The wholesome village Facebook page 🙄

[AngelicaElizaAndPeggy]

What's kicking off on yours this evening? A police car has just been spotted by someone who has eagerly reported it on our page- everyone is now going nuts in the comments but secretly I know for a fact they're all really nosey and want to know if the kids have set fire to the bus stop again.

Last week the same kids were all named and shamed in some CCTV footage from someone's doorbell cam and it all became hugely messy.

A mum has also been selling Christmas glasses that look like they're full of gin but are actually candles. You can have your name written on for an extra fiver.

@Kernowgal
The chinooks have been relentless recently and there were apaches north of Stockbridge this afternoon.
that made me do a double take - I had visions of chinook helicopters chasing "Indians" North of Stockbridge.
We live in a small town but we have a very active Facebook
there are prolonged & sweary arguments about the rights & wrongs of free school meals, can someone give advice on a good workman (fill in type) for the hundredth time, alternative trick or treating, lost animals, someone damaging cars, bad car parking, look at new town plans (that we don't want), complaints or compliments about doctors re appointments, ditto about vaccines, walkers trespassing in woods, etc

Ours is currently debating who will and who won't put sweets out for kids on Halloween.

Post office closure - outrage
Road closure - outrage except from cyclists
Moaning about cyclists - heavily moderated by cyclist admin
Anyone got any spare kefir grains?
Someone appears to be building a random swing and bench in the woods
Loads of random free stuff

That’s just today

A post came up earlier on the village page for where I used to live. Someone had been broken in to and they were looking to see if anyone heard anything. One guy responded saying he’d been broken in to three times before and if the OP needed any advice on security, to let him know. Not sure I’d be taking him up on that!

@Justgivemewine maybe we are! Although chickens and apples featured twice on this post, maybe it’s just the season!

CCTV of some wrong 'un - I think at the moment they may actually be up to no good, but usually they are just walking down the street or something. The local shops and parking tickets (admittedly that is an absolute farce). It all seems quite calm at the moment. Oh and youths at said local shops - tbf there is a lot of trouble there at the moment, but someone has pointed out that kids have hung out there since year dot.

@acerred we had complaints about the new white street lights being too light and wishing they could go back to orange ones.

Whereas others are housebound - terrified by dark streets and threat of meeting a foreigner in the dark ( certain to be talking loudly in foreign accent before committing the only mugging in the village since records began)

Our tonight features ...

It must be half term because the kids are cycling with no hands !

People complaining about those who drive too fast through the village and wanting to campaign for a speed camera . I may have upset some by suggesting that the actual residents might also want to slow down as well , having been tailgated out of the village too many times by people leaving it to the last minute to get to the train station in the morning . They’ll learn (they’re new) when they end up in the ditches by the side of the road because they’re too damn stupid to realise the road is sheet ice every winter .

Someone posting pictures of their shire horses out for a drive , someone else posting sunsets ( we have a few keen photographers ) oh and a suspicious transit van . It was Amazon.

Fireworks
Lost cats
Over supply of garden produce free to pick up

All very nice really.

Love it- this will all be warming the cockles of mark zuckerbergs heart.

Back at ours, a man has been knocking on doors about boiler upgrades. It's all kicking off now- by the sounds of it, he's definitely terrible and about to rob everyone's homes.

Chalk cock and balls on path to local primary.

Heroic residents cleansing streets of chalk and obscenities before village children lose their innocence

@Lockheart

It's almost poppy froth season as well. Halloween, Bonfire Night, and poppies too. It'll be a madhouse.

Oh yes, everyone round here is having their registration plates changed to ones with poppies on.

Presumably they're not legal and next week there'll be uproar when everyone gets fined.

‘Foreign’ children on our park.

(Very jealous of PP’s sparrowhawk )

Someone's neighbour had a bonfire on a SUNDAY which meant they to rewash their laundry that was on the washing line.

[quote Geldhorn]@acerred we had complaints about the new white street lights being too light and wishing they could go back to orange ones.

Whereas others are housebound - terrified by dark streets and threat of meeting a foreigner in the dark ( certain to be talking loudly in foreign accent before committing the only mugging in the village since records began)[/quote]
They are very bright, luckily they are not near houses. They are better when you want to look at the sky, the trouble is they have to be fitted by people who know what they are doing and the height and positioning has to be just right because they are directional and not ambient. If it's wrong you get patches of intense bright light (one is too close to my brother's house and it shines light down the side of the house and onto the landing outside the bedrooms so his DC's are kept awake by it) and darkness.

They are much more environmentally friendly though.

Someone's pumpkin has been stolen! Reactions have been laughing face, shocked face and crying face

A neighbour has two pet ducks. They let them out to roam the newbuild estate. They leave tall piles of duck shit in our shared lobby which I narrowly avoid getting in my wheelchair wheels. Every morning now I'm woken to the sound of quacking outside my bedroom window, and various residents shooing them out of the main roads. They've nearly been hit several times and nearly caused traffic accidents. As well as them eating at everyone's bushes.

So. There are constant posts about said ducks. Repeatedly the owners have been informed that they're in the road at such and such place, or they've nearly left the estate, or they're on someone's property and they seem tame does someone own them, and so on. Lots of subtle hints from people to the owners to actually keep them in their ok-sized garden. No, the owners are quite happy letting them out on their own.

They're an utter pain in the are. It's just not the area to do that. We have a lot of petty thieves and shite drivers and general idiots round here. Lovely to see them, they're amazing. Or they were. At first. Now they're looking like 2020's answer to thanksgiving round ours...

Oh, and there's the usual 'anyone know what colour our bricks are' posts.

Someone posted how it was disgraceful that people were so harsh on the comments - then people screenshot some of his comments that he has made on other people's and he got his arse handed to him on a plate.
Fireworks
How it's 'illegal' to trick or treat
Masks are taking away human rights

@longcoffee - we've moved away now, not too far though, just over the border in Kent. No albino squirrels here sadly, but our local park does have two large terrapins living in the lake!

I'm on 2 because of where I used to live and where I live now.

Group 1 has lost and found cats. Information about local Christmas toy appeals. An update on the cat that takes residence in home bargains most days and a request for bus information.

Group 2 has a mobile coffee delivering van which has just launched (I'll admit I'm intrigued). A different list about local Christmas toy appeals. The pinned post about covid regulations and a video of how fireworks affect dogs.

Apart from the covid regulations it's all pretty normal round here.

@Hardbackwriter I don't know why (possibly wine this eve) but I love this little snapshot into your family

Our local Tory MP is getting slated for voting against extending children’s free lunches. Normally a safe seat but she’s really upset the apple cart and completely misread the local people. She hasn’t been in her seat long. We had a murder in the village a few weeks ago, that was really big news and they’ve charged a local man.

@WoooooGhoulsDoAFlit I used to live in a West Sussex town beginning with EG and I don't remember an albino squirrel!!!

Some woman paid a bloke £300 to do some work on the house. He didn't finish the work but fucked he instead. He then asked for £200 because he was short of money and she gave it to him. She then found out he had knocked her up and he ran off and refused to speak to her. She then posted on one of the towns FB group with screenshots as he was a 'snek' and apparently his handywork was shit too ( I don't think this was a euphemism) ....

Feeling very grateful that I live in the big ugly city and not in a village

Most of the above.

Rubbish bags dumped on graves

Someone set up a game for kids in the woods. Empty tin cans hanging in a tree, see how many acorns they can land in them in a minute.

Someone lost a black shoe from outside their back door.

Local council building rabbit hutch flats, what does everyone think.

Skip collection at 6am, isn't an outrage etc