50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

[Napdamnyou]

'I might have been kidnapped but I must go to the ball, think of the goats!'mused Beverley, scrolling through Per Una Speziale selection. Her butt plug tracking device vibrated, as Bernard burst through the door, his pants hanging off in that way. Tripping over his pants, he skidded to a halt before her, cream dripping from his organic locks and ginger happy trail.

'Kidnapped eh? Lucky I'm a stalker or I'd never have found you tied up in your ex boss's underground lair' he foamed. 'Neither of you will be able to sit down for a week.'

[picnicbasketcase]

'Oh please don't be angry with me' implored Bev. 'Just take a deep breath, come home with me and have a cup of expensive coffee made by your curiously unjudgmental housekeeper. Presumably she must dust the Red Room of Kinky Fuckery, I'm surprised she hasn't handed in her notice, cos polishing dildos shouldn't really come under her job description.'

With superhuman effort, Bernard got his screwed up emotions under control.

'You just don't get it Bev. When I thought your life might be indanger, my fullness got all scared that it might never bury itself in your sex again and feel it all exploding around it like a firework in a cheescake factory.'

[loopylou6]

And now I have a twitchy palm God dammit bernad hissed the words through his teeth and Bev felt her sex moisten, her inner goddess squealed with glee, she ripped off her knickers and had ten million orgasms without Bernard even touching her hot twitching cunt, it was just the way those pants hung...

[fridakahlo]

They made it home and as they were lying on bed that evening, Bernard pulled out a paper bag that rustled in the most enticing way.
As the sausage roll appeared, Beverly yawned and flicked on the tv "Not now, Bernard, TOWIE is on".
Bernard flung down the sausage roll and stormed off, muttering "I'm off to shave the goat".

[HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen]

Bleeeeaaaat!!!!! Went the goat. Wondering why the low slacked man insisted on kinky shaving fuckeryness when it was trying to watch its flat screen 56" tv.

[QueenFuri]

This is the funniest thing I have ever read I'm crying with laughter!

[Zhaghzhagh]

Beverly looked at the sausage roll, was tempted, but wondered if it was a Gregs or not. She only likes Gregs. She realised was being unreasonable but decided not to chance it.

[Zhaghzhagh]

oops sorry, I've cocked it up.

[HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen]

Said Bernard, recocking the sausage roll so this time, Beverly throbbed.

[cocolepew]

..the goats ass" shouted Bernard from the other room.
Beverly sighed, she had wanted the sausage roll for for pre sex nibbles. But now she didnt fancy it covered in goat smeg and fur.

[cocolepew]

(too slow)

[Napdamnyou]

'Enough television!' huffed Bernard, controllingly. 'You need to eat.'

Snapping her into a pair of handcuffs, he tied her ankles to the glass coffee table. Crumbling the sausage roll onto her nipples, he stroked her clitoris with a slice of nice ham. His fingers plunged into a tub of Ben and Jerrys and then massaged her crevices, masterfully.

'i thought you wanted me to eat? I've been fasting for the last 8 chapters?' murmured Bev, before an orgasm ripped through her like a tornado in North London, and tangerines belched across the laminate floor.

[noddyholder]

He put up that shelf he had been promising for months and her dress fell to the floor..

[picnicbasketcase]

Oh my thought Bev as the dress and tangerines collided with all the force of an alligator on steroids rollerblading into a powerful lake. The shelf glistened temptingly. 'I must buy one of those silver letter ornaments that spell out 'home' or 'dream' or 'apex', Bernard. Remind me next time we go out shopping for a new Audi, I can pop into Ikea.'

[cocolepew]

Bernard glared masterfully and whiped out a bag. Inside were letters. He arranged them artfully.

FUCK

SEX

GOAT
and

POM.

Beverlys sex danced

[Napdamnyou]

She reached for him, yearningly, despite wearing handcuffs.

'Don't touch me anywhere apart from my thrusting length!' warned Bernard. 'Despite years of therapy, I can't bear it. There's an everywhere-but-my-hosepipe ban.'

'What if I wear marigolds?' cooed Bev, as her inner goddess slipped into scrubs and cavorted round her sterile theatre of her subconscious. 'After all, there's a first time for everything, and you managed to tie me up in a dungeon and spank me twenty minutes after I thought of sex for the first time in all my 21 years...'

[picnicbasketcase]

'Now if we can figure out a way of combining all of those things, I will be happier than a submissive on a speedboat', said Bev wistfully. Bernard flapped a packet of Pom Bears erotically in her direction and her arousal got up, danced the Macarena and made insulting hand gestures at passers by.

The goat looked alarmed and fled.

[Kveta]

:o at "everywhere-but-my-hosepipe ban"

[Housemum]

Bernard tousled his copper locks, then swept his hair back with a dashing bandana. I bit my lip expectantly (damn, my mouth looks like I've been in a fight with Mike Tyson, what is all this lip biting???) as he announced, "oo-arr, my lighthouse is tingling". I couldn't wait for his ship to be a-docking, my first experience of pirate sex.

[cocolepew]

"come" said Bernard striding manfully across the room.
Beverlys sex did.

[Shodan]

Beverly's Oh My twitched at the sight of the erotically-waved Pombears. Suddenly Bernard frowned, his artfully chiselled mouth pressing into a thin line.

"Beverly," he enquired softly but menacingly "Are you wearing White Stuff?"

"No," she gasped. "The only White Stuff I wear is yours. Sir. "

"Do you know what this means?" he asked.

Beverly's inner goat danced the rumba and was awarded an eight by Craig Revel Horwood.

[cocolepew]

"Are we looking for the goat?"

"Fuck the goat" shouted Bernard

"But you already did" trembled Beverly.

"We are going for a ride".

Bernards manhood waggled and Beverly gasped. Where could they be going?

[squeakytoy]

Beverley however, was not happy. After secretly checking Bernards mobile phone and emails, she was very unhappy to find a series of exchanges between him and his mothers next door neighbour, Mrs Robinson.

[picnicbasketcase]

'Beverly. I've been meaning to ask you for quite some time', started Bernard tyrannically. 'What is your favourite biscuit? I can have one of my blonde minions go out and buy us some to incorporate into our love squeezings.'

'I've always loved ginger nuts', said Beverly querulously.

'What a stroke of luck' said Bernard, his auburn pubes waving in the breeze.

[kellykateneedsaholiday]

Bernard looked at her in that way, watched her bite her bottom lip, chucked his bottle of Bucky away and said seductively "gies a swatch of your funny"
Bev was so wet she slid of the chair onto him and gasped "your so sexy, gies a shag"