To ask what happens when you have a massage? Only something weird (I think) just happened to me.

[scatterthenuns]

So, I used to live in Switzerland for work, and a perk of the job was a weekly massage in a fancy spa. Excellent stuff, always went for a Swedish, was always happy.

I've moved to London and been looking for a place near work that can I can pop into as required. Just come back from my first session - had booked for a Swedish, which is the only type I've ever had.

It was nothing like the technique I am used to! In fact, I'm a little weirded out/unsure if what she did to me was normal at all!

So, may I ask - when you get a massage, what type do you get, and what happens (step by step, if you can)?

OMG, I think I am going to wee myself :o

I've never liked the thought of a massage and I am even more put off now!

DS does a good line in chin massaging. It HURTS. Child has the sharpest chin known to man.

Nothing helpful to add, OP, but just wanted to say that early on in the thread I misread your name as "scattertheanus."

I'm sure Brian would have done a great breast massage.

Maybe a spider had run up your bum crack and she was trying to let it escape.
I keep reading about spiders at the moment, they are all coming indoors.

Well I've got my next name change lined up

Oh an ex of mine got me to watch a clip of a woman getting her breasts massaged. Apparently if you do it nightly over a number of weeks and get all the tension out you become a 'squirter'

Yep he was a dick head

I've had the masseuse all over me with most parts of his body during a shiatsu massage. You do stay fully clothed though.

My masseuse does press on my arse a bit ( no spreading of the bum cheeks though!) to help with my muscles and stretching.
The slapping of the leggings sounds normAl, good for circulation, can aid reducing cellulite and the shoulder part doesn't sound too weird.
She sounds like she was trying to get rid of any knots in your shoulders as you mentioned problems there.
You can generally feel shit few hours later and the next day but then feel good after.

I do not feel good this morning. I am clicking every time I bend, I'm sore and I'm crunchy.

nothing to add other than thanks for the howling laughter I actually have tears rolling down my cheeks. I especially like the child wrapped in a wet towel.

Is it possible she may have slipped on the oil and accidentally chinned you or overstretched your bum?

What the masseuse did is not especially unusual, but perhaps not exactly a Swedish massage? Some use a mix of different techniques, but if you had requested a Swedish massage specifically perhaps she should have stuck to that, or at least discussed it with you first.

Most people aren't even aware of what the differences are between Swedish, Thai, Balinese, Ayurvedic etc., so probably wouldn't even question it!

oldcrow that just proper made me laugh

Gosh how disturbing, I used to love a good massage but not anywhere near my bum!

I've never had a massage, definitely won't be having one after reading this thread.

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are sore scatter - please excuse the fact that I am laughing quite a lot at this thread. On the train.
Neal's Yard on Marylebone High Street is quite good and has lots of different styles of massage on offer, if that's close enough to Bond Street?

Swedish body includes knuckling

that sounds like a scary optional extra if you ask me.

and effleurage sounds positively unpleasant and like it might be designed to make you crap on the table.

I was once given a massage in Malaysia at the blind institute, or something like that. So when I was offered a male masseuse and asked if I minded getting down to shorts shirt, not worried in the least. (Obviously had been dressing conservatively while travelling around) Only when I handed him a wad of notes afterwards, he counted them, gave me exact change. I remember saying "but I thought you were blind" , and he muttered something like "well I do wear glasses"

That genuinely made me cry with laughter.

Go to a chiropractor. Not as relaxing but they actually know what they are doing and sort out your posture.

Literally the funniest thread ever.

"Well I do wear glasses" and "the slapping of the leggings sounds normal".

Well I do wear glasses

The only person who ever massages me is DH. I've always avoided spa weekends. I'm now very glad I do

Dear god this is why I will never have a professional massage. I don't fancy anyone prising my bum cheeks apart!!

OP, I winced at the buttock pulling! ouch!!

BabyGanoush your post had me shaking with laughter.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe I read your first line as "Swedish boy enjoys knuckling!"

I'm going for a massage tomorrow (DH booked it for me as a treat) and reading this thread has made me a bit perturbed.

Should I pre-empt any unsolicited arse cheek spreading by telling them "no bum stuff!" as soon as I walk in?