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Original poster

He wants them for Christmas

231 replies

foreverdieting · 15/10/2014 10:29

Hi, my ex had an affair and left me and the kids (then 2 and 4) three years ago. Moved in with the other woman and they live just over an hour away. He has the children over night every other weekend and might have them for a week once a year. He's a good dad and even though they don't want to go initially they enjoy themselves once they are there. I've had them every Christmas since the break up as I feel that it was his decision to leave us and the kids should wake up in their home on Christmas morning.

Anyway he's saying he wants them Christmas eve and Christmas day. I've said that he could come and get them after lunch on Christmas day so we both get to see them. This isn't good enough for him. The thought of not seeing my children Christmas morning breaks my heart, I'm sitting here sobbing trying to ignore his text messages. I don't have any family nearby but do have a boyfriend now who will be here xmas day so I know I won't be on my own. What do I do???

OP posts:

WannaBe · 16/10/2014 09:57

no, playing games like that is really not on.
Being in a situation where one parent actively tries to make the other one look bad by being the one who comes and takes them away from their toys, etc will only be detrimental to the children in the long-term and they will not thank you for it.

Of course most people can sympathise with the op - or actually with any parent who doesn't get the chance to wake up with their children on Christmas morning - but sympathy doesn't have to extend to condoning game playing or saying that op deserves to be in control because she was the wronged party...

NewEraNewMindset · 16/10/2014 10:05

OP do you think your ex husband will have children with his current partner? If so I suspect they will get wrapped up with their new family in the future and you may find that suddenly he isn't so passionate about seeing your children on Christmas Day.

To be honest I think we put too much pressure on one day of the year to be 'perfect'. I really can't remember that many Christmases looking back. I do remember the excitement of opening my presents in the morning but little else really. If you can start to see it as just another day then maybe you can feel a little calmer about it on the grand scheme of things.

Sending you huge hugs, he is a wanker but don't let him shape the rest of your life xx

s88 · 16/10/2014 10:11

My parents separated when I was 6 . Every year we would wake up at home with mom , and have an early dinner and usually leave at 2 PM to go to my dad's 1 hour away and spend a bout 3-4 days with him . I think this is fair !

kg00104 · 16/10/2014 10:12

OP don't let anyone make you feel bad, or that you're playing 'God' or whatever. I don't care what anyone says, my ex is a total A hole and I don't care what he thinks is fair. I have mine all of Xmas, that's the choice I make as I'm their full time parent. Do what you want, tell him no. Let him take you to court, will cost thousands! He left, he made his choice, let him live with it.

NickiFury · 16/10/2014 10:23

I'm inclined to agree. I get really pissed off with the constant demands for "fairness" on here for men who have behaved anything but fairly. My dc at the ages they are now want to be in their own home for Christmas, for us it's a massive special day. I don't see why they should be ousted out to their Dad's place just because it's "fair". Fair for who, not for them and not for me. They come first, I come second, he comes no where in my considerations. If and when my dc want to go then I will do everything possible to make that happen, until then we will continue to do makes US happy.

3xcookedchips · 16/10/2014 10:45

Nicki - it's not about you. Good to hear you have your situation all sorted but you hate your ex, it doesn't really relate to the OPs where she has already stated he's a good dad, sees them regularly(although not as reg as she would hope?), and the kids enjoy spending time with their dad.

NickiFury · 16/10/2014 10:50

I don't think I said it was about me did I?

I was responding to the poster just before me.

I responded to the OP in a previous post.

NickiFury · 16/10/2014 10:50

Oh and I can't seem to see where I said I "hated" my ex either?

loaderloader · 16/10/2014 11:14

Fair is completelt irrelevant.

loaderloader · 16/10/2014 11:15

Oops sorry will finish post....

TrisisFour · 16/10/2014 11:17

I agree with others who are saying that OP should get to make the decision. She does 99% of the parenting for the rest of the year and therefore should make the decision regarding where the DCs go and when. He had an affair and buggered off, tough luck.

I would NEVER EVER let my DD be with anyone else (while she's still living at home anyway) on Xmas day. My Dsis has to do it (even though her ExDH doesn't even bother to spend time with her, it's so his PARENTS can see my DNiece on Xmas day) and it breaks her heart every time.

Luckily DH and I are still together, but he knows the score should he make the stupid decision to have an affair.

loaderloader · 16/10/2014 11:20

The courts and parents should decide what is best for the child. The courts are required to consider meaningful contact with both parents unless there's good reason otherwise, that is not about taking turns or splitting time/occasions equally. Christmas Day - and everything else - should be decided based on the kids welfare. And maybe for the OPs little ones that would be spending it in their main home with mum.

perfectstorm · 16/10/2014 12:04

A friend doesn't see his DS on Christmas because the judge said she thought DS would probably prefer spending it in his own home with his maternal family, rather than alone with Dad. He has him for Boxing Day and alternate birthdays. Sucks for my friend, but the judge has to say what is best for kids, not adults. And that varies by case.

And if the day is already split at lunch and their Dad has them after that I think there's an argument in favour of the status quo. This way, they see both parents and spend quality time with each. It's worked for 3 years. Why alter it now? For the father? How is that any better than just for the mother?

If the father didn't see them at all, I'd sympathise with alternate years. As it is, it seems like making changes for the sake of it.

I agree playing games and trying to wreck Christmas by pre-empting it is horrible, though. Just not fair on the kids.

starlight1234 · 16/10/2014 14:47

I would say we don't know here what the situation is. OP states he is a good Dad. I think the NRP who rock up for birhtdays and christmas yes I would be very resentful. A NRP who is supportive is a different matter.

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/10/2014 15:05

Just say 'No'. He can pick them up after lunch as normal.

A parent that sees them for one night every two weeks, and maybe one week in the year, doesn't get to call the shots.

The parent this is doing the actual parenting does.

It's not as if he's being denied any time with them on Christmas Day.

Don't let him bully you.

There's no way on god's little green earth he'd get them full time - even if he did bother his arse to try to.

captainproton · 16/10/2014 15:06

My DH (it was his ex who had the affair btw) applied to see DSS every other xmas and every other birthday. His ex wife disagreed, however when DSS wrote a letter to his dad and his mum asking for this arrangement DH took action. Before he just put his feelings to one side and got boxing day and the day after DSS's birthday. Finally after much legal fighting the agreement is for DH to have DSS alternate xmas and birthday, and this is how it works now. For anyone considering legally sorting this out, then I wouldnt necessarily put myself through the legal process unless you were absolutely sure that you would succeed, or that it is worth it. It is financially and emotionally draining and we only did it for DSS. I would if you could try to come to some amicable agreement and leave the past behind.

DH left his ex 5 years ago, and although he now only sees his son every other weekend, because his ex wife decided she wanted to have an affair he has let time heal his wounds and has come to terms with the fact he will never spend the majority of his time with his son, and miss out on so much of his life. This is also because the ex moved the family away to her new partner's home.

We also have 2 children together and I do not wish my DSS were not around at xmas, as some seem to suggest second wives may want to do, he is as much a part of my family as my children and all the siblings love each other. I really feel for DH on xmas morning, and on his son's birthday when he cannot be there with him. But it is not fair or right to deny a child a relationship with their parents, and a good father and mother are worth keeping strong bonds with.

PrimalLass · 16/10/2014 15:10

I imagine the DH never imagined it either starlight hmm plus he has to wake up most days and not see them. It doesn't matter who ends the relationship

It actually does matter, if he's chosen to have an affair and walk away from being part of the family unit.

Just say no, OP.

3xcookedchips · 16/10/2014 15:21

A parent that sees them for one night every two weeks, and maybe one week in the year, doesn't get to call the shots

He's not calling the shots...the OP is, she is the one in control.

Quite bizarre arguments coming up here - should a mother decide to have an affair and upsticks, does she give up 'her rights' to the children?

Whats in the best interests of the children...

BitchPeas · 16/10/2014 15:24

Ops XH had an affair and disrespected the mother of his children, then walked away to shack up with OW. Due to this behaviour, he is not an equal parent, he puts his dick first not his DC so why should he be treated fairly? I really don't understand this.

XH is useless, he is also an alcoholic who would not stop drinking to keep the family together. His call, he lives with the consequences. He loves DS in the way selfish people love other people, but he is just really a free baby sitter who takes him to the bowling then shoves him in front of the TV once a week. I do 99.99% of the parenting for DS. XH doesn't deserve Christmas Day with DS, we have been split for 5 years and I've had him every year. He sees him Xmas eve day time. I'd laugh in his face if he asked for Xmas day with him for the sake of fairness.

TerribleMother · 16/10/2014 15:24

Wannabe I agree with every word you've said. It's not the rp's place to dictate when or how often the nrp sees dc, regardless of who left whom.

Thankfully, the courts are slowly leaving behind the dreadful mother bias and finding in favour of a more 50/50 approach, and not before time!

NickiFury · 16/10/2014 15:24

No she doesn't. However if she makes little effort with them after she has done so then yes the casting vote goes to the parent doing all of the hard work. Just to be clear as you seemed to misread my post earlier, I don't know if that is happening with the OP but certainly in many cases I don't think that's a "bizarre" way of looking at it all.

Ludways · 16/10/2014 15:25

We alternate Christmas and NewYear for dsd. It's fairly standard regardless of why the marriage broke up.

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/10/2014 16:05

3xcookedchips He is trying to call the shots and threatening to get permanent care of them (which he'd never get & would never even trouble his arse to try to get - but it's threatening all the same).

If a parent walks away from the family and chooses to only see their children for 2 nights a month, then yes, they do 'give up their rights' to dicatate what happens re the children.

What's in the best interests of the children? Nice little cheap shot that one isn't it?! Oft repeated, but without any thought of the actual children. You know, the ones who live with their Mum and stay at their Dad's two nights a month, the ones who are loved and looked after by their Mum, the ones whose Mum looks after them when they're ill, who works through their worries with them, that is there for them. The ones who don't want to go to their Dad (but have a good time when they get there)... those children you mean? Do you really think they're rather spend Christmas Eve & morning with their Mum or their Dad?

TerribleMother and what, exactly, does that have to do with this situation? He doesn't have 50/50 care, he chooses to see them 2 nights a month. Two. Nights. A. Month. So yes, he can fuck off with choosing to have them for the 'good bits'.

ludways that's great if the children are happy with it :) but I would not be forcing children to do it, to make the nrp happy, especially one who is as uninvolved in their day to day care as this one is.

3xcookedchips · 16/10/2014 16:18

Bloody hell - such anger...

NickiFury · 16/10/2014 16:26

I agree entirely chipping

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