Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Composing myself after the "Hairy Growler"!!

A syllable can make all the difference... I should have been talking to my college course about the OrgaNIsmic Self...

[anitagreen]

@Nanasueathome howling 😂

[anitagreen]

@beckywiththecraphair This is the winning comment 😂😂😂😂😂

[miaCara]

You spat out your drink on your two year old’s head? Nothing’s that funny
There's always one .

On a late shift one evening I drifted off to sleep while waiting for the next question to come up on a form I was helping someone complete. They were on the the other end of the phone. I came to as I said - quite businesslike " are any of your boys Brownies?" The question was far removed from both with boys and brownies. There was a long silence while I came to realisation of what I said then ,with no explanation, I just read out the question I should have asked in the first place

[FindaPenny]

@Mitebiteatnite that made me laugh so much.... I'm imagining you saying it in a Hannibal Lector voice for some reason🤣

[Smurfie12]

These are hilarious and have cheered me up during my boring Tuesday lunchtime. So it's only fair I share mine.

I was working in a fancy gastro pub many many moons ago and the chef used to decorate the deserts with a chinese gooseberry called a "Physalis", we had a huge table in one night celebrating a 50th birthday and the birthday boys mum asked me what they were called, i said Chinese Gooseberry, she said no the real name and i said very loudly and confidently "Syphilis", cue the table falling about laughing, me going bright red and the mum repeating Syphilis about then times to herself then asking her son didn't your brother have that once, cue more hilarity and I nearly wet myself at that comment.

They were very good about it and the birthday boy left me a huge tip for the best laugh he had had in ages....oh the shame

[anitagreen]

My partner was with me the other day whilst we was talking to some neighbours down the road anyway we was talking about childbirth as me and another lady are due the same time, they was talking about cutting the cord and my partner comes out with yes I think I'll cut the placenta this time bless him

[JoyceDivision]

Suggesting some have Veunus try-flaps as plants

[Tighnabruaich]

Listening to my boss's dilemma, nodding thoughtfully, but in head getting ahead of the ending and composing my reply. I wanted to say, 'you don't want go off down that path' or 'you don't want to get sucked into that'.
Yep, I came out with 'You don't want to get sucked off on that path'.
We both pretended I'd not said it.

[SingingLily]

My boyfriend looked a bit perturbed when my (religious) mum announced to a group of my extended family that he was bisexual. She meant ambidextrous.

😁 A colleague, known for patiently explaining polysyllabic long words to his female co-workers, once leaned over to me to explain that ambidextrous means "able to dance with both feet". I expect he would have thought "bisexual" to mean much the same.

[cstaff]

@Smurfie12 Oh I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that 50th. Again crying laughing and lunchtime is over so no excuse

[Kezza8]

My daughter saw an orthodox Jewish guy in the airport when she was about 6. She looked at me and said, "Mummy, is that a leprechaun?" :-)

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Loads of funnies but "Tall man" made me laugh out loud - so silly but hilarious!

I don't have any that I can remember, sadly - but if I do remember any I'll come back and put them down.

[theorchidwhisperer]

I'm crying so hard at these my glasses have steamed up!

[blackfriars]

When I was a trainee solicitor I often had to work really long hours. One night (or should I say morning) I was there at about 1/2am and went to give a really carefully constructed piece of written analysis that had taken me DAYS to my TERRIFYING supervisor (an awful woman who basically bullied me for the entire six months I worked under her). Anyway, as I handed over the work I thought the words 'Here it is' were going to come out of my mouth but instead I inexplicably said 'I DONE THIS'. I was too mortified to explain so literally just walked out of her office. Needless to say I did not get a job in that department.

[SirVixofVixHall]

Sobbing with laughter here.
Tall man.....hairy growler....
Dog has gone into the next room as I was laughing so loudly I kept making her jump.

[SirVixofVixHall]

Dare I google hairy growler jewellery ?

[Kam610]

I'm quite an awkward person generally and if talking to someone I don't know well I just feel quite uncomfortable and usually stumble over my words. At work a few times instead of saying - hello or hiya, it's come out as heyo 🙈 and instead of thanks or cheers it's come out theers. Why am I so bloody awkward?

[verystressedmum]

@Alpacathebag the funniest thing

[RockinHippy]

You spat out your drink on your two year old’s head? Nothing’s that funny 

& there goes the joy sucker

I'm loving this thread. I'm laid up with a kidney infection & it's just the tonic I need

[BlooperReel]

Have struggled to compose myself in an open plan office over 'tall man!'

[Awaywiththefairies27]

I've been hyper obsessed with visiting Japan all my life and have spent many an hour keenly studying the language and being polite but I was anxious at the long flight so decided to try closer counties first.

My first time abroad I was so excited to be in a country that spoke foreign languages. Only I wasn't in Japan and arigatou isn't the right word for thank you in the Netherlands, nor is bowing considered remotely normal. I did it in multiple shops too.

[Littletabbyocelot]

I went to visit my granny shortly after turning 18. She took me to a wine and cheese social with her (naice) church friends. Introducing me to the vicar and his wife (in their 30s) she announced 'she's just reached the age of consent.'

[Mitebiteatnite]

I've remembered another (fully mortifying one)
Making a call to someone about an allotment, his name was Chris Huntingdon. So obviously I asked for Mr Cuntingdon.

Also in Tesco once and could only find low fat philadelphia. So I found one of the store assistants and asked him if he had any 'full fat philtondelipher'

[4under4our]

Trying to pay for something in my local shop a few days ago, placed my card on the screen for contactless and nothing happened so I inserted the card, still not working.

I told the shop assistant the card machine didn't appear to be working to which he replied 'That's your driving license'.

Ffs.