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Original poster

He wants them for Christmas

231 replies

foreverdieting · 15/10/2014 10:29

Hi, my ex had an affair and left me and the kids (then 2 and 4) three years ago. Moved in with the other woman and they live just over an hour away. He has the children over night every other weekend and might have them for a week once a year. He's a good dad and even though they don't want to go initially they enjoy themselves once they are there. I've had them every Christmas since the break up as I feel that it was his decision to leave us and the kids should wake up in their home on Christmas morning.

Anyway he's saying he wants them Christmas eve and Christmas day. I've said that he could come and get them after lunch on Christmas day so we both get to see them. This isn't good enough for him. The thought of not seeing my children Christmas morning breaks my heart, I'm sitting here sobbing trying to ignore his text messages. I don't have any family nearby but do have a boyfriend now who will be here xmas day so I know I won't be on my own. What do I do???

OP posts:
HeadDoctor · 15/10/2014 10:47

It's fairly normal to share Christmas. I've taken it in turns for the last 6 years. I actually prefer to have them in the afternoon so I know they're coming rather than spending all of Christmas morning dreading them leaving.
It's crap and it's hard and you'll probably sob your heart out but you have to separate what he did to you from his contact with the children.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/10/2014 10:51

It is fairly normal to share Christmas, but kids should be in the family home on xmas day.
Tell him he can have them either later on xmas day and boxing day and then you have them xmas eve and xmas day.
I don't think you get to call the shots when it is you that has left the family home.
I hope you get it sorted OP, don't let him guilt trip you into it and chances are he isn't satisfied collecting them after dinner because he'll want a drink.

starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 10:58

I am afraid the affair is a red herring and nothing to do with the children. I left my Ex because of domestic abuse the fact who left is not relevant. To be honest I think the fact you have had them every christmas so far you have been lucky. I do understand how you feel . I would hate not to be with my DC on christmas day but he has for the last 3 years. From what I have seen work best seems to be a 2 year rotation

Original poster
foreverdieting · 15/10/2014 11:04

Thanks, deep down I think they will end up going to his. It just feels so unfair.

It sucks that I do everything, all the crappy bits, the nagging etc and he sees them for 48 hours a month and gets all the good bits. I told him that you get out what you put in and his reply......"if you don't want to be primary carer I'll drop everything and they can come and live with me". He's a bully. You're right though HeadDoctor I need to separate what he did to me from his contact with the kids. It's hard though!!

What do I tell the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
foreverdieting · 15/10/2014 11:07

When I say i've had them every Christmas since the break up, I mean they've woken up here. The first one he stayed at a hotel nearby and we actually spent the day as a family (wierd I know) and the last 2 he's got the kids in the afternoon on Christmas day.

OP posts:
HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 15/10/2014 11:21

There is no reason for you to have to share. For him to have them after Christmas lunch is more than reasonable.
My cousins have stayed with their DM every Christmas Day for years now. Ex has them every Boxing Day. It's now the fixed pattern for them.

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/10/2014 11:42

Christmas Day can be whichever day you want it to be. ExH and I share Christmases, but DD have our Christmas Day on another day when she is with him. We do presents, big meal everything on a day of our choosing we love it.

glenthebattleostrich · 15/10/2014 11:46

So he gets half of Christmas day? In that case he's being an arsehole.

Tell him they will be available from 1pm, as usual.

3xcookedchips · 15/10/2014 13:04

It never ceases to amaze me the sense of ownership some parents have over their children. The children have two parents.

The fact that he left you does not mean the children should miss out on ever spending xmas morning with their father.

One year with you, one with their father - this is fair on the children. And when they're old enough they'll walk with their feet.

This is what reasonable seperated parents do, and when they do disagree and end up in court, typically will be ordered.

Whats in the best interests of the children, not whats in the best interests of the parents.

mamas12 · 15/10/2014 13:16

I know how you feel so as it is about the Dcs I would keep doing what you are doing they need to have a normal Xmas with you and then go after lunch
That is the only fAir thing emotionally for them

cestlavielife · 15/10/2014 14:15

there is no rule which says kids should be/wake up in in the family home on xmas day . some kids will be abroad or on holiday or with grandparents or whoever.

share the day/days; do xmas with them on diff day .

starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 17:13

It never ceases to amaze me the sense of ownership some parents have over their children. The children have two parents.

This is a little harsh. OP never imagined Christmas without her children and I know the thought of waking up without my child would be painful.

DaisyFlowerChain · 15/10/2014 19:45

I imagine the DH never imagined it either starlight Hmm plus he has to wake up most days and not see them. It doesn't matter who ends the relationship, both are still parents and the children deserve an equal relationship with both. Neither is more important.

A judge would usually grant every other christmas to each so OP has been lucky so far.

CateBlanket · 15/10/2014 19:51

What do the kids want?

He walked out on two very young kids therefore he doesn't get to call the shots. However, if the children fancy spending Xmas with him, maybe give it a go.

JabberJabberJay · 15/10/2014 19:54

My ex and I separated last year.

Last Christmas, I had the children for Christmas. This year, he will.

Will I miss my children on Christmas morning? Desperately. Am I sad I won't get to see them open their stockings? Absolutely. But those things are about me not them. I know my ex will give them a good Christmas and they'll have a lovely time with their grandparents and cousins.

I've told the DCs they'll be spending Christmas with their dad. I was upbeat and they are excited about it.

starlight1234 · 15/10/2014 20:15

JabberJabberJay sid exactly what I was trying to say except my Ex doesn't see DS at all so can't say I know how it will feel.

Whatever21 · 15/10/2014 23:11

It sucks - I provide 95% of the child care all year round and the only time EX demands child care is on the night before their birthdays and on XE and XD.

It sucks - last year he had them, this year I am. Sadly he has now realised his new DC will not have either sets of sibs around and wants them again - go and suck my friend - should have though about that before.

It hurts like hell but you let the DCs know both sets.

Oh an 3xcooked chips - I have a sense of ownership because so far this year, I have done child care for all but 11 days, by Xmas it might have maxed at 15/365. I have wiped, bums, scraped puke, laughed, cried, celebrated, listened to, clothed, fed and cared for my children holistically, regardless of my needs, wants etc. Why do I and the DCs have to take the rough and he wants all the highlights.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/10/2014 23:56

I often wonder if the people who come on threads like this and say "a judge would do xyz" or "the courts would" are actually judges and if not why they say it.

Because with stuff like this, you don't know what they would do. I see it thrown around about all sorts of random things from birthdays/Christmas to travel arrangements.

Its quite possible they may order alternate but its also quite possible they wouldn't. Stuff like this tends to get decided on a case by case basis.

Lots of different things are normal for lots of different families from never sharing Christmas Day, to splitting the actual day or both families together on the day,to alternate years, to the NRP only having Christmas week every year and the RP never having them Christmas week. All these arrangements for these families are normal just as the arrangements you have are normal.

BitchPeas · 16/10/2014 00:07

Say No, you can pick them up in the afternoon as usual. Repeat until he gets bored of asking.

Yanbu, you co parent so you are sharing Christmas Day. Don't let him make you think otherwise.

KneeQuestion · 16/10/2014 08:22

I think the arrangement you have had so far is fair, just say you will be sticking to that.

Even if he sought legal advice, the way you have been handling christmas over the last few years is reasonable, so I can't see him getting anywhere personally.

I used to spend christmas day with my Mum who I lived with, then on boxing day morning, I went to my Dads for christmas day part two, that worked for us.

3xcookedchips · 16/10/2014 08:45

Socks: you tend to come across quite angry when you come on to threads like these.

I'll repeat, whats best for the kids...

WannaBe · 16/10/2014 09:29

I have never understood this notion that when parents separate the children somehow become the property of the mother who gets to decide when the father gets to see his children... Hmm And no, I'm not talking about situations where the father makes a conscious choice not to see his children...

it is not about the "rights" of the parents, it's about the right of the children to have an equal relationship with both parents, and yes, that includes the right to be able to wake up at either home (and their father's house should be just as much their home as their mother's, however much that might grate) on Christmas/birthdays etc.

The reasons for the split are irrelevant - especially three years on.

And fwiw I do sympathise, as this year it will be xh's turn to have ds wake up at his on Christmas - and I am dreading it - but I know he'll come back to mine later in the day (he chooses to split the day between us) but Christmas can be however we want to make it - so no present opening until ds gets here and we can have a lovely Christmas meal any other day we want.

And yes, it's highly likely that a court would order alternate Christmas/birthdays because the courts now favour a more 50/50 approach as a starting point, so unless there is abuse or similar they will generally act from the point of view that a child has a right to an equal relationship with both parents. It's not about being rewarded for all the things you do as a parent...

NewEraNewMindset · 16/10/2014 09:44

I can totally understand OPs feelings here. She did not choose to end the relationship, so through the actions of her ex and his infidelity, he is now throwing his weight around re. residency. I imagine on year 1 and 2 he still had some feelings of guilt for what he had put his family through, obviously now he thinks everyone should be over it and has started to put his own feelings and desires at the forefront again.

Now call me a birch but I would play him at his own game and do what someone suggested up thread. Have two Christmas Days and you have yours on the morning of Christmas Eve. Do everything how you would on Christmas Day. Open your presents in the morning, have a turkey lunch with all the trimmings and then he can come and pick them up in the evening when they are rammed full of Christmas food and excitedly playing with their toys.

NewEraNewMindset · 16/10/2014 09:46

*bitch

NickiFury · 16/10/2014 09:53

I think your current arrangement is totally fair and that is how it would continue. I'm facing this myself this year, we have always been amicable before now and flexible about christmas arrangements but we are now divorcing formally and I have told him I will be having them this year, him next. He prefers to get pissed up with his mates usually for Christmas so hopefully he will have forgotten by next year and I will still get them.