50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Shouldn't she be called Sharon?

oh and be beaten on the bum with a wasp fly swatter?

Some naice ham should be involved some how...

While the plumber was elbow deep rooting around to remove the compacted gregs sausage rolls and fruit shoot that had passed through Bernard's bowels, Bernard peered through the high powered night vision binoculars allowing him to peer directly into Beverly's bedroom.

Picking up his phone he text her to tell her to get rid of the grey oversized granny pants and decent norks sized over the boulder shoulder holder she was wearing.

The next day he intoduced her to blow jobs.

"Oh my!" as she swallowed his length without gagging. She was reminded of tge first time she downed a Fruit Shoot as he unravelled in her mouth.

When does she leave the bastard?

haha well we both used fruit shoots but yours is better Val

One night has to be spent in a bell tent.

Bernard began stalking Beverley at work, intimidating all her friends and saying erotic shit like 'I want to beat the shit out of you'. Naturally, she found this endearing and her inner goddess carried on square dancing around turnips. It was because he was fifty shades of fucked up, you see. Bless.

Here is as good as any place to ask:

Who is this Sharon that so many of you speak of at the moment?

The next day Bernard and Beverly went camping.
Berverly brought her Bell tent. Bernard was surprisingly good with ropes and soon had everything spread out and staked to the ground.
"Is that good for you?" Bernard asked.
"Yes" said Beverly. "Nobody has ever got it up that fast for me before."
Bernard rummaged about in his carrier bag for the special erotic meal he had prepared. He slowly pulled out an extra long sausage roll causing all Beverly's clothes to fall off. Bernard slowly rubbed the sausage roll across Beverly's body covering her in grease and flaky bits. He slowly reached slowly into his bag again for a refreshing and healthy drink.
"Could you smack me on the bottom a bit?" Said Beverly.
Bernard gripped hard and squirted his Fruit Shoot onto his camping gas stove: The one with 2 burners but no grill. Bernard cursed not getting the more advanced model as he thought about the packet of 6 crumpets he had foolishly brought with him...

Bungle is so bossy!

"his hair" Beverley sighed to her friend Jordan, "it's glorious, tumbling chestnut. just like a vampire"
"he's a narcissist" snapped Jordan in response "red flags? red flags, anyone?"
"night vision goggles" nodded the barmaid
"that thing with your mother" someone suggested from further along the bar
"i once went out with a billionaire who never brushed his hair" muttered the bouncer. "controlling? he had me in fucking cable ties. emotionally, i mean"
"but he's so lovely and rich and slim hipped, what can possibly go wrong?" wailed Beverley, while wondering if it would be okay for her to have another martini, or if she should get back home in case he called...

he did call...to tell her to be sure to be naked when he got home, apart form her socks, which he wanted to see her remove, seductively.....

Her socks, he knew, would match the way his pants hung from his hips in that way.

Swoon, thought Beverley. Bernard, on seeing Beverley, decided he would try vanilla sex for the first time ever ever ever.

but when he saw the glass vial the vanilla pod came in, he had a much better idea....

It was Friday night after all

Bernards desire for a new location led them to Centre Parcs. After a lot of flume ploughing it was finally Friday

Beverley heard the familiar sound of a foil packet being torn open as Bernard snuck up behind her. 'Ahh' she thought. 'He remembered the crisps this time.'

I wonder if he brought some nice organic homous too? What COULD we do with that?..

Brilliant thread
Oh my. Bites lip.

Beverley's inner goddess yawned, stretched, bit her lip and bent over the folding camping table. There was throbbing going on all over the place, especially up her aphex twin.

Perhaps Bernard brought some English Breakfast Tea too? Bag on the side.
Beverley's inner goddess pouted and thought of all the things she could do with hummus.....
Did I mention he was beautiful?