Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

[crustycrab]

Love this thread. My DS has just asked why I'm "snorking"

[Nonononon]

I remember telling my new driving instructor that I had previously had lessons with "BDSM" instead of BSM (British school of motoring) 😬

We did laugh though.

[twoheaped]

I broke down, The AA were called.
It was decided that I would be towed home on a fixed pole behind his van.
He connected me up and told me how to drive the car behind him.
Him: Any questions?
Me: Are we going to jerk off?.... You know like when you are towed by rope.

He just looked at me, said nothing and went to his van.
I was 😂😂😂 all the way home.

[Monkeyseesmonkeydoes]

In a shop with my sister, we both muck about a lot. Saw her perusing some cards so I ninja-ed up behind her and grabbed her arse doing my best creepy 'allo darlin' voice... it wasn't her... Sister was standing out the front of the shop cacking herself watching what had happened. I had to apologise and explain to a 19 year old girl why a 40 year old woman might be grabbing her own sister's bum in public...

[UnderperformingSeal]

I forget the exact context now but my mother once remarked of my GF that "he'll be up to his neck in eyeballs". She had no idea what she'd said until she noticed me pissing myself laughing and made me explain why.

[tmh88]

We were once looking round some new build houses and DP said to the woman showing us around “how does the postage work here then is it in with price of the deal?” She seemed as confused as me and said “yes I imagine so” when we left I asked him why he was so tight about postage costs after bickering about it being expensive and me saying it isn’t all the way home it transpires he meant stamp duty! we could not talk for crying with laughter!

[GoBackToPartyCity]

Our local massive car dealership has a little soft play area in the office. I took DS there while DH had a wander round the forecourt.

There was a slightly older boy in there who was throwing himself around the ball pool near to DS, DS is a big lad so I’m not too fussed about other kids being a bit rowdy around him.

The other mum asked her son to be careful around mine. I turned to her, and instead of saying “don’t worry, he’s built like a brick” I said to her “don’t worry, he’s a prick”.

I didn’t even try and correct myself. I just stood there with a stupid smile on my face while she looked horrified .

[peardrops1]

I cried with laughter over 'TALL MAN!' back in July and now I'm crying all over again

[DrFoxtrot]

I haven't seen this thread before!

I once put a patient's name on a drug chart after a 19 hour shift as 'Diamorphine Williams' .

[tillytoodles1]

When a girl I worked with brought in her wedding phots, she said she loved the full frontal of her and her H. She meant full-length.

[MidnightMystery]

At a job a few years back one of the girls would go to get the lunch in so we all passed a piece of paper round to write what we wanted on it and I had written cock instead of coke

[JohnCRaven]

I was buying something off FB Marketplace from someone who was out so posted the fiver through the door and grabbed the item from their porch. Except I posted a receipt with my name and address on instead 🙈

Woman messaged to ask if I'd picked it up and where the money was. 'I posted it through your door'. Nope. Just a receipt with your name and address on.

I'd be a crap thief!

Had to go all the way back the next day when it absolutely wasn't on my way anywhere that day!!

[ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong]

I went to boots and asked if I could book in for the flu ejaculation, instead of injection! Why I didn't just say jab I don't know. I hurried out of there so fast 🤣😭

[ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong]

Another one, my mum is the worst texter, she never proof reads, so once, instead of sending 'thanks hun' to her friend it autocorrected to 'thanks human' I always laugh at that 🤣🤣

[GaaaaarlicBread]

I was once at Birds getting some cobs and fancied an Iced Bun
I leant over the counter and asked the young man for a....Nice Bum

[Jojobythesea]

My DH and I walked the ddog and sat outside the local pub. I went in to get drinks and asked the young lad being the bar for a '69 deep'. The name of the beer is 61 deep and apparently I'm the first person that's ever muddled it up

[MsChatterbox]

My teacher on leavers day "I wish you a lot of a sex" she meant success 😂

[MotherofPoodles]

During my first job I was being introduced to an important client in front of a group of people. I was so nervous that when he introduced himself and shook my hand I just hissed at him. Deafening silence.

[MinnieJackson]

@MotherofPoodles 😂

Not me but my ddad once got out of the car and did a quite slappy' fart...a man was walking by and thought my dad had said hello! he said Hello and walked off leaving mum and dad in stitches!

[Notadramallama]

I was buying a new car and the salesman asked me if colour was important. I told him, "yes, I'm important"

[Pat123dev]

I apologised to manakin when I bumped into it, thinking it was a person 🙈

[Willharicat]

A few yrs ago my DH and I were on a cruise with my in laws. We were in the restaurant at night when the resident photographer came up to our table and asked if we would like a group photo?
My Father in law jumped up and shouted 'oh yes, that would be wonderful, do you want the ladies positioned on the toilet' much to the amusement of the photographer and everyone sat in earshot of us!
What he meant to say was 'do you want the ladies positioned in the middle! Lol

[Tomasinabombadil]

OMG! I really did just LOL and made my dog jump

[Glittersparkle76]

Years ago my BIL and I were smokers,we always used to go outside of a pub together if the family were having a get together meal for someone birthday etc.One time after we had finished our meal in the pub his brain wanted to say "fancy going outside for a fag shaz?".What actually came out of his mouth was "fancy going outside for a shag faz?".
He's never lived it down!

[pinkrocker]

A while ago you could listen to newly released music in Woolies with headphones on. New Robbie Williams album was out, so me and my mate standing there, singing along, headphones on (only I wasn't singing out loud, she was and she didn't know I was just mouthing the words) Security guys were howling with laughter at this