To ask what happens when you have a massage? Only something weird (I think) just happened to me.

[scatterthenuns]

So, I used to live in Switzerland for work, and a perk of the job was a weekly massage in a fancy spa. Excellent stuff, always went for a Swedish, was always happy.

I've moved to London and been looking for a place near work that can I can pop into as required. Just come back from my first session - had booked for a Swedish, which is the only type I've ever had.

It was nothing like the technique I am used to! In fact, I'm a little weirded out/unsure if what she did to me was normal at all!

So, may I ask - when you get a massage, what type do you get, and what happens (step by step, if you can)?

I did however have an Indian head massage & it made me feel ill-very dizzy & light headed. The therapist left it a week & tried again and that time was good. On a separate note, reflexology made me dash to the toilet!

I am absolutely wheezing at simon

fanny I haven't laughed so much in a long time!

Glad to hear that so many others have had shit massages! Cheered me right up - am still in pain though!!

I'm not a massage person and have only had two (dodgy shoulder) but she was great at putting me at ease. She's based near Holborn station is that's not too far. hands-ontherapies.co.uk/
If I still worked in London I would almost certainly have made it a regular thing.

The massages I've has have all been great. In fact one of those mobile ones you get in shopping centre malls sorted out my shoulder that a whole course of NHS physio didn't.

I'm just starting out as a massage therapist and this thread has had me in hysterics.

Sendit - your post made me snort and I currently have a piece of tortilla wrap lodged up my nose.

I've had a few embarassing experiences as a therapist. A couple of weeks into my new job I had a lady come in who basically started stripping off in front of me the second she came in the door. I was trying to complete the consultation form and she bent over (completely starkers) to take her socks off and the only thing I could think to say was "oh what a lovely ring...." (as her arse was pointing right at my face). For clarity I was referring to the amber ring on her right finger...

I love a good hard massage - not had any like any of these though! Making me proper giggle....

I thought I'd treat myself to a massage while on holiday. The masseur was a chap, but I gave myself a stern talking to about not being prudish (he was from mainland Europe, where we're led to believe people are naked all the time in front of strangers!) and disrobed cheerfully.

It was an excellent massage - quite robust, but really helped my sore back.

Googled him when I got home so I could recommend him. Turns out that before he was a masseur he was a very successful porn star.

I truly truly have not laughed this much for a loooong time, tears pouring down cheeks and am obviously howling loud enough for DS1 to come and ask if I am ok?!! Apparently I am keeping him awake! Love it ...??

I am a massage therapist and as i do deep tissue with added power for sport & therapeutic massage for stress tension etc I have to allow the client to get used to the technique and in many cases use hot stones to warm up the muscles which allows you to got deeper as it relaxes the person. I find the point of pain and hold it until they relax, however I always use elbows and regular clients knees and I use my weight otherwise the therapist would get repetitive strain, as long as they have good technique know their anatomy & physiology then there is no greater treatment than Massage. Artisan H&B.

shiv

The last time I had a massage I got pregnant the same day.

So no more for me then.

Jesus, I have only had a few massages in my life, but none of this sounds at all normal to me. Not at all. Right from "a perk of the job was a weekly massage", through to "significant strain on my anus" and onwards.

This thread has not only made me howl with laughter but confirmed that massage is not for me. I've only ever had them when they have been bought for me and every time I end up way more tense than I was before. The worst one was an Indian head massage that was so firm that it felt like I was being trepanned. Of course, when asked if the pressure was ok I replied 'oh yes it's fine

I love a good massage but fortunately nobody has ever tried to split my arse before! This thread is so funny

The only bad experience was an Indian head massage- yes mooncup, I know exactly what you mean!
I didn't understand the different types so hadn't realised violence was involved. I felt mega bruised and my hair, which is already prone to frizz, looked as if I'd been plugged into the mains.

Your shoulders will prob be feeling good later in week though op! It always hurts for a day or two when they've worked your muscles.

If you go to a reputable place you shouldn't have a problem at all esp. in London which is a highly professional location.

I don't see much wrong in what you describe.

Lucylloyd, I think having your bum letter-boxed and then chinned deviates somewhat from the norm?

When I was in Thailand I got a massage. Little tiny woman she was, she put a thing over my face and began from toes up. It was heaven - I actually found myself drifting off to sleep .... until I felt my bikini top being undone and then her hands all over my boobs!! She actually massaged my boobs! if it had been a bloke I'm not sure what I would have done but I have to admit, I kinda liked it!

But anyway she also sat on me and got herself into some weird positions. She also made my back crack which was a weird experience!

I had a Thai massage once which involved me being naked with the exception of a paper G-string. Towards the end of the massage the masseuse asked me a question but I didn't understand what she said so I asked her to repeat herself. Still didn't understand so said 'pardon' again. Third time I was still clueless but was too embarrassed to ask for another repeat so I smiled and nodded. She then proceeded to give me a breast massage...yep, that's what she'd been asking me about. I just had to lie there and wait for it to finish...I'm sure if I'd been expecting it, it would have been nice. But I was quite young and naive and it was quite a surprise!

oldcrow
Lucylloyd, I think having your bum letter-boxed and then chinned deviates somewhat from the norm?

I now have an image in my head of OP having her bum chinned!

The only massages I've had have been the really painful ones at the chiropractor. Is there some style of massage I should be trying? Do beauty therapist-type massages actually do anything?

Also, what happens if you're a bit fat? Presumably they're just rearranging your flab.

Classic thread... No disrespect OP but thinking about this thread andyour aching buttocks had me laughing out loud to myself at work.

Also put me in mind of Joey's inappropriate tailor in Friends.

Joey: That's how they measure pants right?
Ross: In prison!

Im a massage therapist and I only use hands and forearm for swedish, pressure points can be used but usually only on the head ime. I onky do the very top of the arse though and never used my chin ever ....EVER!!