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Lone parents

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Original poster

He wants them for Christmas

231 replies

foreverdieting · 15/10/2014 10:29

Hi, my ex had an affair and left me and the kids (then 2 and 4) three years ago. Moved in with the other woman and they live just over an hour away. He has the children over night every other weekend and might have them for a week once a year. He's a good dad and even though they don't want to go initially they enjoy themselves once they are there. I've had them every Christmas since the break up as I feel that it was his decision to leave us and the kids should wake up in their home on Christmas morning.

Anyway he's saying he wants them Christmas eve and Christmas day. I've said that he could come and get them after lunch on Christmas day so we both get to see them. This isn't good enough for him. The thought of not seeing my children Christmas morning breaks my heart, I'm sitting here sobbing trying to ignore his text messages. I don't have any family nearby but do have a boyfriend now who will be here xmas day so I know I won't be on my own. What do I do???

OP posts:
AlbaGuBrath · 17/10/2014 18:05

I've seen the child at the fathers.

TortillasAndChocolate · 17/10/2014 18:47

The thing is bf, the situation never would have been reversed. I would never have left my ExH at home with our baby while I went to hotel rooms with another man. I wouldn't have walked out and left my DS with him without warning. There's a hell of a lot more I wouldn't have done that's not relevant to this thread, and is private to be honest. So it's a pointless comparison.

But if for some reason I had decided to abandon my whole belief system and behave like that, then I certainly wouldn't expect my ex to do the lion's share of the parenting then swoop in and take him for one of the best days of the year.

wannabestressfree · 17/10/2014 18:55

Well said tortillas.

Ledkr · 17/10/2014 19:42

Absolutely tortillas!

HeadDoctor · 17/10/2014 19:51

But again, that's confusing the two issues.

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 20:30

Yes because never has the mother cheated on the father .

But why doesn't he see them 2 nights at the weekends?

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 20:32

oh and yet again its not about what the father swooping in - its about your child deserving to see his father - and wake up in his other home some christmas mornings too

clam · 17/10/2014 20:33

Of course it's confusing the two issues. But they're very relevant to each other.
If my kids didn't want to go somewhere for Christmas, and I had an ex who'd behaved as this one has, then over my dead body would I play nice with him. He can fuck right off.

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 20:35

the OP says the dad is a good dad and the children enjoy their time there

HeadDoctor · 17/10/2014 20:38

Then you run the risk of your children resenting you for taking your anger at him out on their relationship with him.
As I said before, as the child of an adulterer and the mother of children whose father had an affair, I still think sharing Christmas (and everything else) is the best thing. And that includes the father pulling his weight more too. But two wrongs don't make things right. They just leave the children in the middle of a battle they didn't ask for.

WakeyCakey45 · 17/10/2014 20:38

I tend to agree - given that the DCs already have limited opportunities to "make memories" with their Dad, the fact that it was their Mum who prevented them from creating Xmas morning memories with their Dad will have even more of an impact when they are adults.
And, given what an arse he is, I imagine ex would have no problem "sharing" the OPs emails refusing his request for Xmas.

Sometimes, you have to accommodate their twatishness.

clam · 17/10/2014 20:39

Yeah, well I've heard all sorts of no-marks described as "good dads" on here - usually because they manage an hour in the park on a Saturday afternoon, so forgive me for not celebrating that one.

She actually said that they don't want to go, but enjoy it once they get there. That wouldn't be good enough for me to send them there for the whole of Christmas. He's never managed to do two nights on the trot the rest of the year, so why should he get the privilege then?

clam · 17/10/2014 20:41

"Sometimes, you have to accommodate their twatishness."

Er, no you don't!

HeadDoctor · 17/10/2014 20:42

Because it isn't about him! It's about the children.
I don't do anything I do to please my ex husband who knocked someone up 6 weeks after leaving me, while we both still lived in the marital home. If I did, he'd never have seen them. I don't do it for him. I do it for the children.

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 20:46

so she suggest the opposite of last year - they spend xmas eve and xmas day until after lunch then they go to mums for afternoon

but would op allow 2nights at weekends now or overnights in the week as she hasn't answered questions on that yet

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 20:47

miceinthemouseorgan you sound like THE loveliest StepMum ever :) Flowers Cake and Wine. I hope that if you and MrMouse do decide you want children that you have a happy house full of them and that DS loves being a part of that x

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 20:47

DSS

TortillasAndChocolate · 17/10/2014 20:49

'His other home' - obviously that's a great ideal scenario that kids feel like they have two homes. In reality, that's not always the case. Even for a lot of kids who do enjoy seeing their NRP, they still don't in any way regard it as another home. It's their other parent's house that they visit. Not for all kids obviously, but for a Iot of them.

I love my dad to pieces, but I used to prefer having Christmas at my mums. It just felt more like our christmas. Partly because my dad always spent it with his girlfriend's (now wife's) family so we would always be following their traditions instead of ours... I still liked being with my dad, but definitely preferred being with my mum, grandparents, cousins etc.

The thing is, we can all offer our opinions and our experience but in the end, everyone is different and no two situations are exactly the same. There's no 'right' answer.

The OP doesn't sound unreasonable to me. I think splitting the day is a good compromise.

Maybe we all get a bit too caught up in that one day, I don't know. It's bloody hard. Let's face it, most kids given the choice would spend the day with both their parents together and happy. My DS certainly would and he doesn't even remember us being together. Sadly we can't all give them that. There's no magical solution where everyone's happy.

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 20:55

bf1000

He has chosen to live over an hour away with the OW (making mid week contact near to impossible).

... and the OP is upset that he only has them one week of the holidays.

... and she said he sees them for 48 hours a month ... I told him that you get out what you put in

None of that leads me to think she is the one restricting contact Hmm

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 20:59

well then she could suggest he sees them more and they'll look at next christmas if the children get more time there

TortillasAndChocolate · 17/10/2014 21:03

Bf, what have overnights in the week and two nights at weekends got to do with Christmas contact?? Why would the OP need to 'answer questions on that'? (Sounds like an interview!) Are you just trying to imply she is making contact difficult?

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 21:08

No - posters are saying and op says that the father doesnt deserve / children dont need to spend xmas at their dads because dad doesnt step up see them enough on non special occations.

naturally both parents want time with their kids which is why it should be about the kids not the adults

TortillasAndChocolate · 17/10/2014 21:09

X post - I see what you're getting at. She could but I can't imagine it would go down well (although I don't know them, so who knows?). In fairness though, if I said that to my ex, I think he would be really angry and say I was mental if I thought he was going to wait for another year just to pass my test. Or something like that... (He'd then say 'i'll see you in court you ugly bitch' but that's another thread in itself Grin )

bf1000 · 17/10/2014 21:10

well court wouldn't make a difference till next year now as their wouldnt be enough time before this year

starlight1234 · 17/10/2014 23:32

There are a lot of comments of this thread applying personal circumstances to the OP .. which is how we generally judge things.

OP knows EX better than any one else. what children would want. There are some NRP who love and support their kids who just no longer get on with the other parent, may of treated the other parent very badly but the relationship but it is about the children.

As someone upthread said for a child the would be mum and dad all happy and enjoying a joyful family christmas.

My Ex when we were together spend xmas day off his face on drink and drugs rather than spend it with our son on his first christmas. He had no interest in my son and contact was only way of getting access to me.Contact stopped with my son years ago however I have to say over my dead body would my son spend christmas with someone who didn't care about him. Had his Dad cared about him and loved him , made him feel safe and secure for access I would hate it but would of shared christmas.

The problem with quoting the law/ courts indivual circumstances is not always in the best interest of the child. just because the courts say so doesn't make it right doesn't make it wrong either.. It is like everything the variables are immense.

I do still think the red herring is the affair. The anger for that is for the adult not for the child. It is a symptom of the parents relationship not the relationship with the child.

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