Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

This thread has made me laugh so much, it is fab.

i need to hear more

we should start a Mumsnet Comedy Roadshow

The Fanjo Diatribes....

Ahem, it was embassassing in the thread title.
I have amended.

the Fanjo Diatribes are what happens in this house when I am annoyed at DH

God, I love that bollocks story - a bit of chocolate sauce on the side, snort!

I have loads Ive probably forgotten, but one stands out.

After using my uni years dedicated to upping my vodka tolerance level, to my surprise I managed to get into a sought after postgraduate course. I turned up at the first lecture meet type of thing, looking around all the other students were very stiff and earnest and didnt look like very much fun. My suspicions continued to be confirmed throughout the day, and I started to have an inner dialogue with myself whenever anyone said anything vaguely arse kissy to the course leaders, like - yeah bollocks etc etc, that sort of thing. Anyway, one of the blokes there was boasting about his work experience in a particular city no one had heard of, and the lecturer asked 'Now where would that be??'. For some inexplicable reason I opened my mouth and answered - 'Up my arse'. It just came out.

Im cringing now as I type. The shocked looks off course leaders and students, I will take to my grave!

Dh just reminded me of one, we were moving house and my PIL were helping as they had a van.
my MIL took it upon herself to go and pack our bedroom, after consideralble amount of time she came down and said 'All your clothes and sheets and stuff are in suitcases, oh and your a-hem bedroom electricals are in that box there' yes she had found the vabrators and cock ring!

Hurrumph. Mumsnet Towers has obviously never come across the word embassassing.

Loud snort @ mrswill and totallybonkers. will someone please tell me how to put my snorts etc., into the commonly accepted pointy brackets please? I can't find them on my keyboard. Do I have an Aldi level keyboard instead of a Waitrose one?

FN, on my keyboard they are above the comma and the fullstop.

Not me, but by mother who, one particularly cold winters day greeted our local funeral director with "Hello. Gosh, isn't it freezing today? Still. Must be good for business!"

Why???! Why would anyone say that????

withorwithoutyou I have just pee'd a little laughing!

So they are Pixie. You do not want to know how many hours I have spent looking for those. Thank you.

On a long coach journey, dh sitting in the aisle seat next to me decided to have a drink from a 2 litre bottle he had brought a long for the day. (yeah, classy I know)

Unfortunately it exploded as he opened it, spraying all over himself, me and the people across the aisle alongside, in front and behind. That's not the funny bit.

In shock and panic dh had the superb idea for how to remedy the situation. Put the lid back on? Oh no, he put his mouth over the top of the bottle, sort of nodding his head and grunting in a kind of "it's ok, it's under control" way which also looked a bit like he was giving the bottle a BJ.

As I watched in disbelief and wonder as to what would happen next, I saw his eyes begin to water and his cheeks begin to fill out until finally the pressure was too much and he spat the whole lot out all over the same people who were sat watching him.

And nobody said a word.

Staying with BF (now DH) in the early days of our relationship, took the obligatory electric toothbrush, deoderant etc. At the same time I was selling my house and went to the estate agent taking my overnight things as I was the way to BFs house afterwards, half way through the meeting with the estate agent I hear a buzzing sound coming from my bag - as does everyone else in the agency on a busy Saturday morning! Realising that it sounds suspiciously like I have a vibrator in my bag I frantically fumble around desperately trying to switch it off instead I change the settings and it buzzes louder and faster Cue shocked look on the agents face and me trying to explain that I have a toothbrush in my bag.

I have never been as mortified... apart from the time I accidently told a consultant that his patients must be used to little pricks...

I had an embarrassing situation happen to me last week. I went to a friends house and we got talking about the kite displays that we had been to see last weekend. The trouble was I got my words mixed up and instead of saying stunt kite I said ,...'cunt stike' I was so embarrassed, especially as our 2 year old dc's were playing near when I said it.

My ds went for an induction type thing at a local nursery to see if he liked it, I was invited to stay too. I sat down at one of the kids table which happened to have play dough on with various baking trays etc.

A little boy came up to me and asked me to show him how to roll the play dough into a ball, i used both my hands and made a ball and said "like this, using 2 hands" the little boy replied "but i can't do that" only then did i notice that he had an artificial arm.

Only the other day this happened....
I bought ds one of those alien things in slime, he played with it on the table, got it everywhere so it went in the bin.

The following day i had to go and chat with the Head Teacher, and i went to Morrisons and Argos...only when i got home did i notice that i had stuck on my shoulder what resembled a greeny! ds had stuck some slime on my coat!

Another one..me and a friend aged about 7 or 8, we found her mums vibrator and waltzed across the road to my mum to ask what it was...the answer? a ear cleaner lmao...we accepted this answer and went and put it back.

God knows how my mum kept a straight face!

These are very good - will add one of my own!

On a uni trip to Germany, and a bunch of us young students (we were about 19/20yrs old at the time) got talking to some mature students who were studying at our uni too but who we didn't know very well. One of them in particular was asking lots of questions about hobbies/likes/dislikes, etc and discovered that amongst our group there was a keen photographer, a singer, a song writer and a guitarist.

"Wow, you're a talented bunch" he said and turned to me, "Eddie, do you have any special talents?" I hesitated and then replied, "no special talents, but I'm a damn good fuck"!!!!!

Everyone went completely quiet and just stared at me . I wasn't even drunk and have no idea why I said it! The poor guy looked mortified!

Just as a footnote, one of the other students who was there is now my husband, so maybe it wasn't far from the truth .

Brilliant thread. Have been laughing my arse off.

Not as good as some on here but heres mine:

Was having a really rough time of it about a year and a half ago. Best friend/ cousin decided to treat me for a night away down the country, booked a hotel, had a treatment, went for dinner and then out on the town.

Met a stag night from the UK (we're in Ireland), lovely guys - she hit it off with one, Im married and they were all so lovely to me, made me "honory stag member". Anyway, spent the whole night out with them. I bumped into old friends I knew from years ago and split up (stupid, I know) with cousin as she was with this guy.

I went back to our hotel room and they both were there, I fell (drunk) into single bed and they were in double. they didnt have sex but slept in the same bed. She was really embarrased next morning and completely ushered him out of room, he stood awkardly at the door for a min, think he was trying to get courage to ask for her number but she hurried him along.

Anyway, she regretted it later and (probably still a little drunk) decided to email his hotel, it read:

Dear xxxx hotel,
I would greatly appreciate it if you could please forward the following message to one of your guests. His name is Richard. I do not know his second name. He is on a stag do. One of his friends name is James and James is getting married to a girl called Sarah.

Richard, I really enjoyed last night. Im sorry for the way I behaved this morning. If you would like to give me a call my number is xxxxxx.

Kindest Regards
xxxxxx

PML... I would have loved to see the staff at the hotel reading that one. She was mortified as soon as she sent it.

I also walked through my entire office one day, met loads of men on the way and was very smug/ disgusted at how pervy they all were - staring at me. Stopped to talk to very cute male colleage who looked very embarrased outside toilet. Went to toilet, walked all the way back up when female burst out laughing and pointed out how the split on my skirt had ripped all the way up to my waist band and my thong ridden arse was hanging out....

Loving these

aged 16, I was on an orchestra/choir trip to our twinned school in Germany, in late August which was just at the start of the Scottish school year. I was lead cellist which meant I was at the front of the stage closest in to the conductor.

On this trip was a boy who could. not. sing. for. toffee. but was really very sweet and (it later transpired) had joined the choir in his final year of school so that he'd get on the list to go on the trip, ie by the time we went, he was about to start medical school [swoon]. And therefore getting on the trip to go to Germany with me was at least an 8 month project for him.

In the final concert the second half was the choir which we were both in but for the first half orchestra bit he sat in the second to front row about as close to me as you can get. At the end of the piece when we stood up for the really keen German parents clapping, he was grinning at me. (It was only at this point in the whole trip it was starting to dawn on me that he liked me).

So I took a very slow, gracious, soloist type of bow. Even as I started to bend forward I was thinking 'no! no! don't do it!' but I was committed... and stood back upright.. slowly, smiling inanely serenely. I think I got away with it had nice friends who never mentioned it.

Have another one - my cousin again - just to add a disclaimer that she is not homophobic, just a tool.

At a big family party, 2nd cousin is gay and brought his gorgeous long term partner, I get on really well with him (partner) and was sitting with him for ages giggling etc.. I got up to talk to someone else, leaving him and cousin on their own at same table. Cousin said she doesnt know what she was thinking, silence was deafing after I left with all my chatting, she couldnt think of anything to say and eventually just turned around and said "so, how do you's do it?"

....................................

Oh dear..

When my middle son was about 3 we went out for lunch in a little local cafe/coffee shop. A family came in and sat a couple tables away from us, with a VERY VERY overweight Dad. So overweight that I'm surprised he was out of the house and upright TBH.

Anyway, despite being kicked under the table and glared at, and despite my desperate attempts to distract him and shut him up, my son talked very loudly about how fat the man was, and stared very obviously, and wouldn't stop, until poor DH was forced to abandon his food and take the child outside, (to whip him) whilst the rest of us gulped our food as quickly as we could then made a hasty exit.

when I was about 10 or so we had a yorkshire terrier, lovely dog but very yappy, and HATED the postman/lady.
anyway she was so little she could squeeze through the bars in the gate so we had to watch her when we put her outside.
one morning I was the first one up so put her out for a wee, and put my toast under the grill. was watching her for ages and toast started to burn so went to attend.
next thing I know I hear a very familliar yapping, so went to investigate, yes I was our dog chasing after the post lady. In total panic (and still in my very tatty nighty) I go chasing after her, shouting 'oi leave my dog alone' when it was quite clear that the dog was having a go at her not the other way round!