Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

snort at Psammead!

OMG Fellatio i'm crying with laughter here, so much so that dd's just stroked the siide of my face and said 'Ya ok, meme?'

See, that's why it's called style and beauty. The MNers in there don't bat a perfectly mascaraed eyelash at vulgar intrusions!

Do it Thomcat, I've heard it before but it's definitely worth another outing

Fellatio, I think I'd like to know you in RL

Thought of a couple more that are probably nowhere nearly amusing as vomiting on a duck...

Working on a building site as site secretary, walking across the courtyard that hadn't been finished, tripped over a stone and fell flat on my face cue 300+ builders applauding me.....

As a uni student (and after a night out) I pulled this lovely quiet guy and took him to my room.... we were chatting and kissing when all of a sudden I vomited all over his arms and hands.... I was sooo drunk I thought it was hilarious while he was running round in shock and looking a bit green.....

I do agree though that if you are going to say something inappropriate and interrupt a thread you should be wearing a navy rimmed hat

I went to a poetry reading group once where we were all sitting around a room in a circle and people took turns to read their favorites. At one point I felt an almighty sneeze coming on. I lunged for a tissue in my handbag so I could avoid spraying snot over everyone and pulled it out. Out with it came a tampon, which rolled across the floor and stopped right in the middle of the circle of people. Everyone stopped talking and stared at it. A trapdoor would have been handy.

'Everyone stopped talking and stared at it.'

My face is starting to hurt from laughing so much.

I am hysterical at this thread.

I have blocked most of mine out, but a nasty one that remains is when we went to church after I'd had DD.

Lots of oldies at our church - so people were coming over to cluck over her, we had communion, money collection etc

I thought it went well. DD scarcely made a peep. Until afterwards when I noticed the maxi maxi maternity pad that was sitting in the aisle beside me.

Right in the middle. You'd think someone would have kicked it away wouldn't you?

I had been suffering with a sore neck and carried deep heat spray in my bag for when it got really painful at work.

Sitting at my desk in a packed office, our Director was visiting our office that day and was sitting opposite me - he was very senior and always made me nervous.

Reached into my bag for a surreptitious spray of Deep Heat - I would normally use it in the toilets but I was really busy that day and didn't have time to go to the toilet before my meeting.

What I actually pulled out was my rape alarm - sprayed it and it emitted a really high pitched squeal directly into my ear. I screamed and threw the spary at the Director.

Ilovemydog - I am on CAT - but you can email me via [email protected]

What IS it with tampons and other sanitary products just seemingly LEAPING out at every opportunity? Are they sentient beings with a collective sense of really dark humour?

I was in WH Smith's a few months ago after having queued for quite a long time. In a huff I plonked my books and copy of grazia on the counter and immediately whipped out my wallet to be ready to pay.

After a little while as the sales assistant was fannying about packing the items etc - a good 30 seconds I'd say - I looked down and realised that an old tampon which had become unwrapped and grubby at the bottom of my handbag had attached itself to the zip of my wallet. It was proudly on display for all to see - especially to all the people in the queue behind me. In the haste to jam it back into my handbag I dropped it on to the floor.

I don't know why the fact it was a bit grubby makes it worse, but it does.

Can this go into classics please??

Me too Undertone - when I lived in London I had a job as a rep, with an expense account, so when we'd had a night out getting pissed teambuilding, it was perfectly acceptable to claim for the £15 taxi fare home. (Oh happy days, except for the fact I wasn't v good at sales. At all, if memory serves. Anyway..)

So one night we'd been particularly egregious and gone to one of those swanky sleb restauraunts and claimed for the meal, of course. In the taxi home I was phoning another rep to boast, got home, still chatting, taxi driver says loudly 'You left something on the seat.' Yep, there sitting proudly is the ubiquitous slightly grubby tampon.

Someone please come up with a non-tampon related one!

Oh I've just remembered one..

One birthday we went out to a club and a friend from school came along, who hadn't met one of my work mates before. So, in the style of Bridget Jones ('introduce people with an interesting fact about them') I duly said 'X, this is Y, I don't think you've met before. Y took it up the arse at uni. Y, this is X, she gave her boyfriend a blowjob while he was driving on the motorway.'

And then staggered walked off, introductions done. I have absolutely NO idea why I felt the need to say that.

This thread needs to be in Mumsnet Classics!
How do you nominate it?

You have to report it with 'please can this go in classics' using the 'report' button to the right of your name

I still cringe when I remember this..

I was 21 and in my first proper job, and off to my first proper meeting in my boss' car. On the way, he starts talking about how he needs a new car as this one is too small; when he pulls the passenger seat ahead so there's enough room for his child's legs it gets too cramped for his wife. He said that she can barely stretch her legs. I wanted to say that short-arse me never has the problem of cramped legs, but came out with "It doesn't take much for me to spread my legs." He just looked at me like this till I realised what I'd said and started explaining desperately! I was known in that office as the "girl who spread her legs" till I left a year later!

SIL is from South America but English is mostly excellent...

Brother and SIL described to us a recent dinner party in great detail next time we met up, all lovely, but the pudding was bollocks according to my bro.

Several months later they came back from a meal, SIL almost in tears and bro definitely crying with laughter.

Waiter had come to take dessert order, and poor SIL had confidently said "I cannot see it on your menu, but I really love bollocks, do you serve them?"

As waiter and the rest of the table were left totally silent, poor SIL perservered "you know, with lots of cream and maybe some chocolate sauce to be a bit naughty"

By this point everyone was giggling but still not really sure what she was talking about, and she became more and more agitated shouting at my brother "why are you laughing, what is so funny, you know I like bollocks, what is the joke?"

Seriously, I don't know how they are still married. It is one of his favourite stories to tell everyone they meet.

Aah, sorry girls but I have another tampon one for you. ~We once had a house that had an en-suite shower room, but no 2nd loo in there, because it was too far away from the wastepipe and it was too expensive to dig up the front of the house and fit another one. Someone told me about the wonder that is SaniFlo, with its built in macerating machine that basically chops up your poo and all the loo roll and sends it up a pressurised chute, and spirits it all away to I know not where.

Anyway, so we fitted one, and I was told QUITE CLEARLY that the one big no-no was putting tampons down it. Anyway, I won't bore you with what I did about three weeks later, but I had to keep a perfectly straight/innocent face when the poor 'Shit Blockage Removal Operative' came to solve my immediate messy problem. After sifting the contents of the mangled unit and baling out the loo he shook his head, and made several noises (of the sighing with exasperation variety), and said 'Madam, did no-one tell you you must not put sanitary products into your Saniflo system?' I then LIED through my teeth and pretended that we'd had friends to stay and they must have done it. He didn't buy me for a second, but was too polite to say so.

Actually, no I come to think of it, another cracker of a Shit/Tampon/Condom story is coming to me. Will save it for later.

I can only think of one bad gaffe i made and luckily only my best friend was there!
Her mum had started to be a cover supervisor at school and she was not happy at the thought of being taught by her mum. I thought it would be quite fun, if just to see her squirm, and replied "no, it would be well cool to be covered by your mum" (and I'm sure the fact that she was still digesting the news that i was gay didn't help matters)
I still remember the look she gave me now... oh the shame. I couldn't look her mum in the face when a few days later i went round for tea!

Yay! I've got a thred in classics!

WHAT embarrassing typo? What did I do?

Oh, and whoever said orgasmanism in bio, another friend did similar way back in year 8 I think it was.

Her: It's an orgasm (she meant organism)
All girls class: Hahahahahaaaaaaa
Male Teacher: (nervous laugh and red face)
Her: What?..oh I said it wrong...What's an orgasm?
Class: (laughing even harder)
Teacher: Well, an orgasm is when..

and he explained, by the end she was so red it was unbelievable and most of the rest of us were nearly on the floor we were laughing so hard

thread I mean. GET ME AN EDIT BUTTON (stamps foot in manner of cross child)

Hurrah! Thanks Olivia