50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

That should read fanny not funny doh

'But never mind all of this talk about biscuits and fannies Bernard. What's going on between you and Mrs Robinson? I know she seduced you when you were an impressionable teenager, but why is she sending you these messages full of euphemisms?

'They're not euphemisms Beverly, she really does want me to come and have a good look through her briefs. She's in something of a legal tangle.'

Beverley leafed through the Avon book, wondering if she should buy the 50 shades of grey eyeshadow palette, as there was a free gift of men's moisturiser with it. She thought of smearing the silky cream all over Bernard - "AIBU" she wondered "to think a man should have soft skin when he is writhing about on me, as I don't want chafing marks left on me?" She wondered whether to post about it on MN, but then carried on to the special offer on paddle brushes, as that would be more useful for him to spank her with. :)

Beverly knew that he could help Mrs R with her problem. But how would MrsR be able to contain her growing lustfulness so clise to Bernard.

Beverly was confused. Was this yet another new emotion ?

Bev crept downstairs in the middle of the night to start a thread

"its been 5 weeks since my ad and my inner goddess is a bit tender...could I be?"
She had unanimous responses of JUST POAS
Beg bit her lip and rolled her eyes

Genius. Have not laughed so much for ages. I ( bites lip) fucking love MN.

Pmsl at the sex shed with a huge fence!

tornado through North London

Your inner-comic-goddess just made me larf and larf and larf...

And orgasm.

'Beverly. Stop rolling your eyes around like that. One of these days they're going to passionately fall out of your head onto my expensive marble floor.' commanded Bernard. 'And you'd better not be pregnant. My anaconda will not stand for it.'

'F'nar' thought Beverly briefly. She had some serious thinking to do. She knew what she had to do. She must talk to Jose. He hadn't been mentioned thus far and must be feeling very neglected and about to turn into a wolf, probably.

What the fuck, your minge gasped Bernard after finding his release in her for the umpteenth time that day.

After the muscles in her vagine had stopped clenching, Beverly wiped herself down with a spermy sex towel.

Bernsrd shouted at her "put the spermy yowel in a hot wash and font gorget to do my wank mitten as well!"

He purposely strode around his tastefully decorated apartment with no purpose.

Brilliant

Oops fat fingers (fnar)

Beverly quickly looked through the contract she'd signed (quietly and without it mentioned anywhere in the above story) about what Bernard expected from her. There was no mention of sex towels, wank mittens or even erotically charged jerk socks. It was most remiss of Bernard to leave these details out. Maybe he was fallible after all.

'Someone mention a phallus?' growled Bernard, whipping it out and seductively draping it over Bev's shoulder like a mink stole.

Bernard hated being without a purpose, having no purpose made him angry, the goat was not enough, without a purpose he'd HDD to punch a porpoise. The thought made him hard. He bent Beverly over the goat and took her to new heights of kinky fuckery.

HDD = have [autocorrect]

Beverly was growing tired off staying in the artfuly decorated apartment. as much as she loved the twiggy shit anf being taken up the oxo tower every second of the day. something was misding

Why didnt Bernard take her out much? Was he ashamed of her?

Her sex wilted ever so slightly.

As he took beverley roughly over the goat his fingers found her 'oh my!' there and she moaned. His other hand tweaked one nipple roughly and his extendable neck allowed him to take the other into his burning mouth and suckle it. His third hand stroked her legs to the apex of her thighs whilst his fourth slowly moved a butt plug in and out of her aching rear while he was at the same time banging her hard from behind. She felt the familiarquickening deep inside her, 'oh god Bernard, oh goat, oh goat' she screamed as she exploded around his sex

lol at "took her up the oxo tower"

now can we go to Nandos?" Beverly whined.

The next day Bernard went to his special sex flat that had special sex rooms for sexing people. Time to prepare for Beverly's visit. The Philip Schofield room was where he enjoyed his passion for spanky hanky panky. The leather clad examination bed was in the centre. On the wall behind there was a St Andrew's cross, spanking bench, exercise bike hung with clothes, violet wand and accessories, chocolate fountain, a shelf containing boxed sets of Howard's Way and Triangle, picture of tennis player with an itchy arse, and his mum who was just buffing his dildos.
He said goodbye to his mother and laid out tonight's' special sex equipment on the sex table next to the bed:
Some sausage rolls
Squirty cream
Sponge fingers
5 kinds of humus
and some Veet Not-For-Bollocks.
Bernard realised he must have accidently swapped shopping lists with somebody during the kerfuffle when he parked in a parent-child bay earlier.
Bernard wondered who was currently searching Tescos for pallet wrap and nipple clamps...

At 3am she awoke to the sound of Bernard bashing away on his Casio.
"what's that song, it is beautiful"
"chopsticks"

I actually peed a little!

'Yes, but only because it gives me the opportunity to make comments about breasts, thighs, maybe even stuffing and to demand that you suck my fingers afterwards.' replied Bernard haughtily.

'Are you ashamed of me? You never take me out in Bravo Alfa November Golf anymore', said Beverly, referring to Bernard's mighty hovercraft that he kept moored in Cannes.

and a mooncup. As he pondered, he bit his lip, in a manly sexy way.

"Only after you have bent over Beverly" commanded Bernard masterfully.

Beverly did as she was bid and he slipped a couple of scotch eggs he'd gotten earlier from the petrol station (Ginsters brand, 'cos he's a millionaire) up her womanly chuff.

Now go and get me a fruit shoot he commanded, his lovely slacks billowing like a marquee, no less, with his cheesy tumescence.