Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

by Nicky Campbell on Radio 5 makes me cry with laughter every time I hear it.

I'm a teacher and I was joking about an area near where I was brought up that had an awful reputation for inbreeding and people having 'six fingers' (God knows how they got me on to that subject, but in my defence, they were 18 year old A Level students and we were chatting about reputations....)

Anyway, I suddenly realised that it wasn't an appropriate thing to be chatting about. I said 'oh my God, there's no one here from X is there?' blushing.

One of the lads piped up 'no Miss, but I do have six fingers'

And he did

Hoot! What an excellent thread, I've only just found it.

We live abroad and recently travelled back to the UK for a close friend's wedding. Her mother, who I have met about a dozen times in over a decade, came over at the reception and said, "Oh, it's lovely to see you and I want you to know it is SO wonderful and we appreciate it so much that you could travel ALL this way to be here on X's big day." I nodded my head towards her and replied, "Yeah, same." WTF?

I used to work in professional sport and a journalist arrived who had an appointment with one of the athletes I represented. My apology for this athlete being a bit late? "Yeah, sorry he's having an unusually long massage today, but he'll be coming any minute."

I've been learning the language of the country we moved to and got a bit mixed up with when to use "is" and "have", and also caught out by the pronunciation of the word for the number 6 ("sex"). I was in a relatively new job and telling a client how inconvenient it was for the workload that in an office of only 6 staff, BOTH of the women, including me, were pregnant at the same time. I jovially said the equivalent of "Do you know, in our office we only have sex and both of the women are pregnant, what do you suppose are the odds of that happening?"

zoelikesjam , I know of a very similar story of a boy stealing a penguin, surely it must be the same one?!

teameric if it was from Twycross zoo then it probably is :D It was all over the newspapers if i remember rightly!!!

I've heard it too.. it's an urban legend.

See Snopes

:o:o Midnightsun.

My friend's mum was a headteacher at the local infant school. One day some of the kids were being really naughty and as she was passing the classroom, the (new) class teacher got her to come in and tell them off. She told them all to stop what they were doing and sit down, and when one of them ignored her, she snapped: "What's the matter, are you deaf?" There was silence until one of the other kids piped up "that's right miss". Only then did she clock the hearing aid on the child's ear. He was, indeed, profoundly deaf.

I invited my DH (when we had been going out about 6 months) to my posh gym on a day pass. After a workout in the gym we agreed to meet in the jacuzzi. I left my glasses in the changing room and waited for him, not being able to see very well, in the jacuzzi. There was an aqua aerobics class going on in the pool next to the jacuzzi. Suddenly I heard an uproar from the pool, with a load of women killing themselves laughing. I then looked up to see the shape of a man approaching. I then noticed that the man was stark bollock naked. I then noticed it was MY man! 'Oh my god' said I. 'You've got no clothes on'. He looked down, reeled in horror and sprinted back to the changing room with his hands over his bits. With the whole aqua aerobics class screaming in laughter.
I was horrified.
To his credit he put his swimming trunks on and came back out and apologised to everyone.
His explanation was that he had had a shower before going to the jacuzzi and 'well you don't have your shorts on in the shower'. How he then forgot to put them on afterwards I will never know.
Thankfully he has never done anything as shameful since. I can't hear the words aqua aerobics without sniggering, however.

I know this is an old thread, but I have only just found it and loved it.

This was my most mortifying moment.

We were in France, and it was very, very hot. So, I was sleeping naked. We were also sleeping late every morning on holiday, so staying up late at night. This is to set the tone for us all still being up at midnight, though I was lying naked in bed reading a book.

DD came in to say goodnight and started tickling me and accidentally kicked me in the leg when I tickled her, and dislocated my kneecap. Not only is this very sore, it is almost impossible to fix yourself, and very few paramedics will attempt to sort it, and insist on you going to hospital.

We were staying in the middle of nowhere, so while DH got painkillers and the only frozen goods we had - paella! - to wrap round my knee, and DD sobbed cos she felt guilty, DS had to run to a nearby farm to raise the alarm. We had no idea how to give directions to our very rural location in French.

The farmer spoke no English, so had to come in to the bedroom to see for himself what was wrong. Have I mentioned that I was naked (okay, covered by a sheet by this point) and couldn't get fully dressed cos of the whole dislocated knee bit.

By the time he phoned for an ambulance and the paramedics got there, I had wriggled a pair of knickers on, and shorts up as far as my knees, together with getting the top half dressed.

The paramedics, who looked no older than my son, refused to attempt to fix the knee. They also refused to give any pain relief, simply strapping me into a stretcher as I was to cart me off to hospital.

They then dropped me going down the stairs and bumped the stretcher off the wall, but that knocked the knee back in. At which point I unstrapped myself, dived to my feet, to their horror, and yanked up my shorts! I then succumbed to any other treatment they wanted to give me, shredded dignity restored slightly.

Thank you, I know it's an old thread but it has cheered me up no end when I've been in bed all day feeling awful. It has even made up slightly for the fact that I stepped deftly into my sick bowl when getting out of bed this afternoon.

I was on the (dog-friendly and quiet) beach with my dog and a friend when I was a teenager. My friend and I were chatting and not really paying much attention to my dog, who was amusing himself having a swim, rolling in rotting seaweed, that kind of doggy entertainment. Suddenly there was all this yelling from further down the beach, and I realised to my absolute horror that my (normally impeccably behaved) dog was having a wee on a man's sandals (thankfully he wasn't actually wearing them). My friend and I were absolutely mortified, but somehow (being teenagers, although that's no excuse) this came out as helpless, hysterical laughter, rather than being able to do something useful like call the dog back or go and apologise. To make matters worse, I then realised that the man had Down's Syndrome, and was obviously with his parents. His mum had to wash the sandals off in the sea, but I was so hysterical with giggles (I promise through mortification rather than actually finding it funny). By the time I'd been able to pull myself together enough to go over and apologise without risking bursting into giggles in their faces, they'd packed up and left. My friend and I were so embarrassed -
I am blushing typing this fiftenn years later . They must have thought we were such awful people and I just hope they didn't think our reaction had anything to do with him having Down's. Ahhhhhh, mortified thinking about it.

If, by any chance, you know who this poor man was, please apologise to him from me...

have just read the whole thread and upset the dog a bit by howling loudly Especially at the State Damp, and FNs rather rude intrusion with her Floppy Navy Hat

I haven't got any as I have a highly selective memory am very sophisticated. But my DH is well known for being an idiot little mishaps.

On introducing him to my friends for the first time (after arriving horribly late) he pointed out my friends BF has a flat pint and proceeded to demonstrate the 'Bang One Glass On Top Of Another And It Fizzes Your Pint' Trick.

At which point he smashes the glass covering all assembled in shards of glass and a full pint of, by this time, rather bubbly lager.

On another occasion we were at a vv posh society christening, at the end there were photos of the family/vicar/font/baby. DH weilds his camera and, in the spirit of 'lets get everyone to smile but cheese is boring' shouts loudly 'EVERYONE SAY BOOBIES'. In the photo they were, unsuprisingly, stony faced, apart from the Vicar, who was openly giggling

I'm sure more of his will come to me

i was at my best friend's wedding and at the evening celebration was a bit overcome by the happy emotion of it all. I was reflecting on what a lovely day it was and how lovely her family are when i was in the ladies. On the way out of the ladies i bumped into her brother's fiance. I clasped her hands about to tell her that she was so lucky to be marrying into such a warm and wonderful family....when I remembered that he hadn't yet proposed (some kerfuffle about a ring), and she was very much still the girlfriend. I swallowed my original speech, and with my eyes shining with tears and a voice ragged with emotion (still clasping her hands) said...."there isn't paper in every cubicle".

Even now she gives me a wide berth at events! (they are now married!)

One of my worst gaffes was when I was doing some voluntary work at a local charity. Now, we don't have very many black people in the area, so it's not often you see anyone who is black. Anyhoo, I sometimes greeted visitors who came into the centre, and this one particular day, there was a man who came in who was of African origin and quite dark skinned. I welcomed him and offered him a cuppa, to which he asked for tea. Instead of asking him if he wanted milk like I normally do, I turned around and asked 'black?' then cringed, cringed and cringed again as he said 'no I would like milk please'. argh!!!

I was working on my Market stall, just before Christmas.'i happened to glance at a passing pedestrian, and it was an ecxeptionally masculine woman. I instantly thought 'man'!
I carried on with what I was doing, and a few seconds later, realised I had a customer. Subconsciously, I must have recognised 'her' as quite without thought, I said, 'can I help you SIR'! The minute it was out I was mortified! She was very kind and said 'actually its madam'. Cue me grovelling 'i'm terribly sorry, I didn't actually look, I just said it' 'obviously it is madam, you are wearing pink' 'my last customer was a man, I was just being brain dead'!
At this point, the lady said, 'it is madam, but let's just say I was born in the wrong body'!
At this point, she bought some cheese and leftZ I wished the ground would open up and swallow me!

Actually, GetOrf, I do routinely call the kids "small people". It's because of that famous BBC trailer thing years back where a little boy who looked like a miniaturised Ian Hislop went on and on about the programmes the BBC produces for the small people.

majesticscallop, that minaturised ian hislop is in fact my cousin! He is now 18, and looks nothing like ian hislop, lol!

Well I work in childcare and was in the process of being observed by an NVQ Assessor. Oe of the little boys decided to play up and I decided to try a new approach.
So I said "I think you had better start behaving mr or I will have to show you my naughty spot".
Cue lots of hysterical giggling from me...

for some reason, 'holding his minstrels' tickles me the most!

i sold rocks and gems and was debating with a customer the merits of prefering tumbled/ polished quartz crystal to unpolished ie in its natural state..' 'oh i always love it rough' i exclaimed, then immediately realised what i said and laughed. and couldn't stop. Going redder and redder till the tears came out. Colleague and customer watching me in horror. The woman didnt crack the slightest smile and left in silence

When I was 13 I was invited to a posh girls pool
party. I managed to put my swimming costume on back to front it had cross over straps, so my bee sting breasts were proudly framed as I strutted out of the changing room! AND I had to be told, I didn't even realise!

Oh the shame hasn't yet faded.

New job restoring antique furniture. It's been a busy day and I've had to run to the workshop. Boss is there with clients and I barge through the door and, breathing heavily, pant: "I need a screw".

Cue stifled laughter.

Boss kindly offers a lifeline by saying, straight-faced, "what sort of screw?"

"A long one," I mumble.

C.r.i.n.g.e

My office is in a close with several other big offices. One day outside the station, I had missed the bus (train was late), so I asked a few guys from one of the other offices if they wanted to share a black cab. I sat in the folding seats, with a 50-something man in front of me. I forgot to put the seat belt on, and as we were going down the hill, the taxi had to break. I fell off the seat, onto my knees, head forward into the man's lap and hand forward to stop me falling, but instinctively grabbing him round the waist. All this took about 3 seconds, but you can imagine what it looked like. My colleague who was with me almost pissed himself laughing. The man in question put his arms up, as in saying "I didn't do anything!!". Needless to say, we never shared a taxi again.

a couple of years ago i had been scuba diving (for first time in years and was probably still v jetlagged) and climbed back on the dive boat. I say climb..more slip and stagger on the wet sides, was very disorientated and also had a nose bleed...just as this was pointed out to me, i slipped forward and my face landed smack into the (very fit) divemasters groin. To make matters worse, i clutched his waist to stop myself slipping further (which my mate, pissing herself, said looked like a real moment of lusty passion) and when i removed head out of crotch there was my face imprint in blood...i had to avert my eyes the whole trip back to mainland...

sorry JustAnother, didn't try to steal your funny story but you reminded me

sorry JustAnother, didn't try to steal your funny story but you reminded me

ok few from me...

years and years ago, my engagment party...
my parents meet for the 1st time my in laws.
small talk about the weather etc...

THEN
my MIL: oh i think we should stop with that mr and mrs...
my mum : oh no we cant do that!!! you are a lot older then us!!

another one...

5 years ago i started my new job. i was very proud and excited about it.my main job was to deal with ceo from the local council (our main client)..
one day he called me to talk about our performance and some other rubbish. everything was going well and then i said:

me: thank you very much i will speak to you tomorrow,
ceo: said ok no problem bye
me: LOVE YOU BYE!!

i dont know why i said that, but i was so worried i will get sacked for that!!