Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

[Awaywiththefairies27]

My auntie to this day calls paracetamol, pamaseminadol. Never understood why we would all crack up laughing when she needed pain meds.

[cryer]

This thread 😂😂😂 I can't cope.

@Smurfie12 I thought you were going to say 'phallus'. Syphilis was even better

[Winningatseesaw]

Howling with laughter at some of these. Tall man has it for me at the moment 😂

Mine happened to a friend. At a nice restaurant, and the waiter asked "how was your meal?"

She came straight out with "Great. Compliments to the SHIT". I still giggle about that one.

[dustarr73]

Im literally shaking with the laughter.Hairy Growler😂😂

[isitwhatitis]

When the anaesthetist came to see me after a procedure I was incredibly nervous about I thanked him for seducing me instead of sedating me. The nurse with him rolled her eyes and looked away, I wonder if he has form.

[MsInconspicuous]

I literally have to have a break from this post.. 8 weeks pregnant and flitting between hysterical laughter and full on sobs, all with the windows wide open... bloody brilliant!!

[Shadow1234]

The other day my 87 year old mother was telling our neighbour that she was just waiting for her SIL to "trim my bush and then I can take some lovely photos". (obviously meaning the front garden that she loves to makeover every summer with her beautiful flowers and hanging baskets), but I couldn't stop chuckling. I had to walk away when the neighbour said "well I'll always do ot if SIL is busy.

[JellyBook]

I was in the Harry Potter land in Universal Studios and asked husband if he wanted to try some of that dragon butter from the stall. He’s not as big a fan of HP as I am, so neither knew what butter beer or dragon butter was, so I think I got away with it.

[Shadow1234]

I also asked for a first class wank in the post-office once. No idea where that came from. (but was mortified)

[Elvesdontdomagic]

I once tried to order 'stiffy cocky pudding' instead of sticky toffee pudding. I actually think that's an easy mistake to make!

[Aram1nta]

Reminds me of when a good friend of mine got a puppy - a cross between a cocker spaniel and a springer spaniel. I'd told my mum about it etc etc and that it was known as a Sprocker

A few weeks later she says to me ' how's Sarah getting on with her little Cockspring?'

[thenewaveragebear1983]

I once opened the door with Ds to sign for a parcel, and the post lady said to Ds 'I really love your fireman Sam jumper' - to which we replied 'we really love your postman pat jumper' except we didn't, I said 'I really love your fireman Sam pants'

She actually backed away slowly

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

walking our very old dog, we met a vair posh lady with a similarly ancient dog. She asked how old ours was and I said he was 15. She replied 'Well, mine's 16!' , to which I cheerfully responded 'Oooh - competitive old-age dogging!'

Anyone else reminded of this?

[MunchMunch]

When I was younger I remember I was going to ask my dad for my pocket money but in reality I came out with "dad, bollocks" - no idea why I said it it just popped out
I've called the woman serving in McDonald's dad before.

[FrenchFancie]

I was a paralegal ages and ages ago and did audiotyping. We had a client called French. My (aged) boss had dictated several letters. I dutifully types them up, handed them to him saying

‘Here are the French letters you asked for’.

He nearly wet himself laughing at me. I didn’t know (but do now) that I had basically offered my boss condoms.

[spiderlight]

@Puzzledandpissedoff That video has just about finished me off!

[Makeusacupoftea]

We were posted to Gibraltar and my friend went to the local chemist and asked if they sold clitoris remover cream....she meant cuticle. I backed slowly away before she went into further explanation.

[Lolly49]

Very tired with DH in the pub one evening went to get our drinks asked for a pint of Pinot and a moretti beer,
To be fair the bar man did not bat an eyelid but said that may be a bit ambitious madam.

[kelper]

I'm sitting here crying with laughter, Tall man got me completely!

[AliasGrape]

Arguing with my ex once, he was being infuriatingly smug and like he thought he was so cool, so I wanted to say something like ‘who do you think you are? insertnameofcoolpersonhere?’ but what my brain came up with was ‘Do you think you’re Dale fucking Winton?’ He just looked at me a long time and said ‘no ... I don’t think that’ to which I spat back ‘well good because you’re NOT’ and stalked off.

Last month I was on the phone to someone at the bank ages and as the call ended I thought I was about to say ‘thanks so much for your help’ but what came out was ‘have such a nice birthday’. (DPs birthday cards were just visible from the corner of my eye).

[BrokenWing]

I was on a conference call for a very tough project recently and apologised for keeping switching to mute mid sentence as I had a sore throat and was coughing a lot.

One of the guys suggested to avoid the project we all get the same sore throat, a bit like the Friends episode with the mug in the coffee house, and call in sick cue lots of laughter (you had to be there). I tried to get them back onto topic with "I'm not giving deep throat to any of you, where were we?" The UK and Irish just could not continue with the call and it wasn't helped by the guys from India who were beyond confused asking for explanations, the call was abandoned until the next day.

[DrPeppersPhD]

Oh dear God, so many! Forgetting names, calling people by the wrong names, accidentally said "fuck you" instead of thank you when my classmate compliment my hair, called my teachers Mum (regardless of whether they're male or female). When I started taking my antidepressants my brain was fucked up for a few weeks and I spent ten minutes arguing with my friend that a noun was neuter, only I was saying nominative the whole time. When my Latin teacher asked me to find the subject of the sentence and I first found the infinitive, then forgot whether he'd asked for subject or object, then my brain totally short circuited and I forgot which sentence we were looking at, then I forgot again (I was very sleep deprived), he pulled me to one side after class and asked me if I was alright, I was mortified

[BarryTheKestrel]

Reading this during nap time was a bad idea. Howling.

Did anyone else read "TALL MAN" ala Anchorman "LOUD NOISESS" or was that just me?

[madeofstarlight]

A woman I work with is getting a hysterectomy later this year and while we were waiting to go home she said "I wonder how long I'll be in hospital for after my op" and I started chatting away about how when my DAD went for his he was only in for a couple of days. Cue very strange look from her obviously.

I'd been speaking to another lady about 20 mins before about how she was on the waiting list for a hip replacement which my dad has just had done and completely forgot I was speaking to someone else about a completely different operation. Think the heat had gotten to me 😂

[Aram1nta]

Oh and another. I called Lloyds Bank once about some query. Meant to open up the conversation with ' Hello, I bank with Barclays ..' and actually said 'Hello, I bark with Bankclays'