50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Should we turn this into a film first or a musical. Maybe we should do the film, then turn the film into a musical, then do a film of the musical!

Actors for the role of Bernard:
Jude law?
David Tennant?
Brian Blessed?
John Travolta?

Actresses for Beverly:
Judy Dench?
Katie Holmes?
Bella Emburg if alive?
Holly Willybe?

Beverly bit her lip as Bernard bit into a Grggs sausage roll.

Beverlys sex wept.

Later that night they were going to a charity ball. It was to raise miney so goats could have their own 56" tellys. Beverly sighed, Bernard may have been an all powerful business man with a perchant for twigs and pom bears, but he had his softer side too. Bev thought she was in love and daydreamed whether she should wear tights or leggings with her brand new Per Una outfit.

Her new MN scarf would need a quick wash. It was still crusty with hur love juices and and the fruit shoot that Bernard had spilled in it.

Beverlys sex sighed and bit its lip.

Oh My, thoughtBev, what can I wear to this charity ball? She hastily perused the contents of her wardrobe.
The jumpsuit maybe? Would Bernard approve?

As they left Beverlys flat, Bernard proffered some bicycle clips to put round the legs of her jumpsuit.

That'll stop the balls escaping if they drop out during the evening. He growled . Powerfully. You might get a bit worked up during the Heads and Tails game.

Bev bit her lip, certain the balls were meant to be small and silver, not green fuzzy Dunlops from Bernards tennis bag.

Beverlys inner goddess whipped up an Anabel Karmel mac n cheese.

Nothing so far has made me remotely interested in reading the book...until this thread. Mn at its best!

As they pulled up outside the sandstone and marble venue Bernard carelessly parked in a parent and child parking space.
Beverly was timidly about to comment when the look in his eye caused her to stop.
"I'm rich Beverly, and powerful," he growled, flicking his chestnut fringe out of his masterful grey eyes, "I can park wherever I damn well please."
As he tweaked her nipples through the Polyester she surrendered herself fully to his control.

Beverly was a bit concerned that her new Footglove shoes were chafing. She mentioned it to Bernard who got a glint in his eye and a tent in his trousers. It must have been the use of the word chafe thought Beverly breatlessly.

Fleetingly Beverly thought about the fact that she and Bernard never really had a proper conversation. Best mate Tracey banged on about this a lot.

Then Bev realised she was being a sily girl. Just look how handsome Bernard was.
And Tracey probably was a lesbian.

She bit her lip as her sex somersaulted.

As her sex performed a stunning dismount from the high beam, Beverley bit her lip and had a small subconscious argument with her inner goddess, who was being a complete butt plug today. As Beverley pondered upon whether it was strictly normal to have so many personalities that all argued with each other, her sex twanged again and she forgot herself all over the masterful persian rug.

Bernard entered the room, roughly, from behind.

'I.Must.Have.You. You.Are.Mine' he ejaculated breathlessly, inserting a mobile phone shaped like a platinum butt plug complete with a small tracking device into her downy entrance. Bev wondered whether she should have bleached herself Down There but soon forgot this passing thought as her sex exploded and her orgasm juddered through her like a hot maintenence wash through an empty dishwasher.

'Now I can ring your ring' he growled into her growler. Bev's inner goodess stopped watching 'America's Most Wanted Stalkers' and simpered naively instead.

"Bernard entered the room, roughly, from behind."

I just snorted my coffee

"hhmm, how to find the perfect gift.." Bev glanced around the toy shop until here eyes alighted on the perfect gift.

A Lego Millennium Falcon, it was second hand, grubby.... dirty

She shivered in anticipation

All that was needed was an old pe kit bag, some bio washing powder and a cool cycle in the washing machine

Her inner Goddess rollypollied around her lady garden at the thought of the kinky fuckery .

Looking down at her knotted fingers she bit her lip.

Remembering Bernard sniffing her apex, she realised a trip to the loft to retrieve the dead mouse was in order.

(italics) oh my, the loft, what kinkery fuckery we could do (/italics)

"Bernard entered the room, roughly, from behind."

also snorting of beverages through nose here :o

this thread is inspired :o

"ah fuck Beverley baby" yelled Bernard as he came noisily inside her.

His hot body lay heavily over her momentarily before he eased himself off and wandered out of the room "laters baby.." he whispered

Beverley fumed silently and wondered whether this separate rooms lark was a ruse to get him out of sleeping in the wet patch...

Bernard took Beverley to Waitrose so they could buy some naice ham and whipped cream for this evenings kinky fuckery.

She couldn't reach the shelf with the naice ham on so he growled at her masterfully to move aside. He stretched for the ham and she glimpsed at his pants that were hanging just nicely on his hips and had to urge to spank him thoroughly with a baguette.

Her sex wept with sadness as she thought, "That could never happen in Waitrose, next time we should go to ASDA"

Beverly approached the self checkout, licking her lips in delight.

She scanned the ham and slid it into a plastic bag. It crinkled delightfully and reminded her of her own glistening sex.

Picking up the cream, it suddenly exploded around Bernard.

"oh my," she sighed.

The supermarket checkout supervisor walked over to Bev and Bernard and had only just opened her mouth to berate them about the cream spillage when she noticed Bernard's powerful chestnut hair and expensive hips. She immediately fell to her knees and whispered 'How may I serve you today Master?'
Bev felt shocked, appalled, horrified, slender, brunette and erotic. Her apex twitched slightly and started doing a maypole dance with her inner goddess.

This is genius. I love you all. MN FTW.

Loading the stuff into an expensive car, Bernard laughed erotically as he strapped Beverley into her seatbelt. He reversed out of the parent and child space, knocking over a wheelchair user and speeding off down the road without indicating.

'He's so rich and masterful! Normal rules don't apply!' giggled Bev as she squirmed against the tight harness of the seat belt. Her sex oozed and throbbed as he pushed his finger into her mouth.

'Next time we will take my helicopter' promised Bernard, unwrapping a foil packet and sliding a condom over his twitching length. Bev mounted the gearstick, bucking ecstatically as they pulled up at a junction.

...when they got back to Bernard's magnificent sandstone office building, the damned Honda CRV was still parked opposite the dropped kerb. 'oh my god' Bev shuddered, as she Kumon in her pants.

Then DISASTER STRUCK!!!

Bev was KIDNAPPED!!!

She and her Inner Goddess were super put out, but totes aroused about what Bernard would do next. Powerfully.

As luck would have it, Bev had had plenty of experience wearing blindfolds and being tied up.. But she was a strong feisty independent woman with a man who bought her cars and oysters and she wasn't going to take this lying down.
'Let me go, immediately.' she commanded. 'My boyfriend's got a freakin helicopter and he's going to be powerfully cross with you. One swivel of his snakelike hips and you'll be overcome by his masterfulness.'

...she just hoped his grey jogging bottoms (that sit that way) wouldn't fall down... Or did she?

Her inner goddess was furious, they were due to go to feather down farm with the goat and she just ahd to get there for such a mighty tent errection after all they had managed to blackmail the owner into screwing over someone elses booking so they could have the tent near to the stream all to themselves.

I am crying with laughter, Please put this in classics.