Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

On one of the very few occasions that I took my dog to the school gate to collect DCs, he cocked his leg and wee'ed all some poor man's suede shoes and trousers.

DH was talking to my mum. Her sister had been diagnosed with cancer (thankfully, she recovered) and we were all very concerned about her. DH meant to ask about the sister's blood count, but what came out was, "So, how's her cunt?"

The look on my mum's face was priceless.

The funny thing was that no matter how many times my flustered DH repeated, "No, no I meant count!" it still sounded like cunt.

Age 14 and living in Paris. Got myself a frech boyfriend who was a few years older than me, so of course I wanted to show how grown up I was. We went out for a meal and to the cinema with one of his friends. After the meal they had a smoke. Offered me one. Of course I couldn't say no - didn't want to look uncool . Dragged away on my Marlborough Red. Wasn't used to smoking. Pulled a whitey and had to leg it to the loos to vomit. Was in there for ages trying to get my head together. They must have known something was up .

Then off to the cinema we go. In the queue for tickets. More cigarettes offered. Did I turn it down? Nope. Puffed away again. Then sitting in the cinema, uh oh. I turned away, hand over mouth, managed not to spray the row in front with vomit, but swallowed it back down instead.

Next one. While backpacking round Australia my mates persuaded me to enter a wet t-shirt competition. That in itself is embarassing enough, however when it was my turn to go on stage I decided to keep my high heeled shoes on, slipped on the water and ice all over the floor, fell flat on my face in front of the whole crowd.

But did I retreat to lick my wounds? Oh no, I made it through to the next round. So back on stage I went and...yep, fell over again. These weren't delicate little slip ups either. I smacked my face on the ground, had massive bruise all down my cheek.

A few years on. DP and I get on flight from Perth to Sydney, a bit worse for wear from a boozy last night of our holiday. We'd been campervaning around the west coast, and for some reason decided to keep an open box of washing powder in our hand luggage. Said box gets put in overhead locker along with some magazines. Before flight takes off I ask DP to get a magazine down. He's rummaging around and, in his hungover state, doesn't realise that he's knocked over the box of powder, which is now raining down on the man sitting in front of us. For some reason I just sat there unable to speak, watching this poor man getting covered in washing powder. He then realised what was happening. Tried to brush as much of the powder off as possible, but it was all down his neck, in his hair... He had to sit for the entire flight (six hours ) like that. There was powder all over the floor in the aisle. The flight attendants had to get a vacuum to clean it up, which delayed the flight .

We couldn't apologise enough, but the man was so gracious and did not get arsey at all, which just made it even more .

I've done so many embarassing things. Mostly involving alcohol in some way. Things have been much calmer since becoming a parent and not going out on benders any more .

I have a very good male friend who was a bit of a player. In his younger days he was out clubbing, bumped into a school mate he hadn't seen for several years, was chatting with him for a few minutes - school mate was standing next to a girl who was a bit on the larger side...

Anyway, my mate turns to the guy and says "Right, dump the fat bird, let's go pull some real women"..

Yes, you know what happened.

The mate said "that fat bird happens to be my wife"

One of my most mortifying events was really orchestrated by ds who at the time was just over 3. We were at senior workmates of dh's for a bbq, he was new to the job and was a chance to get to know them better. Ds needs to go to the toilet and is gone an awfully long time. Knowing that he is still fairly new to the toileting thing and that he is probably doing number 2's due to how long he is taking and therefore may need help, i knock on the door and ask does he need help. a rather panicky little voice pipes up "don't come in mummy!" Alarm bells start to ring as this is ds code for bad news. After much persuasion he lets me in and I discover the source of his panic. There are about a dozen empty open boxes of tampons scattered about and somewhat of a flood which is cascading from the toilet with sodden tampons floating forlornly around the bowl. What did you do?" It was actually blatently obvious what he had done and I could now see brown floaties interpersed amongst the tampons. Ds had seen the pretty boxes and decided they must be presents and had therefore opened them. He had unwrapped them all before deciding they must be little cylinders of loo paper and had used them as such, he had then tryed to flush!!! I scrambled desperately for how to handle the situation as the water, poos and soogy tampons lapped at my feet. I did what any self respecting person would, bundled ds out of there, grabbed dh and ran!!! Dh changed jobs soon after but if you read this and it was your toilet I am truely, deeply sorry.

arggh the memory has been magnified in my mind it was 1/2 dozen empty packets not a dozen not that it made the situation any better

Something happened to me yesterday evening in the middle of a row with dh. I wanted to calm down with a lovely deserved glass of wine so went into the garden. I sat on one of the garden chair and the bloody thing broke underneath me and I got stuck into the frame, my arse was actually touching the ground. I couldnt get out by myself, I had to ask dh to help me, you should have seen the grin he had

I had a similar cafe experience to FellatioNelson. When my ds was 3 we went to a small place to eat and in came a chubby man dressed in a black suit and hat. ds stood up, pointed and shrieked with delight "Look mummy it's the fat controller". Me looking the other way and saying shhh but he just kept getting louder, "but look mummy the fat controller is here". Man just looked down at the table.

Have just remembered another one featuring my brother and my poor SIL. They decided to host a BBQ for friends and SIL's work colleagues and brother and nephew aged 5 were on best behaviour.

That is until nephew decided to mingle:

NEPHEW: Are you X?
X: yes I am
NEPHEW: does mummy work for you?
X: yes she does
NEPHEW: why are you an idiot?
X: pardon?
NEPHEW: why are you an idiot? my daddy says you are an idiot and mummy should ignore you
BROTHER: shush, let's go and play
NEPHEW: daddy, why did you say X is an idiot?
BROTHER: shush shush Of course daddy didn't say that
NEPHEW: yes you did, you always say that aaaaaaaaaagh (as he was bundled out of the room)

okay.

you all know DH's being sick on the goldfish story.
but there's more animal madness.

one, when my twin DD's were about, i took them to our local pet shop, run at the time by the loveliest couple who let all the local kids traumatise stroke the animals. on this occassion the DD's were enamoured by the fluffy bunnies and the very small fluffy bunnies, some pygmy breed or something. anyway, after about an hour of petting, being spoilt rotten by the elderly shop owners, and general kiddy heaven, we drove home and ate dinner and got ready for bed. DD's were giggly, but not unusually so.
at bedtime, they got into the same bed and called me in for the usual story among their mountain of stuffed animals.
i started reading them a story when suddenly this rabbit LEAPT out of nowhere and landed on the bed.
they had stolen a rabbit.
actually, i tell a lie, they had stolen two rabbits, so 'she didnt get lonely' the other one was DD's rucksack, nibbling on a bit of hay/straw that DD had apparently had the kindness of heart to pop in.
can you imagine having to explain to a very lovely short sighted old couple that the wonderful little girls they had given cake and chatted to for an hour the previous day were BUNNY STEALERS?

noone ever believes me when i tell them this story either, they cant believe i could be such an inattentive mother not to notice two live animals being kidnapped under my nose.

once, at uni, me and my other friend were sitting in the hallway after an afternoon of celebrating finishing our exams, rather tipsy, and we started discussing our flatmates rather gorgeous dad [he had her when he was 17 AND he was italian. oh shallow minds]
after a lengthy speculation on how long his 'italian sausage' would be i got up to go to the kitchen to get more booze, passing said flatmates open doorway as i did so and catching the eye of her dad and her entire family who'd been listening to every word...

Heh heh lemony - that's very funny.

Did you take the bunnies back or pay for your DDs to keep them? I can fully believe that, if they had a rucksack on them, it would be easy to pop two pygmy bunnies in without you noticing. They must have been marvellously good tempered though!

Mention of Ray Davies reminds me of one that happened to a friend of a friend...

He was working for an estate agent and was sent out to value a property. As he was shown around the various rooms taking notes he seemed to be getting on well with the owner. He noticed that there were a lot of Kinks photographs, albums, etc., on display, so he said "So, are you a fan of the Kinks, then, Ray?"

[thud]

Arriving in a downpour, I told my (now) father-in-law that I was 'wetter than an otter's pocket'. He wisely said nothing, although I'm sure he thinks I'm a right knob.

And my poor friend at work is still flushed having been overheard asking the snacks delivery man if he would like her to 'hold his minstrels'...

Oh yours was funny alright. Really funny!

pmsl at oi leave my dog alone i actually can't type

I have verbal diarrhea.

When I was about 15 I asked my 85 year old aunt, who has never even been kissed by a man, and about as straight laced as they come, whether she had ever considered getting her nipple pierced. WHY??? She didn't speak to me again.

After the birth of my daughter, she was in the neo natal unit overnight. I went to feed her first thing in the morning and she was fine - we discovererd she coould come back to the ward with me. Very grateful to all of the staff, I asked my husband in a loud, sleep deprived voice if he could remember to thank all of the wonderful paedophiles for me. Paediatricians, I meant paediatricians.

I was at a party with a legal company who were bidding for some work with the company I worked for, and instead of the normal small talk which normally functioning people manage on such occasions, I somehow managed to end up discussing in some detail how I fancied nazis. I don't - I thought Tom Cruise was kind of hot in Valkyrie, probably because of the uniform, and anyway he was a good nazi........well you can see how the conversation took a turn down the cul de sac called massively inapropriate things to talk about with posh lawyers at cocktail parties but could I stop talking and explaining my supposed predeliction for the third reich? could I manage to change the subject? Could I hell. I carried on, to increasingly shocked silence, for a good 10 minutes. It sill keeps me awake at night. I really don't fancy Nazis.

I had the same boyfriend for years on and off in my late teens-early 20s and he had quite a mad Polish family on his mum's side.

We went to a restaurant with his scary Polish granny and I couldn't think of anything to say to her. I noticed that she had lots of beautiful rings on her fingers and I wanted to draw her attention to my beautiful diamond ring that I had inherited from my grandmother.

To introduce the topic I said very loudly "Oh yes, my gran died recently".

Everyone stared at me and I didn't say anything else for a good while.

Two days later his gran dropped dead.

I hope I didn't put the idea into her head.

thumbwitch i took the bunnies back.
twin girls is enough without twin rabbits.
the old couple were so lovely and understanding as well.

i have raised monsters.

I was in Sainsbury's with ds age 2 sitting in the trolley. We were in a particularly crowded bit near the potatoes when he decided to ask me "Mummy, do you like willies?". "Well, they're alright", sez I, very cool and composed.

He also went through a phase of rhyming words, sometimes with interesting results. The most memorable by far was the classic phrase, trotted out with great sincerity on regular occasions (notably to his 75 year old grandmother) "Thank you wank you".

Dd was about 2 when she started pointing at things and shouting their name.

There's a big church nearby that she pointed at shouting "cock! cock! Mummy! Look at the big huge cock mummy!"

She meant the clock....

PMSL @ "wanking rating"

While working in a bar years ago when i was a student I was busily trying to get on with the night serving bar food, and being heckled regularly by a group of young business men types who thought they were hilarious. they eventually ordered, chicken wings, potato skins and the like. Anyway, when I came to serve the order,no one was acknowledging me standing there with armsfull of plates; cue me shouting loudly "four skins?" to the assembled busy bar and for some reason, didn't place the correct emphasis.........

FUCK A DUCK I have LOADS!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't think i had any when i started reading the thread but they've all come back to me in horrid glory! i FACKING hate you lot for reminding me of the 11 most horendous moments of my life!!!!!!!!!!

NUMBER 1 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - totallybonkers-We had the same with my MIL...but opposite...moved house and they helped us move, MIL and my step mum were upstairs shifting boxes, (and obviously decided to unload them) when MIL came down holding some lovely chunky(CLEAN!) anal beads...OMG!!!!!! MIL shouts(whilst waving them)

'mr likesjam not good enough for you then?'

I Died a little right there and then...cus she said it in front of my daddy and FIL whilst waving offending object!

NUMBER 2 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - hedgehogshoghedges-I seriously need to get an eye check...I read that as

'So I bought some hair removal cream, got out a hand mirror so I can see my (wild) pubes around my bum and sat on the bed, legs akimbo to apply it'

NUMBER 3 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - sex/neighbours incident- Just moved into new house...met new neighbours, seem lovely however im in the honeymoon period with now husband.....fucking him like no tomorrow...didnt realise id left windows open(boiling hot summer night!) Next day one of the neighbours knocks my door, very sheepish and red faced says

'most of the street listened to you shagging last night and we'd appriciate it if A. you shut your bloody windows and B you didnt make so much noise, your like a banshee wailing! ~Please will you keep it down as we are all single women and a little bit jelous!'

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

NUMBER 4 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - Darling son has a speach problem even at 5years old...outside school waving a huge stick round infront of everyone(including his head teacher who is a sodding hottie grrr...MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) he proceeded to yell

'mommy mommy, look at my humoungous DICK(OOOOH yes the little fucker can say humongous perfectly but not fucking STICK???) ...then ten seconds later told his teacher he was going to be a fire man and drive a fire fuck(cant say truck! wounldn't be a problem but...dot dot dot)...

'and mommy's uncle had a huge fire fuck and I watched the whole thing the other day.....(my uncle is a fireman btw!!!)

NUMBER 5 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - My lovely pissed sister who has no morals...on my hen do we come across a stag do. The stag is handcuffed to a midget dressed as a smurf.
Outside club having a doobi(ciggi) My sister proceeds to ask said little person if...

A. his cock is in proportion to the rest of his body

and

B. if she should be politically correct and...
call him a midget,little person or a dwarf...

I wanted the ground to open up! Thankfully he thought my sister was HIL-fucking-ARIOUS and she now knows the correct terms to address a DWARF(thats the right term 'parently)

NUMBER 6 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - Was just walking in to MacDonalds when DD walked upto an overwieght women and stated

'you should be on a diet not stuffing your face with mccies...your way to fat to eat burgers'
To which said women scarpered and i died a little more....

NUMBER 7 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - I had my beautiful show stopper rabbit manage to effin escape and at 7am was chasing her in my jama's on the green outside our house in full view of neighbours...only to realise my jamas are silky/lace and uterly see through

NUMBER 8 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - Had my first and only splif on a date! First EVER date with exoh and he rolled a splif on midday walking round a local town. I was mortified(led a sheltered life and a good girl me!) he would be told off but wanted to impress so bolshy,

'yea i've smoked before give it here'

Comes outta my mouth......i pulled a whitey on the PAVEMENT outside the chippy....EXOH never let me lkive it down and still thiniks its hilarious

NUMBER 9 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - AGED 3 I get on a bus with my mum and my all time favorite teddybear/doll...few stops later really really dark black dude gets o bus and i shout at the top of my three year old voice,
'MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!! He looks like my gollywog! Is he a real gollywog? MOMMY?!!!!'

My poor mother must have died a little more!!!!!!

NUMBER 10 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - lemonysweet-thats nothing, my friends/friends little one who has sever autism knicked a real life PENGUIN from a ZOO, twycross zoo to be exact...mum didnt realise till they got home and son insisted on a bath...he doesnt like baths normally but she complied...only to find him half hour later splashing about in her bath with a sodding penguin!!!!!

NUMBER 11 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - For many years i've been called

missy pissy pants

by my mum and step dad....after a NYE party at the age of 14 when i got pissed on advocate and pissed all over the stairs at home when step dad told me a joke and i laughed......evil bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok i'm done......I think!

Any more realistic ones, anybody?

A friend at my tennis club told he and his wife had just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

I said 'Blimey! Thats impressive these days. That either means you got the right person or just couldn't be bothered to do anything about it'.

He went quiet. He didn't say a thing. I thought 'shit, shit, shit'. Something else not to say again.