is beginning to sound like something from 'allo 'allo!!

Yes, we'd definitely need to devise some kind of a special code, or a secret masonic handshake or suchlike. (Being that it's so hard to tell a pantomime cow from the real thing. Then you could bullet-spray the fuck out of them.

but then we'd be responsible for a traumatised motherless baby scenario - like in Bambi.

Ok, no good. Back to the hiding tube and dog-hurling....

I have thought of your latest plan often FN....

How about ditching all the equipment and throwing cowpats in their eyes. They will then stumble into each other and we can make a good escape.

I still rather like my 'run like fuck' option! It's simple and lightweight!

swanseatquince pretending to be one is a very bad idea. They'll all get curious about the newcomer. And you don't want a bull thinking you're a cow and getting curious about you Eek.

You can talk to a cow about all sorts of stuff once you get to know them. They are good listeners. A farmer I knew used to put Terry Wogan on for them while they got milked. They liked listening to him and gave more milk.

Never get them into conversation about milk yields though. Competitive lactation discussions never end well.

That makes sense. You milk early in the morning as well, don't you - so FArming Today on Radio4 would be nice for them. I like to leave R4 on for my dogs when I go out. It soothes them.

I can huarr.I didn't know it was such an in demand talent.When we used to call our cows in for milking,we'd stand at the open door of the mlking parlour and bellow 'cooome oooonnn!' and they'd all come.Huarr did send them away again.

A friend of my dads used to have some Hindu chaps come out from Leicester for cow related religious reasons.One of them had his relations visiting and asked if he could show them our milking parlour,which my dad happily agreed too.The relations were very impressed with how modern it was [actually it was circa 1950],but when they stepped inside,there was an unfortunate incident.The visitors were wearing white outfits and the cows,seeing white coats,thought it was the vet,panicked,and did what cows do when they are frightened-they shat copiously everywhere.The visitors left happy with their visit,but much besplattered.

Maybe a white coat should form part of the cow plan?

That's not impressive 101 I stand at my open front door every day and bellow 'cooome ooonnn!' at my children, for school. S'not a talent, it's just me nagging, apparently.

If you have had a near miss with a cow/cows/bullocks whilst on a path, do report it to your local Council (Rights of Way or Countryside Service). There is genuine interest in the access profession about how many incidents go unreported.
Cows with calves are well known for being extremely protective of their offspring and there have been several incidents of serious accidents - although statistically the HSE say that numbers are not changing.
Bullocks can also be frisky and inquisitive - but I'd hesitate to enter a field of them!
I find a stick is useful to walk with - it gives you a tool to create space with, defend yourself a bit if needed too.
You may know this already, but if you're walking with dogs on leads and the cows attack, do let go of the lead - cows will usually follow the dog and chances are your dog will outrun them and come back to you when you've got to safety.
Sorry to be all serious!

Thankfully we are so far off the road that our cattle tend to escape to the 'forbidden' parts of the farm eg my garden or the hay fields.

The neighbouring farmer who has horizontal fences and an attitude problem, tends to wait for passing motorists and the like to usher his cattle off the road. I dislike him more than our evil cows.

Jaynie- Maybe it is just our area but we have found the Scottish equivalent of those services pretty apathetic and reluctant to come out so you tend to try and resolve the escapees yourself. There are always sheep out on the roads but they are fairly quiet roads.

Anyway, Jaynie is going with the 'lob the dog' option...

I was filling my pony's water buckets today, and as I bent over, one of the half grown orphan calves in the field with them headbutted me up the bum! Didnt arf make oi jump! I thought of our survival plan, but as the calves are actually quite cute and don't have an agressive mother in tow, I just scratched his head. There are loads of really scary looking cows and bullocks in the field next door, and the bull is in there at the moment. He keeps eyeing me up hungrily! If they attack I intend to climb up onto the top of my water tank and cry!