50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Oh My, thought Beverly. I really should buy one of those Lakeland steam cleaners, this kitchen floor is filthy.
Just like that slim hipped lover of mine.

'Get that fucking maxi dress off right now Beverly!' whispered Bernard viciously into her eager ear.' I've decided I want to use the Babyliss Big Hair on you tonight'
'Oh my fifty shades of farrow and ball' I thought. To myself. In my mind.

Bernard makes Beverly do Dallas

Obligatory email section

To: Bernard@SeriouslyPowerfulEnterprises
From: Beverley@SomeMagazine

Can we do that thing with the marmalade again tonight? Biting my lip in anticipation of your smashing orangey bits.

Bev

"Oh, leave the bastard" texted Beverley's BFF Jordan, who had never bothered to read 50 shades of whatever, but did spend an awful lot of time mumsnetting.

"I can't leave him Jordan. My inner goddess would be soooo disappointed and I love feeling his fullness in my sex"

It wouldn't be a mumsnet collaboration without a goat.

I do not want to know what happens to the poor goat.

Please spare the goat, Bernard!

Just woke DH up laughing at "please spare the goat Bernard"

Bev got busy with service washes and such like, ignoring Bernard's pleas to come with him on a goat.
She was busy and holy crap the flat was a mess, was she being unreasonable to expect Bernard to help her tidy up?

Bernard patted the goat, fed it some expensive pages of a classic British novel and sent it on its way.
'You're so kind and sensitive' purred Beverley from her sun lounger.
'I can be bad too, baby' growled Bernard seductively, his slacks hanging limply from his bony pelvis.

At 3am she awoke to the sound of Bernard bashing away on his Casio.
"what's that song, it is beautiful"
"chopsticks"

Should that be "Home Bernard, and don't spare the goats!"
With several hundred pounds worth of Lakeland's finest implements laid out on a tasteful Cath Kidston picnic blanket, Bernard felt himself coming to the boil as Beverley leaned seductively towards him, bit her lip, and said "Pom Bear anyone?"

'Why can't I touch you, Bernard?' pouted Beverley.
'You can, but only if you leave my back alone. I have this enormous pus filled spot and I haven't posted a picture of it for everyone yet'.

Bernard looked at her in a way that made her sex pulse. He took of his slacks, his manhood looked so huge and scary next to his bony pelvis. Bev fleeting wondered if it suppossed to bend like that. But then she remembered...He was beautiful!

Then he took off his hair and folded it neatly.

"You've been a bad girl Bev" he lisped. "Eating grapes and not paying for them? Well suck on these plums!".

"Have they been pre-washed, Bernard?" Beverly stammered. Her inner goat aplorded applauddded clapped.

His beautiful organic chestnut hair quivered as he frowned.

"Beverly", he said quietly, sternly, provocatively and frowningly. "You are supposed to submit to me. Now I must punish you with this loo brush. What do you think, Beverly? Am I being unreasonable?

"Oh my", thought Beverly. "I'm so horny now."

Bev poured Veet down the plug hole whilst Bernard moaned and spanked her with a toilet brush.

I nearly woke the baby laughing at chopsticks

Bev tucked a wisp of hair behind her ear and bit her, now bloody, lip. Bernard leaned over her. "We're like Heathcliffe and Cathy. I could destroy you. Or maybe you'll destroy me. But we can't be apart."
"If I died my ghost would follow you, Bernard. Follow you anywhere."
Bernard hitched up his trousers as they threatened to fall off his arse. "It's a nice idea, Bev, but I'm not at all woo."

'Not now, Bernard' called Beverley, 'I'm distracted by the tabs on the ends of the cling film box.'

'Mmmmm, cling film...' muttered Bernard.

Hopefully after, Bernard would let her do a washine machine clean at 90 degrees. Beverly grew hot thinking about it.
She was sure there was an unopened packet of marigolds under the sink. bev quivered.

'Please put down the cling film,' implored Bernard erotically. 'You have to come over here and look at this expensive vase full of twigs and pebbly shit.'
'It's beautiful' gasped Beverley. 'you could probably do some kinky fuckery at me with both the twigs and stones, I expect.'

Bernard reached for the special scarf...

Bernard waggled his eyebrows. God he was beautiful.

"just wait until you see what I have in mind for the the MN scarf when it comes".

Ha!

Beverlys clothes fell to the laminate wood floor and Bernard bent Her over the pleather sofa

She had never noticed before how the clock was exactly in the middle of his mantlepiece.

There was still glass on the floor as sharon had not cleaned it up

It was Friday night and Beverly knew what that meant.

Bent over the sofa she couldn't help but notice the way the pampas grass in the front garden swayed in time to Bernards thrusting.