To ask what happens when you have a massage? Only something weird (I think) just happened to me.

[scatterthenuns]

So, I used to live in Switzerland for work, and a perk of the job was a weekly massage in a fancy spa. Excellent stuff, always went for a Swedish, was always happy.

I've moved to London and been looking for a place near work that can I can pop into as required. Just come back from my first session - had booked for a Swedish, which is the only type I've ever had.

It was nothing like the technique I am used to! In fact, I'm a little weirded out/unsure if what she did to me was normal at all!

So, may I ask - when you get a massage, what type do you get, and what happens (step by step, if you can)?

Definitely had a Thai feel to it, thats for sure. She was American though.

But then I did get a nice Swedish oily rub bit too. And the rocks.

Wondering if anybody can trace the bum grab to a massage I'm not familiar with?

Oh crikey, that's not good. Sorry I have no useful advice but pulling apart of the butt cheeks is never going to help anything is it!

That sounds really odd and definitely nothing like a Swedish massage. If she was intending to clamber all over you and pull your butt cheeks apart, she should at least have warned you.

I've never heard of that technique and have had quite a few different types of massage - including a man hanging from a rope massaging me with his feet - but I least I knew what I was getting into there!

I'm pretty sure I farted but there's nothing I could have done whilst she was literally pulling it open

X post - that is not like any Swedish massage I've ever heard of! She must have been using a, um, 'mix' of techniques there .

Could the pressing down really hard on your arse thing have been to relieve sciatic pain? Was it around that area? I don't know what the rest was about though. And I think she should probably be warning people if she's going to be messing around with their bums...

sucked her finger and stuck it in my tummy button

I'd bollock and probably smack anyone who did that to me, I can't stand anybody touching my belly button, a saliva covered finger is extra gross.

Who knows? I'd have liked a bum warning. I'm not traumatised or anything, just confused.

It sounds like she was trying to loosen up and manipulate your whole spine, not just bits of it, and of course your spine reaches down to just above your anus. I forget what its called but its the bottom bit of your lumbar spine. A good massage therapist will treat the whole area, not just the bit you complain of (your neck) because it can all be related. I actually think she was doing a very good job although it must have felt odd because its so near your bottom. I'm pretty sure this is what she was doing though and that it was perfectly orthodox. If you were to go to a spinal surgeon with a lower back complaint, they would explain this very well. She actually sounds highly skilled and while you might feel stiff now, it will be interesting to see if your posture improves in the next few days and your neck stiffness clears up.

The bit with the slapping of hands all over at the end is called depillage (sp?) and is also a normal massage technique.

That all makes sense Scremersford, but what I'd booked was a Swedish.

Were you offered any biscuits?

No Reality - Am I missing a reference here?

WhothefuckisSimon I have just cried laughing at your post.

Maybe she was trying to 'release' wind!

The pressing down and slapping sound normal to me. Cheek parting not so much, and I can't think of any therapeutic benefit you could get from it. Weird.

Maybe light, maybe. But christ I'd never have signed up for that in the first place!

I suppose next time I try somewhere new I need to make sure I ask what the plan is first.

Christ that's very odd..

Are you thinking of going back?

Next time?
I don't think I'd be going there again.
Simon's sounds even odder... I would have slapped her hand away before she'd taken a breath- no-one touches my navel!

Maybe bakeoff. It wasn't bad, and I'm sure I'll feel the benefit later, but I prefer something more relaxing, & somewhere you actually get what you book in for and I think trying a few places before I find my regular is a good idea.

She may very well be the best I come across near work. In that case, I'll try again but be much clearer beforehand.

Well good luck with going back.

God knows what she'll prise apart next time.

whothefuckissimon that description of the Turkish massage had me snorting put aloud.

I was once given a massage in Malaysia at the blind institute, or something like that. So when I was offered a male masseuse and asked if I minded getting down to shorts shirt, not worried in the least. (Obviously had been dressing conservatively while travelling around) Only when I handed him a wad of notes afterwards, he counted them, gave me exact change. I remember saying "but I thought you were blind" , and he muttered something like "well I do wear glasses"

In fairness there was no surprise wet finger in my belly button

Well, I've never had a massage (apart from when DH gives me a back rub ) and after reading these descriptions, I'm fairly certain I won't be trying one!!!

Where was this?

Well good luck with going back.

God knows what she'll prise apart next time.

I love massages, and have never ever had one like you describe. The bum thing?????? eurgh. Horrid. And the chin?? Bizarre. I'm used to masseuses using their forearms to slide up and down your back, and do those chops on your back, but that's it. Weird!!

It sounds fairly normal for a Thai massage but very weird for a Swedish one :).

I'm a massage therapist, Swedish body includes knuckling (could it possibly be this that you thought was the chin?) effleurage which could explained the pressing down, although it should be more sweeping. It does include a spine stretch but this doesn't incorparate the bum at all so I don't agree with what she was doing there - that is extremely personal in my opinion and I don't see any benefit from pulling apart your buttocks. Ouch!