Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

[BykerBykerOoh]

My six year old dd once told me she wanted to go to college. Then she quickly said no sorry, not college, I meant coffee shop.

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

Last week, it was about time for the kids to come home from school when the doorbell rang. I unlocked the front door, flung the door open and shouted 'BOO!!!'. The poor Amazon delivery guy jumped a foot high and stared at me in shock. I apologised profusely, but he practically ran back to his van and shot off 😂😂😂.

[Soubriquet]

Woof



Oh god that is so something I would do

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

@Soubriquet - at least it was better than the time when, just out of the shower, I couldn't find my dressing gown belt so was holding it closed with one hand while answering the door to the Amazon guy. Needed two hands to take the parcel and without thinking let go of my dressing gown. He got quite an eyeful lol.

[Constantlurker]

I was once on a very serious and important conference call. I was trying to say 'let's kick off' or 'lets crack on' but instead for some reason I said 'I'm gonna crack one off'. Cue very very very long awkward silence. I DIED. I had to go on mute for a good portion of the call as I was crying with laughter/shame. It makes my neck go all hot thinking about it and it was about 10 years ago.

[Soubriquet]

In that case Woof I think your Photo will be on display at their depo

[Alpacathebag]

On a similar note to Woof, I had a parcel delivered by amazon. The delivery man was the tallest person I have ever seen in my life. I intended to say “thank you” as he handed me the parcel but I just shouted “tall man!” Before slamming the door. My husband watched him walk back to his van from the upstairs window and said he looked very perplexed.

[tillytoodles1]

My mum was going away to visit family and asked the travel agent about shites to ficago. She was going to Chicago, The girl just looked at her and said "sorry, what did you say"?

[GeneralClassification]

LOVE ‘tall man!’ and Woof’s stories 😂😂😂

[IlluminatiParty]

Instead of saying my friend has a German mother I said she had Spanish dog. Nope. No idea.

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

@Alpacathebag - 😂😂😂😂😂

That's just made my day.

[RockinHippy]

The second language one reminds me of another...

I was in France, friend had badly cut finger, so I popped into a pharmacy to buy something to clean & wrap it up. I speak a bit if french, but didn't have the words for bandage, Elastoplast etc, so I explained that my friends finger was bleeding badly & could they help. The horrified look on the assistants face told me I'd said something wrong, so I had to mime the rest to get what I needed

I later realised I'd told the poor woman that my friends finger was having a bad period

[AudacityOfHope]

Just had to leave the office as I'm laughing so hard. Tall man and cracking one off! 🤣🤣🤣

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

My Mum was on the phone to car insurance co a few weeks ago and when spelling something out, said Y for Wanky

I was sitting next to her like and

[BigusBumus]

In my very small village Post Office i announced that I loved their Malted Cunt whilst putting the bread on the counter to pay. It was in fact Malted Crunch. I've not lived that down and in fact it was mentioned again only this morning when i bought bread again.

[GeneralClassification]

Shites to ficago is brilliant!

[Kam610]

Omg these are bloody brilliant. I have tears streaming down my face 😂😂😂

[gendercriticalgreta]

I wrote a first inquiry email to a professor in another university about a paper he'd written and signed it 'lots of love'.

[Starheart]

Years ago I was hungover and needed to get some cash from the machine to get some breakfast. There was a long queue which didn't help my sore head . I finally got to the front and pressed for some cash. When the cash popped out I said thank you loudly to the machine on autopilot . People behind me clearly heard and everyone stared at me walking past .

[OpenMindedSceptic]

I have recently asked for ‘chocolate c**t cookie at my local coffee shop. Instead of chocolate chunk .

The young bloke behind the counter could not stop laughing.

[Blahblahlalalalala]

I once asked in b and q if they have durex paint brushes to go with the paint my lord that was embarrassing

[Bluntness100]

The first time I asked for phish food at the Ben and Jerry's counter at the cinema I asked for pish food. Pish in Scotland is piss. I was just thinking how phish looked like pish, 😂

I also signed my debit card at a petrol station with my maiden name. The man said it was the wrong name, when I said oh shit, that's my maiden name, he said, oh just married are you. I had to respond with well no, it's been ten years now...🤭

[BeyondMyWits]

Once got a lift home from my boss, was on autopilot, turned and kissed her on the lips and said "see you later darling", then didn't realise til I had shut the door and she drove off - made for an excruciating time til I saw her next day... she just raised an eyebrow and chuckled...

[yarenbaren]

I'm always on the verge of saying blow job instead of blow dry!

[Mitebiteatnite]

I do this quite a lot when I've had a big dose of steroids for asthma. They seem to really mess with my head, sometimes I can't stop talking and others I can't find the actual words I'm looking for and just sit open mouthed waiting for them to come to me. Usually, I just say things a bit muddled up.

I think the most ridiculous was when I was in Costa and asked for a hot chocolate, but not too hot. The guy said 'so just warm then?' and I replied 'yes, so I can drink it with my mouth'
There were a lot of staff and customers who heard, and I caught them all eyeing me like I was cuckoo, so I decided to go with it and adopted an away with the fairies expression, all glazed eyes and fixed smile.