To ask what happens when you have a massage? Only something weird (I think) just happened to me.

[scatterthenuns]

So, I used to live in Switzerland for work, and a perk of the job was a weekly massage in a fancy spa. Excellent stuff, always went for a Swedish, was always happy.

I've moved to London and been looking for a place near work that can I can pop into as required. Just come back from my first session - had booked for a Swedish, which is the only type I've ever had.

It was nothing like the technique I am used to! In fact, I'm a little weirded out/unsure if what she did to me was normal at all!

So, may I ask - when you get a massage, what type do you get, and what happens (step by step, if you can)?

I love a good massage! My local college has a lovely salon/spa and there is a little older woman that works there. She doesn't look like she is capable of carrying two family bags of crisps but by god she is magic. It's like getting a rub down from a well-trained ninja octopus. When I went to Tunisia the first time I went for a massage and was pretty damn shocked. They massage everything except your pink bits......basically no areola or fanny lips. That's apparently where they draw the line. I had no idea and had prebooked a massage a day with no refunds allowed. I quickly got used to the breast massage but just couldn't get used to a stranger stroking up the inside of my thing.

I'm kinda hoping they were stroking up the inside of your thigh Fanny...

Feck! I'm cursed with IBS and walk round with my anus clenched most of the day. If she tried that on me the results would have been horrific.

"I'm kinda hoping they were stroking up the inside of your thigh Fanny"

hysterical

HAHA! best autocorrect ever in the correct context. Yes, it should have been THIGH :D

Oh Fanny, thank you for making me laugh with your typo.

'significant strain on my anus'

Yeah, just no. Not right in any kind of massage, especially not Swedish!

Go back and complain.

Sorry you're feeling sore today OP. I have only ever had head + shoulder massage so really don't know what Swedish massage entails, better luck elsewhere.

Fanny

Sounds odd! This very morning I had 30 minutes sports massage on my back, neck and shoulders. Bloody painful but always sorts me out. No spreading of arse cheeks. All above board, nowt inappropriate!

Ha ha! I think it's a Thai massage technique gone wrong/too far.

Hideous flashback to massage in Thailand. It's usual to remove shoes before entering the room however the male masseur removed not only his shoes but also his prosthetic leg. I was a little surprised but thought nothing of it. I was somewhat shocked when he jumped up on the table and used the stump to pin me down by my groin then to massage my buttocks.

Thigh! Haaaaaaa!

I Knew I was right to avoid massages and spa pampering crap. It all sounds awful. I like my personal space. Only my immediate family invade it.

My belly button poking Egyptian massage also involved inside of thigh stroking. I was tense as fuck thinking that she was going to nudge a labia at any second.

Crikey! I was going to ask for a voucher for a massage for my birthday - never had one and everyone seems to have them thesedays, and I could do with some pampering but after this thread, no way!

I do fancy a head massage though - I love it when they do that at the hairdressers it's just never long enough! Anyone tell me what a head massage is like/how it is done?? I don't even know if it's on dry or wet hair - do you end up looking like a scarecrow when you leave? !! (PS what body parts do they use on your head??)

My friend and I went for Ayurvedic massages in Goa.

No modesty towels. Stark naked, front and back, hands sweeping all over and body - breasts, buttocks, mons pubis - everywhere apart from labia inwards.

My friend and I came out afterwards and just stared at each other. When she said to me "Erm, were you....naked?", I did consider winding her up and saying "Noooooo" in an aghast manner.

Actually crying laughing at this thread !

Was this massage on a Friday at Center Parcs by any chance?

What a great thread.

A few years ago a friend and I went to a naked spa in Austria, and signed up for this Turkish mud bath experience. Which involved various hi jinks, but culminated in lying completely naked on a kind of mortician's slab, while the masseur - a heavy-set middle-aged gentleman - rubbed you all over with oil and then scrubbed you vigorously with (I kid you not) the kind of brush you'd see a Downton Abbey kitchen maid using to give the scullery floor a good going-over.

I had a Swedish massage recently. It wasn't a pleasant experience really. Lots of slapping and a chopping action. It hurt! It did sort my bad back out though. No bum play though.

I proper lol'ed at whothefuckissimon. Going over for DD earlier I started laughing again at her DD sitting wrapped in a towel
Great thread.

Right that's it I am asking DH for a massage tonight. There was a partners massage thing on netflix we watched and he is actually really good at it. That one uses the whole body

I rather like the idea of being wrapped up in a wet hot towel.

I've had a few massages & they've been really lovely &so relaxing afterwards I slept straight through 9 hours. Bliss.
no bum play involved It never occurred to me that that might happen.